Prepare To Be Reviewed

Futurama: Bender’s Big Score

It’s back baby! And its about freaking time.

But first, a bit of history. Ever since Fox first put Futurama on the air, I always had the feeling that the Brainless Corporate Retards™ running the network not only had no idea what they had, but no idea what the hell to do with it. Ultimately I would once again be proved right!

Futurama’s original time slot, sandwiched between ratings monsters, The Simpsons, and The X-Files was the best place for it. It was getting great ratings, good buzz, and Emmy nominations to boot. All signs pointed to a long, successful run, one day even taking over the coveted Simpsons time-slot one day.

So the genius at Fox Corporate decided to move it. Two or three times, never letting the viewing public know when or where the show might turn up next, until they eventually sticking the show with the murderous Sunday at seven time-slot head to head against 60minutes. That is if it wasn’t pre-empted randomly by football, or baseball, or whatever crappy Fox Sunday Movie they decided to cram onto the slot. Then they wondered why Futurama wasn’t getting the ratings they wanted it to.

I can see why these Fox execs make the kind of money they do, what with their fingers being so far from the pulse of what is hip, edgy, witty, and cool. So far from the pulse of pop culture, one might think their fingers were mostly shoved up their collective asses!

This all changed one day when the single brain-celled collective known as Fox Corporate noticed that Futurama, a show they despised, kicked in the nuts, then unceremoniously cancelled, was getting HUGE ratings in syndication on the Cartoon Network in the USA and Teletoon in Canada, oh and it was also making them HUGE BANK in DVD sales worldwide. So, with caps in hand they crawled back to Matt Groening and David X. Cohen and begged them to make a deal.

The result is a four DVD deal, the first of which is Bender’s Big Score. Oh man, what can I say about this apart from YES!!!! This is what Futuramafan™ has been waiting for since those idiots cancelled the show.

The whole cast returns for this feature length film that finds the earth conquered by a group of naked alien identity thieves. Without giving too much away, the Planet Express™ crew get naked, the secret of time travel is revealed (on Fry’s ass), and Leela meets the only man she will ever love.

The DVD includes an awesome commentary featuring Matt Groening, David X. Cohen, Billy West, and many others. The picture has a sharp 16x9 enhanced transfer, and a decent Dolby 5.1 surround mix. Disc One extras include a live comic book reading by the cast, a full-length episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad, deleted storyboard scenes, 3-D turnaround models, and a heap of other things. Disc Two extras include storyboard animatics, layout animatics, and a preview of volume 2: “The Beast With A Billion Backs.”

For being everything I want it to be and more, Futurama: Bender’s Big Score gets a Five out of Five. Disc extras also get a Five out of Five, which makes this a definite BUY!

Go get it. NOW!!!



Hunter leaned in between the two choads sitting at the bar and signaled his buddy, Bartender Ian, for another round. The choad to his left winced visibly and blew his cigarette smoke in Hunter’s general direction. Hunter rolled his eyes thinking: what a stupid fuckhead, when the drinks arrived. Left choad gave Hunter’s elbow a bump as he was backing up with the three pints in his hands, causing a minor spillage.

“Come on! If you can’t hold your pints get the fuck out of here!” Left Choad growled, feeling suddenly tough now that Hunter’s hands were full.

Hunter thought of dumping the drinks on him, but that would be a waste, instead he just let go a string of expletives at him, the crackling of the smokeater punctuating his every word.

“Look you filthy, cocksucking turd, just because its your fucking time of the month is no reason to be a total prick! So either shut your noise tube, or I’ll shut it for you!”

Left Choad just stared for a second, unable to speak. Right Choad, who was clearly a friend of Left Choads, but was talking on his brick-like StarTac(TM) mobile phone, suddenly started to take an interest.

Hunter turned and put the pints down on the counter beside the booth where he and his droogs, Bill Williams, and Fred Sharpe were stuck in for the night.

Bartender Ian called out from behind the bar: “Everything okay Hunter?”

“I dunno,” said Hunter, turning to Left Choad, “is there?”

Left Choad looked around and shook his head.

“Didn’t think so.” Said Hunter, returning to the drinks at hand.

He sat down at the table and continued on with the conversation the he and his droogan brothers were having before they ran out of beer.

“So, they’re called DVD’s and – “

Bill cut in, “Dee Vee Deez? Any relation to Rick Dees?”

“One might think so, but no. Yeah, so Digital Versatile Discs is what the acronym stands for. They’re like the size of CD’s but you can fit a whole movie on them without flipping it over.”

Fred took a sip of his draught and shook his head, “Won’t last. Can’t record on them. It’ll be just another fad, like your LaserDiscs.”

Hunter swallowed some ale, “How can you say LaserDiscs are a fad? They’ve been on the market for over ten years! They’re HUGELY popular! Video and Sound’s whole store is basically Laser movies with the few crappy VHS tapes they have left shoved in the back of the store! And that’s just one place in town!”

“Who here even has a LaserDisc player besides you anyway?” Bill wanted to know, taking a drag off his DuMaurier King Size.

Hunter didn’t need to take a second before answering, “MacGreggor of course.”

Fred stubbornly shook his head as he put out his Player’s Light, “Nope. MacGreggor isn’t here with us tonight. He doesn’t count!”

“Oh… “






“Shut the fuck up!”

“Nope! Go back to Gutamala, Tech Monkey!” Fred continued.

“Alright enough, the both of you!” Bill grumbled.

Hunter took a long draught of ale and stared at Fred, “And it’s Technogeek okay? Get it right.”

There really was no time for arguing, as there was some serious drinking to be done...



There was too much space, he decided, cowering in the basement in front of the big TV. For weeks he tried to get clear in his head just what it was that was making him feel uneasy, what was making his guts churn with every waking moment. The answer finally came as he shuffled, slowly down the quiet sidewalk and across the street to the local liquor emporium: space.

For all of his “adult” life Hunter lived in the inner city, surrounded by tall buildings, silvers, blues and grays, the streets always choked with traffic, the sidewalks full of people. The sky appearing to him in random shards between the sharp edges of the surrounding apartments, condos, and office skyscrapers, and the constant hum, throb, and white noise was ceaseless.

There was always a certain coziness in living DownTown™ that made Hunter feel at home, safe, even (dare he think it) happy. A kind of warmth that only the buildings, the noise, the people could provide. It always amused him when people he knew complained about these things, didn’t they realize they were living in the inner city? When his best friend, Emu said to him one night in the Ship and Anchor that it “never gets dark in the fucking prairies!” he had to check himself. For years he thought she was one of the smartest people he knew! “It’s not the fucking prairies toots, it the lights of the city, they never get switched off.” She had to admit it made sense.

Hunter stepped out of the store and on to the street, a few bucks down and a bottle of The Captain’s Finest dark rum wrapped in a paper bag under his arm. The sky seemed so huge up here on the ridge overlooking the freeway and the inner city. He ran quickly across the street even though he didn’t have to (no traffic!). The wind was tearing off the ridge, blowing the storm door into his arm as he tried to unlock the main door. On the third try he succeeded and showed his way into the house. Slamming both doors behind him, the only noise was the wind whistling through the window seals in the kitchen.

With a wholly unnecessary flourish, he threw off his alpaca overcoat and headed down the stairs to the basement.


Two Seasons: Cold and Freezing

He stepped out into the cool, fall morning and shivered. Frost covered the city, making everything too cold to touch. Chunks of ice broke free from the handle as he lifted it and pulled open the door on his little frozen car,

He slid the key in the ignition and gave it a crank, the car came to life quickly as it always did and Hunter sat for a few moments, shivering, building up the courage to step outside and scrape the ice, and frost from the windows.

Switching on the radio he heard yet another ad encouraging him to add fruit to his cereal. BALLS!! He thought, Why should I ruin the taste of my delicious cereal with some filthy fruit?

Hunter reached up and adjusted the oversized rear view mirror and took a look at his dark reflection. He ran his hand through blond, scruffy hair then over three days beard growth and chuckled to himself.

Another day of looking California, and feeling Minnesota.


The Hangover Cure

The alarm tore through his consciousness, blasting him into the land of the living with the overly loud voices of the local sports talk radio morning show. J.C. Hunter swung wildly at the clock radio, striking a glancing blow on the snooze button that was enough to shut it down for another nine minutes.

He sat up dizzy, his head aching, vision fuzzy, mouth dry, fingers tingling, and all over stinking like a drunken pirate.

Thursday night Hunter and his buddies hit the pubs, drinking rum and yo-ho-hoing like the buccaneers they all fancied themselves to be. They talked at length about how they were gonna quit their jobs, leave it all behind, buy a boat and live like pirates until the world died. It was a good dream, and one they often spoke of on a Thursday, or ThARRRsday as Hunter and his droogs called it when they went out for their weekly rum fix.

Hunter stood and nearly fell over. Maybe this morning he would call work and take a “personal” day, he thought and fell back into bed.


Prepare To Be Reviewed

2 Disc Special Edition

The quick turnover from theater to DVD was a little unexpected, but not unwelcome for this summer blockbuster directed by Michael Bay.

The DVD is available three ways; a single disc bare bones edition, a two disc Special Edition, and a single disc HD-DVD release. The HD-DVD contains all the extras of the Two Disc edition as well as an exclusive text commentary, and some 3-D interactive renderings of the robots from the flick.

The video transfer is sharp, and the 5.1 Dolby Digital audio is as booming as you would expect from a Michael Bay flick. The commentary is surprisingly good considering how fucking insufferably arrogant Bay has been on past commentaries (The Island anyone?). Bay actually sounds (slightly) humble at times, when talking about how he should have done certain things better, and minces no words about how lame he thought The Allspark turned out.

The second disc is chock full of featurettes and documentaries and an amusing Easter Egg for those who like that sort of thing, and I do.

Okay enough of the praise, on with the dirty. Where are the deleted scenes that Bay mentions in the commentary and the featurettes? No where that’s where!

The Best Buy Exclusive set that I bought includes a 32-page booklet that’s full of pics you probably have already seen on the Internet and elsewhere, and a Hasbro Titanium Series Die Cast Figurine. According to the box there are four different figs available, and I pulled Optimus Prime.

The Flick remains a Three out of Five and the DVD extras rate a Four out of Five.

Final word? It’s a Buy.


Moving, Moving, Moving... AiYa!

Rollergrrl Vki and I were in the right place at the right time this year and the upshot of it all is we were able to buy a place. A nice, semi-detached townhouse on the ridge

Most of our crap is in storage as the Grrl is determined to get every room painted before anything else is done. All I can do is steam in my own stress juices and wait for the other shoe to fall. The Grrl is convinced that there will be no shoe, but I am less than optimistic.

Things just aren’t moving fast enough for my ass. Every second I wait in the basement wondering if someone is going to knock on the door and kick my ass out of the place, telling me I don’t belong, that the world has no use for Children dressed like Adults playing house.

But we’re not playing are we. We actually bought a place. In this artificially over inflated real estate market we managed to get lucky.

I still can’t stop worrying. The stress and panic creeping into my guts when I pull out the key to a place that until recently belonged to the Grrlz sister.

Ah well… I’m sure someday I’ll get over it…




Prepare To Be Reviewed

He's serving up the hard cheese and doesn't care who knows, it's Jaeger and his review of

X-BOX 360

As a general rule, video games based on films either suck, or blow. Sometimes they even do both. Is this game the exception to the rule? Read on to find out.

For years in North America we have been stuck with Transformers games that have been mediocre at best, and though it might pain some to hear it, this game is no different.

I wanted to love this game, I really did! And considering the hype surrounding it I expected so much more.

Lets begin with the positives; the game is gorgeous, it looks truly next-gen from the character design of the Robots in Disguise themselves to the buildings, the sky, you name it, it looks sweet. The Transformation sequences are slick and quick allowing the gamer to zip back and forth from robot to vehicle and back in a flash, which is handy for levels of the game where you’re up against a timer. The environments are almost 100% destructible, which is fun because as we all know, blowing shit up, wrecking stuff, and hucking cars at enemy robots always makes for a good time.

Now for the not-so good points. The city is pretty big and fun to explore when not locked in a mission, but I still seemed to constantly be running my robot into the “invisible walls” that surround the environ. The driving controls for the vehicle mode Autobots are mushy and unresponsive at the best of times, and hideously floaty at worst. It’s almost as if so much time was spent making the game look beautiful, that some essential game play elements ended up slipping through the cracks. The robots in the game can do almost anything, from jumping, to climbing, and in some cases flying. They also have heavy and light projectile weapons at their disposal, but it really doesn’t matter, because EVERY TIME you use a ranged weapon, the enemy activate an impenetrable shield and you end up having to button mash your way through yet another melee battle.

The Cybertron Edition of the game costs about ten bucks more than the standard version and comes with a copy of the Transformers Movie Prequel comic book, codes for two extra levels that only work once you have finished either the Autobot or Decepticon campaigns and an extra disc containing movie trailers, some very short interviews with the voice actors including Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, and Peter Cullen. There is less material on the second disc than one sees on most single disc DVDs as far as extras go, and to be honest if I had known there would be so little I wouldn’t have bothered with the two disc edition.

For game play that too simple, and crappy extras on the bonus disc, Transformers the Game- Cybertron Edition gets a Two out of Five.


Ron Mexico

So today NFL quarterback Michael Vick "apologised" for getting caught funding a nasty dog-fighting ring, and during his press confrence metioned that he had "found Jesus."


I wasn't aware he was lost!



I'm sorry, but I can't hear you over the sound of how AWESOME I am!!



Pannin' Fer Change

Was just listening to the radio and there was talk of how pan-handlers are getting more and more aggressive everywhere in Canada.

Some eighty-two year old guy in Vancouver was mugged and beaten after giving a bum five bucks, and in Toronto some poor bastard even got stabbed to death when he refused a vagrant's demand for change.

Aggressive panning in this filthy city has even got me to change where I walk downtown in order to avoid having to run certain "gauntlets" of "Bum Enclaves."

I have a better solution however.

The City should hire a buttload of Jehovah's Witnesses to run around down town harassing the bums! Eventually the panners will move on, because there is only so much anyone can take of the relentless JW's!


Moving Hell

I never liked moving, and I never will. I will never forgive them for the death of my boy... wait, no that's Captain Kirk talking about Klingons.

Anyway I'm in the fucking middle of moving right now, a hideous chore at the best of times, but I'll see what I can scrape up for all three of you Monkeybrainz readers sometime this week.


The Official Star Wars Celebration IV Blog IV

Day 3

May 25, 2K7

May 25th is the official opening of the convention as well as the 30th anniversary of STAR WARS, so what better way to spend it than getting into yet another line up! Like Stacy says: “It ain’t a Star Wars Convention unless you’re in a line up!”
Getting off the hotel shuttle was one small step for Jaeger, and one GIANT LINE FOR ADMISSION!

Got in and spend a big part of the day in collecting panels learning about such things as Peruvian Star Wars toys, bootlegs, the Vintage Micro Collection, and Vintage store displays. They handed out special Commemorative Coins at a couple of the panels and I got my first taste of ASSHOLE SCALPER FANBOY SCUM that day. The organizers were passing out coins to each row of attendees, each row having about nine seats, the idea being to take ONE and pass the rest down. They passed out a HUGE BUTTLOAD (the technical term for the measurement) to the first person in the row, and he took one and passed them on, as did the second person, and the third, but the fourth guy, the ASSHOLE SCALPER FANBOY SCUM pocketed the remainder. I sat for a second, stunned, then leaned over and said something like: “rot in hell scalper scum,” which he chose to ignore, coward that he was. Luckily I was able to flag down one of the Swag Hootchies and get coins for the rest of our row, including myself of course.

Afterwards I hit the lunge for a five-dollar beer before heading down to watch the LIVE taping of the STAR WARS AT 30 ATTACK OF THE SHOW special. When I arrive, an hour before taping is to begin there are about a MILLION undeserving choads standing in front of me, wallowing in their own crapulence and B.O. I would not be taking this! Wasting no time, I began shoving them aside to get closer to the set. Eventually the show began and there was one row of choads left, blocking me. Good job for me they were all shorter than me so I was able to see quite clearly… mostly.

One moron in particular stood beside me yakking away on his mobile phone for the first half hour of the show, telling his choadbuddy: “Hey! Hey, you know what G4 is? They have a cable channel I think! You got it? If you do look it’s me!!” Then he proceeded to call all his other friends repeating the same message while at the same time waving a huge, bright blue poster tube in front of my face whenever the camera was pointed in our direction. Then he would yell: “See! It’s me! See, there I am! See!” After about the third or fourth time this blue tube came close to popping me in the grill I decided that Jaeger wasn’t going to play this game anymore so I grabbed it and told him: “Enough.” He gave me this look like I’d just caught him with his hands in the cookie jar, but the upside was that never again did that thing swing anywhere near me.

After the show was over I called out to Kevin and Olivia to gimmie a little love and pose for a photo, which they were more than happy to do. Thanks guys! When the hoard of choads began to get the same idea and descend upon them I took it as my cue to leave and headed over to the auditorium for the opening ceremonies. Before I could get anywhere near the door an orange vested Line Nazi stopped me and started screaming that “NOBODY IS ALLOWED INSIDE!!! THE LINE STARTS OUTSIDE THE MAIN ENTRANCE!!” I looked over her shoulder and could SEE that the auditorium was COMPLETELY SET UP so the only reason I can think of for why they weren’t letting anyone in is because they MUST appear in CONTROL, and forcing people to line up unnecessarily is a way to do that. Dog knows what kind of freaking ANARCHY would have ensued if they just let people casually walk in over the period of an hour and take their seats! The opening ceremonies event could have been dare I say it, FUN!!!!!!

I met up with Neil and Stacy and we got into yet another fucking unnecessarily line up, I tell you if I didn’t have these buddies to chat with, I would have gone BUSHIT with all the lining up I swear to Dog. Some time after 19:30 when the ceremonies were supposed to start, the Line Nazis began marching us towards the entrance on Pico. When we got within 30 feet of the entrance, the Kommandant starts screaming at us to “TURN AROUND!!! TURN AROUND!!!” and they then marched us back towards the main entrance on Figueroa.

Ein! Svie! Drei!

Stacy comment that we were all part of some sick psychological experiment George Lucas was conducting on us to se how much of this line business we would take before freaking snapping.
The opening ceremonies were long and included the Mayor of Los Angeles, and the Postmaster General as well as Steven Sansweet as the MC and a recorded message from The Maker himself. The whole thing finished around 22:00 and the group of us (Stacy, Ryan, Yrol, Kris, Dooks the younger, Neil and some other guy I can’t recall tried to get some food. Apparently this is an IMPOSSIBILITY in Downtown L.A. after 6pm on a Friday night. Eventually ending up at the IHOP, we waited 25 minutes for service and received nothing for our troubles but the pleasure of being ignored.

Dooks the Younger got up from our table and said he was hitting the Subway. We got up and walked the fuck out, grabbed our sandwiches, and strode past the IHOP about ten minutes later to see that Yrol, Kris, and Neil were just getting their drink orders.


I'm Back!

Hey kids!

I'm back and working on some new stuff as we speak!

Tune in tomorrow for some delicious new brain meats of the monkey kind, plus a new rant on the Rants From The Angry Dome site is availible NOW for your perusal!


Lack of Update

Sorry about the lack of updates lately kids!

I recently "lost" a major notebook that Danny was supposed to help me retrieve yesterday, but he ended up standing me up with no notice, or explaination and refuses to answer his phone.

As soon as I have back the "monkeybrainz notebook," there will be more updates, including but not exclusive to the next chapter in the Official Star Wars Celebration IV Blog.



Prepare To Be Reviewed

The Cutting Edge of All Things Geek, It’s Jaeger and His Review of

The Transformers
Directed By Michael Bay

More than meets the eye indeed.

Ever since this flick was green-lit the Bot Choad Fanboys have been blasting this flick, picking apart every aspect of it from the choice of director, to casting, right down to character design. One moron choadling even posted a primitive animation on Youtube™ featuring a pre-production drawing of Megatron transforming into a steaming coiler.

It’s puzzling to me how much hatred this flick attracted by so-called “hard-core Transformer fans” before a single frame of film was even shot. It’s not like Transformers is a cultural phenomenon that has stood the test of time like Star Wars. Indeed, the Transformers was at its heart really nothing more than a series of twenty-two minute toy commercials, that were for the most part filled with mediocre, sometimes glitchy animation. Not that I didn’t like it, in fact it amused me, and I am not easily amused. The Marvel comic book series was a little better sometimes, but often fell into the trap of introducing a new character (based of course on whatever was new on the toy shelves that month), having them say who they were and what their personality was, fighting, then disappearing from the series by the next issue. I ask again: why so much vitriol?

Hey Bot Choad Fanboys, I have a message for you: move out of your parent’s basements and get over yourselves!

The flick is pretty good actually, with decent performances by both its human and robot cast. Its not a masterpiece by any stretch, but the action is insane, relentless, and at times breathtaking. There is a lot more humor in the flick than I was expecting, which actually made me enjoy the flick a little more, as too often in the past Bay tends to take himself WAY too seriously.

So apart from the ham-fisted “love story” element of the flick, and the bombastically over-scored soundtrack that is prevalent in every Michael Bay movie, I can’t think of a lot of negative things to say about it. Sure Bay is a hack, but he does know how to shoot action sequences, and really its not every day one sees a Mountain Dew™ soda machine turn into a robot and start kicking ass.

If you are going to see this flick, you have already made the mental decision that you are not expecting Citizen fucking Kane. The flick has explosions, gunfights, car chases, explosions, and giant freaking robots kicking tailgate.

Its what I expected to see, and exactly what I got.

A Four out of Five.


The EU (not the European Union)

Some Things About the Star Wars Expanded Universe That Suck Ass

- The “NJO”

They kill off Chewbacca in the first book, and it’s all downhill from there. These books were the last nails in the coffin of Star Wars novels for me.

- “Ewok Adventures”

Mediocre animation by Nelvana and writing so bad it would insult the intelligence of a six-month old. The less said about this hideous abomination the better.

- “Lusanka”

A super star destroyer “prison” hidden in the streets of Coruscant. A planet of 20 billion and they somehow manage to “hide” a super star destroyer on it? Uh, I think not. Other than that, most of those Rogue Squadron books were half decent.

- “Planet of Twilight”

I saved the worst for last. Force sucking bugs, Princess Leia kidnapped AGAIN, and a whole lot of suckage. Its hard to believe the powers that be let Barbra Hambly anywhere near the Star Wars Universe after the fanfic crap that was “Children of the Jedi,” but here it is in all its ass-sucking glory! The writing is poor at best, and the story makes any Michael Bay flick look like Hamlet by comparison. Without a doubt the Worst Novel In The Entire E.U.

Some Things About the S.W. E.U. That I Like

- “Clone Wars”

Slick, sharp, and fun animation from Grenndy Tartakovsky, combined with good story telling. This IS what Star Wars on TV should be! I can hardly wait until the new series comes out next year.

- “Droids – The Animated Series”

Mediocre animation from Nelvana, and somewhat hokey, but decent storytelling, and the fact that it felt like it belonged in the Star Wars Universe is its saving grace.

- “The Republic Commando Novels”

Karen Traviss puts a gritty military realism to these Clone Wars era books that is a welcome addition to the Star Wars Universe, and her expansion of the Mando Mythos is awesome. The first in the series, “Hard Target” renewed my enthusiasm for the E.U.

- “The Thrawn Trilogy”

Even though some of the things in these books have been proven wrong by the Prequel Flicks, this three-book cycle single handedly brought Star Wars back from the depths of pop-culture obscurity in the early nineties. The story was solid, interesting, and it felt like it could have been episodes 7, 8, and 9.


The Official Star Wars Celebration IV Blog III


Day 2

May 24, 2K7

I wandered about in a daze for what seemed like hours, but was in reality maybe twenty minutes, my optical nerves in overdrive as my brain-meats attempted to take in and make sense of the visual noise caused by thousands of filthy humans, and EVERY Star Wars item, from vintage to modern, that one could possibly imagine. And I can imagine quite a bit.

I caught up with Kris a little while later at the line-up to see the artist Dave Dorman. He bought a couple of items and had them signed, as well as getting an original sketch done. We wandered over to the artist alley and checked out some of the work for sale. I was tempted to buy something until I found out from one of the artists that we weren’t allowed to just give them the money for pieces.

“What’s the dealioo?” I axed, and she pointed me towards YET ANOTHER HUGE LINE of geeks, three deep, that led from one end of the alley all the way to the exit, where one person at a cash register slowly rang people through. NO. No more fucking line-ups today thank you very much! I turned around and found that I had lost Kris somewhere within the thick mass of humans.

As they day continued I caught up with a few of me Fan Force buds once or twice, but never for more than a few minutes at a time.

I made my way over to the Droid Builder’s room and checked out the Astromechs, and other robots, (there was even a Tom Servo!) and met Will O’Neil from Attack of the Show. He was in between set-ups for the Star Wars at 30 special for G4TV’s Attack of the Show that was to be shot live from Celebration IV on Friday.

Fighting my way through the crowds I found my way to the Lucasfilm archives and drooled over all the cool stuff. From the original Boba Fett costume, to the parka worn by Harrison Ford during filming of The Empire Strikes Back. Wheeee! There was so much cool stuff, I had to walk around twice just to take it all in.

Near the end of the day I found myself at the Celebration Store, and there was (prepare yourself) NO LINE UP! So I just walked in, grabbed the convention exclusive McQuarrie R2-D2 and C-3PO exclusive figures (one set to open, and one to display), a set of CIV dog tags.

Before taking off I decided to head back to the Main Hall for one last spin and ran into Olivia Munn and an Attack of the Show film crew shooting an insert scene for Friday’s program. Olivia was dressed in the Slave Leia costume and striking down some hooded choad with a Force FX light saber, over and over, and over (seven or eight takes) until it was right.

Mere minutes passed before I ran into Chapter Rep Ryan and we grabbed the #4 shuttle back to the Sheraton.

The total after one day: $150 on toys and crap, $30 on foodstuffs (a weeks worth of Beef Jerky and Red Bull).

Not bad, but the best was yet to come…


The Official Star Wars Celebration IV Blog II


Day 1

May 23, 2K7

I got back to the hotel and switched on the MotoRazer™. It searched, and roamed for only a few second before finding Cingular and locking on. There were a couple of messages on the voice mail, one from The Grrl, and one from McBain. I listened, answered, then checked through the swag bag to try and get an idea of what would be in store for my funny-book makin’ ass at this, the biggest convention of my life.

I highlighted various panels I wanted to make sure not to miss and checked the TV. Alas! No G4! Bastards!

I wandered across the street to the Rite Aid and bought me some Jerky, Buffalo Chicken chunks, and a case of Sugar free Red Bull™, the Official Convention Diet of Jaeger. Returning to the hotel, I stashed my bag of crap next to my luggage and wandered downstairs to the bar.

I order an Anchor Steam form the bartender and relax for a moment. Behind the main serving area on the right hand side is a framed print of that Guy in the Hat Smoking a Cigar. The same print that the Grrl has in the frame store back in cow town. It amused me, and I am not easily amused!

I watched a bit of the Baseball playing of the 32” plasma in the corner and my eyes drifted down to a curious sign: “WARNING Chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer, birth defects, or other reproductive harm may be present in foods or beverages sold or served here.” WTF???!!!?? Do they mean the booze? Or the free peanuts? What an odd fucking sign!

Day 2

May 24, 2K7

The next day I woke up to the giggles and snickers of Jay and Nicole in the other bed. Kris is still asleep, so I crawl off the bed, having slept above the covers to stay cool. Even though the AC is blasting, it’s still boiling fucking hot in the room for some reason.

After getting ready, Jay, Nic and I hopped on the shuttle and headed down to the Convention Center. We arrived at about 9am to find the line for admission stretched from the main entrance all the way to Cherry Street. Jay and Nic took off to do the volunteer thing and I wandered up and down the huge crowded line up of geeks until the familiar voices of my Calgary Fan Force compatriots roused me from my walking stupor.

It was a who’s who of Fan Force regulars: Chapter rep Ryan, The Dooks Boys (Ryan and Stacy), Yrol, Neil, and 501st Legion boys, Roger, Scot, and Dave. We scoffed and joked, and shared tales of our flights, and arrival as the time grew nigh to the twelve-noon opening.

At nearly ten to twelve, Tony Daniels was driving past (well, riding in the back of his car past really), and decided to step out and walk the line and pose for pics and stuff. Dooks the Younger jumped out when Tony was near and shook his hand. Within minutes, the line began to crawl forward, and no sooner were we actually moving at a decent pace, did hoards of orange vested Line Nazis begin screaming at us and cracking their imaginary whips to keep the line “orderly.”

Just before entry, Kris showed up and we all entered together, then seconds after breaking through into the huge glass foyer, we split up to obtain the various CIV exclusive toys, maquetes, etc. My first order of business? Hasbro, and their excusive McQuarrie Concept Luke. So I got into the main dealer room, and… got in line. Again. This time more shuffling awaited me, only inside, on a carpet. Waiting. Shuffling.

The freaking line wrapped all the way around the booth, and then when I finally arrived within eyesight of The Prize, the real line started. Just like the queues one finds in Disneyland, you get within sight, only to see another line, this one just as long if not longer, except this one twists and turns like a twisty-turny thing in a roped off maze of which the Minotaur himself would be proud.

When I finally got to the checkout it was another hour and forty-five minutes gone from my life, but the Prize was MINE. Along with a couple of sets of the figure stands to boot.

But this was merely the beginning...

To Be Continued...


The Official Star Wars Celebration IV Blog

Day 1

May 23, 2k7

The initial approach in to LAX was a little dicey as a police chopper off the starboard side of the aircraft forced us to peel off and give it another try. It wouldn’t be a trip to the states without a little drama I suppose…

After picking up my bag at the carousel, I find myself on the SuperShuttle™ flying down the freeway towards downtown LA, chatting with a pair of Star Wars fans from Denver. The Shuttle was packed with Fanboys (and girls) who have arrived for the same reason I have; Star Wars Celebration IV.

I gazed in silent wonder at the palm trees (my favorite kind of the trees), and the vines growing on the freeway retaining walls before coming to my senses. This is got to be my fifth or sixth time down here, and still I stare? I shook it off and enjoyed the rest of the ride to the hotel.

Checking in was a breeze and I found myself not hating Los Angeles so far… but the trip was still in it’s infancy, there was still plenty of time for this town to show it’s true colors as I know them.

After dropping my crap off in the room I did what I always do upon arrival in a different town: I sat down in front of the hotel for a few minutes and watched the people, observed them, the way they walked, their mannerisms. The best way to go unnoticed is to act like everyone else…right as I was standing up to walk, the shuttle to the convention center had arrived.

I picked up my badge at the Will Call, bought a FanClub membership, grabbed my bag o’ swag and wandered about the convention hall for a bit trying to get my bearings, breathing deeply, knowing that the real line ups start tomorrow!

To be Continued…



I flew into LAX on the 23rd and the fun hasn't ended yet! The Star Wars convention was rad, and shall be blogged about in full in the next couple of days, so stay tuned! You know you want to! San Jose is clear and 80F! I hope you are all jealous!



Prepare To Be Reviewed

The Cutting Edge of All That Matters, It's Jaeger's Review of

A Rodriguez/Tarantino Double Feature

First, let me paint a picture of the Uptown Theater: It’s seen better days. The theater was constructed in 1951 and is the best example in the city of Art Deco Architecture. In the mid-seventies it was refurbished and the balcony was walled off to make a second theater, and 125 (of the original 600!) seats were removed to build a new projection room. The most recent refurbishment was back in ’93.

I have seen a lot of flicks in this old theater, including Clerks, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, and at least a dozen others over the years. The carpet is kind of worn down, the seats kind of threadbare in places (comfortable as hell though!), and it was without a doubt the BEST Theater in TOWN to see Grindhouse.

As I sat, jacked back at a twenty degree angle facing the huge screen, a dude in a grizzled beard stepped up on the stage and manually cranked open the heavy, maroon curtains, I knew I was in for a cinematic treat. Boy was I right.

The flick stars off with a fake trailer for the “film” Machete* starring (of course) Danny Trejo, and never lets up from there. Grindhouse not only lived up to my expectations but surpassed them. It’s dark, shocking, funny, surreal, and awesome. Of the two features I think “Planet Terror” the Robert Rodriguez half of the double bill is the stronger of the two, but Tarantino’s “Death Proof” has the better ending.

Hey, this flick (or these flicks perhaps) even managed to change my opinion of Rose McGowan who I have despised ever since I first saw her in that hideous Araki flick back in the nineties. This is strong praise if you know how much I hate Greg Araki’s “films," and how much I used to hate Rose McGowan!

GO SEE IT!!! Do not let this gem pass silently into the darkness! You will not be disappointed.

5 out of 5

*Rodriguez has since announced that he is going to make this film! Talk about Art imitating Art!


Meat Tampon

Uhnn… Feeling miserable today. Just my luck to get sick right before my holiday!

Anyway, I picked up a steak the other day and was greeted by the juicy presence of the nasty Meat Tampon. The Meat Tampon has always amused me. Actually it’s more like a Meat Absorbent Pad, but I always liked the word “Tampon” more.

For those who don’t know, the Meat Tampon is that absorbent “pad” that lies at the bottom of every package of meat that one buys in the grocery store. The pad that sits between the meat and the Styrofoam packaging that absorbs the blood and bits and keeps your steak looking moist and delicious and preventing unsightly, red, meaty menstrual-like juices from overflowing inside.

I’ve often wondered about how this invention came to be. Did some butcher one-day just say to his buddy: “You know what would be great? If we could figure out a way to stop the bloody juices in meat from filling up the packages we sell them in.” Or maybe a chick invented it, who knows?

Maybe I’m a little too curious about this… perhaps it’s the fever…


We Don't Need Another Hero

It’s funny to say but these days more than any others there are no true heroes, people known for their great deeds. Guys like Hercules for example, the true gods of antiquity. Dudes who saved whole villages from the Minotaur and stuff. Today we have only celebrities: people known because they are well known and for no other reason.

The worst of the celebrity ilk out there is of course Paris Hilton. Lets break it down shall we? She is a hugely known, hugely loved celebrity for… what was it exactly? Oh yeah, her parents are Billionaires, and uh, she had some rather pedestrian intercourse on the Internet… and, uh her parents are rich… man, the sooner this no-talent, flat-chested, horse-faced skank’s fifteen minutes are over, the better off the world will be.


Repair To Be Previewed

Inventor of the Internet, and Emperor of the Moon, It’s Jaeger and the Summer 2007 Movie Preview Part II.

Fay Grim
Directed by Hal Hartley
May 18, 2007

A continuation of Hal Hartley's "Henry Fool", where Fay Grim (Parker Posey) is coerced by a CIA agent (Jeff Goldblum) to try and locate notebooks that belonged to her fugitive ex-husband. Interesting looking flick, seeing the trailer the other day on HDNet made me want to check out the first flick before going to see this one.

Directed by William Friedkin
May 25, 2007

A lonely waitress with a tragic past, Agnes rooms in a run-down motel, living in fear of her recently paroled ex-husband. But when she begins a romance with Peter, an eccentric, nervous drifter, she starts to feel hopeful. A psychological thriller from the Academy Award winning director of “The Exorcist.” Meh, I don’t know… I think I’ve had just about enough of Ashley Judd to last the rest of my life. Oh, and I don’t think it’s a remake of the 1975 insect horror flick by Jeannot Szwarc, too bad eh!

Directed by Satoshi Kon
May 25, 2007 (NY)

Dr. Atsuko Chiba is an attractive, modest Japanese research psychotherapist whose work is on the cutting edge. Her alter-ego is a stunning and fearless 18 year old "dream detective," code named Paprika, who can enter into people's dreams and synchronize with their unconscious to help uncover the source of their anxiety or neurosis. I hope this flick gets a wide release because I am all over it. Say a trailer for it on Attack of the Show last month and my jaw dropped, this Anime flick looks spectacular.

Day Watch (Dnevnoi Dozor)

Directed by Timur Bekmambetov
June 1, 2007 (limited)
"Day Watch (Dnevnoi Dozor)" is the second flick in a trilogy based on the best-selling sci-fi novels of Sergei Lukyanenko entitled "Night Watch." Again, I saw a trailer for this the other day on AOTS and was blown away by the insane visuals. I hope we see a release up here, because this one looks like a winner. Of course those of you who don’t like subtitles will be out of luck as the flick is Russian!

Hostel: Part II

Directed by Eli Roth
June 8, 2007

Do I even need to say anything about this unnecessary sequel? Am I the only one that is tired of this umpteenth “Saw style” horror flick? I shake my head… I am sure that it will make a heap of cash, because this seems to be what the movie going public wants these days… PASS!

Surf's Up

Directed by Ash Brannon, Chris Buck
June 8, 2007

Another CG penguin flick? Do all the CG animated film producers in Hollywood just pool all their ideas together every year and decide to make the same flicks? Is there a screenwriting stylist out there who gets paid huge bank to just go around to the studios and tell them: This year its Giant Space Rocks, or Fish, or Penguins? If so why do I not have this job? Anyways, the animation looks pretty slick, so I might rent this one in three months when it comes out on DVD.

DOA: Dead or Alive

Directed by Corey Yuen
June 22, 2007

Live action flick based on the sexy video game. If it has half the jiggling boobies of the game, I shall say that it is money well spent. Hmm... cheesy! As if I needed another reason to see this, I give you two words: Devon Aoki.

That’s all for today, I might have a couple more next week… maybe.


Stupid Video Tricks

Behold! The MonkeyBrainz now contain Distracting Video for all of you choades out there who don't like to READ!! Yeeha!


Piracy My Ass

Here’s what bugs me this week:

Huge, Billionaire, movie studio execs whining vociferously about so-called “internet movie piracy” and how “damaging” it is to their billion dollar bottom lines. Come on! Do they really think we are that stupid?

DVD sales and rentals are at a five-year high, there aren’t enough bank vaults in all of North America to hold the record profits the studios are making these days, and still they have the stones to bitch and complain about the one-tenth of one percent of profit the are supposedly losing to “piracy”?

They say the “Government” must help them “fight video piracy,” but then they choose to break-up single TV seasons into two or more separate sets, so they can release them slowly, over an extended period of time in order to rip more dollars from the already straining pockets of the DVD consumer.

The billionaire studio execs wonder why people are downloading video content from the Internet when they should be looking at themselves and the choices they make that are directly contributing to so-called “video piracy.”

The last time I checked, none of these fatass studio execs were missing any meals lately…


Repair To Be Previewed

Still pretending to be a real human, it's Jaeger and his 2007 Summer Movie Preview

Spiderman 3
Directed by Sam Raimi
May 4, 2007
Well, well, well, first off we have Spiderman 3 coming out May 4th and who isn’t looking forward to this flick? Well, besides Julian that is. Since I don’t have the insane continuity hang ups of 90% of the comic fanboys out there, I gotta say I totally am looking forward to this, the third (and possibly final?) Spidey flick because of one thing: Venom! Who cares if the story doesn’t follow the comics exactly to the last panel? Once again for those who missed it the first fifty times I said it: FILM IS A DIFFERENT MEDIUM THAN COMICS! Change is good fanboys, learn to embrace it!

28 Weeks Later. . .
Directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo
May 11, 2007
Six months after the events in the first flick, the US Army tries to secure a small area of London for survivors to repopulate and start again. Come on! Zombies? In London? I am SO THERE!!!!!

Shrek the Third
Directed by Chris Miller and Ramon Hsui
May 18, 2007
Hrrm, yet another Shrek flick. I liked the first one; thought the second one was mediocre, and didn’t think a third flick was necessary. But luckily for all you Shrek fans out there DreamWorks SKG doesn’t give a shite what I think! The green ogre, his wife, and the donkey are back for another kick at the cat, this time King Harold falls ill and Shrek and Princess Fiona recruit their friends Donkey, and Puss in Boots, and a band of royal girlfriends to fend off a coup d'etat by the jilted Prince Charming. Meh, I’ll wait for the DVD and rent it. Or let someone else buy it and borrow it from them.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Directed by Gore Verbinski
May 25, 2007
The final chapter in the Pirates trilogy proves to be bigger and even more bad-ass than the two previous instalments Go see it, if only to see how much Johnny Depp rocks as Captain Jack Sparrow. The only reason I’m not dressing up like a pirate and going on opening day is because I will be in LA at CIV.

Oceans 13
Directed by Steven Soderbergh
June 8, 2007
Are you fucking kidding me? After what an abysmal failure Ocean’s 12 was? Talk about taking a mediocre concept and beating it like a re-headed stepchild! Is Warner Brothers Trying to go broke? I wouldn’t touch this one with a ten-foot barge pole even if Julia Roberts wasn’t in it!

Live Free or Die Hard
Directed by Len Wiseman
June 29, 2007
John McClane is back and taking on an Internet-based terrorist (WTF???) who is systematically shutting down the United States. Uh, okay. The first Die Hard should be taught in film school. It is one of the best action flicks EVER MADE, and the less said about the two sequels the better. How will this newest edition to the franchise hold up? Only one way to find out! Be sure to email me a review if you see it because even with Kevin Smith in this thing, I am going to pass. In fact, I couldn’t be less interested in seeing this flick unless they put that puffy, margarine-faced twit Renee Zellweger in it.

Directed by Michael Bay
July 4, 2007
Giant alien robots land on Earth and fight each other, oh yeah and also they can change into stuff. The live action version of the TV and comic book series from the eighties based on the Hasbro toy line. Of course I’m going to see this flick. Here is what I expect from this so-called “summer blockbuster:” Giant Alien Robots that change into stuff, explosions, awkward dialogue between the “human” characters, car chases, jetfighter chases, explosions, John Turturro being the best thing about the movie, and oh did I mention explosions? In my travels around The Net checking various forums I’ve found that already the “Bot Chodes” around the globe are refusing to call this flick Transformers, instead declaring it: “Michael Bay’s Alien Robot Invasion Movie.” I guess they expected it to look just like the cartoon ERRR 22 minute toy commercial from the eighties that they worship to this day. Once again: (how many times is it now?) FILM IS A DIFFERENT MEDIUM! Get a grip Bot Chodes! Everyone knows you’re creaming your panties over this flick! Now shut the fuck up and pay the $12!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Directed by David Yates
July 13, 2007
With their warning about Lord Voldemort's return being ignored, Harry and Dumbledore are targeted by the Ministry for Magic as an authoritarian bureaucrat seizes control of Hogwarts. The fifth film in the series based on the books by JK Rowling. A terrific book. A LONG book. It will be interesting to see how it translates into film, but how can you go wrong with Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix Lestrange? I am seeing it, and you should too!

The Simpsons Movie
Directed by David Silverman
July 27, 2007
Homer must save the world from a disaster he created. Based on the looooonnnggg (some, like me say too long) running TV series created by Matt Groening. Even though the show hasn’t been good since the sixth season, I still plan on dragging my fat, funny-book making ass to this flick this summer, if for no other reason that morbid curiosity.

The Bourne Ultimatum
Directed by Paul Greengrass
August 3, 2007
Matt Damon is back as Jason Bourne who races around the globe to try to find out the mystery of his past while a government agent tracks him down. Meh, I gotta admit, I’m kinda hooked on this series and have often is the past been heard to say: “The Bourne Identity was the best Bond Film never made.”

Rush Hour 3
Directed by Brett Ratner
August 10, 2007
On vacation in Paris, Lee and Carter inadvertently get mixed up with the Chinese Triads. The first rush Hour was fun, the second suffered from lazy writing, and a poor story (although it did have Zhang Ziyi, which is nice). Who knows what the third in the series will offer, all I know is that Chris Tucker got paid WAYYY too much to be in this flick. Definitely waiting for the DVD.

Thus an end is brought to the first big summer movie preview from the offices of ChilledMonkeyBrainz. It looks to be somewhat of a mixed bag this year, but who the hell knows maybe one or two will surprise and actually be half decent!

Until next time I AM OUT!



The sky was thick and grey, the clouds hanging oppressively low and the wind is showing its truculence and blowing cold. The kind of cold that goes right through a man’s clothes and bites into the skin. Bones aching, blood congealing, tendons stiffening, the body failing, as all my thoughts turn cancerous. It’s the kind of cold that leaves you wondering if you’ll ever be warm again.

The cold and the grey suck the colors out of the world turning everything ugly, dirty, and flat. If only some rain would fall, at least then I wouldn’t be choking on the dust, my skin wouldn’t be forever dry, cracking, splitting like a hot dog held too long over the campfire flames.

This must be a Thursday; I never could get the hang of Thursdays.


The Hollywood Be-Esser

Los Angeles (AP) Yet another person has thrown their “hat” into the ring and is claiming to be the father of Anna-Nicole Smith’s baby.

Canadian writer/artist J.C. Hunter came forward Wednesday basing his paternal claim on a “tryst” he allegedly had with the buxom model.

“I really thought it was the right thing to do, coming forward, considering there is a very good possibility that I am the Father.” Hunter said in a press conference Wednesday from his loft in Calgary, Canada.

His on-again, off-again girlfriend, Latina Pop-singer Shakira, had this to say when given the news: “It does not surprise me. He is extremely virile, but also a cheating bastard. But that is what I love about him.”

Anna-Nicole Smith’s boyfriend, Attorney Howard K. Stern is quoted in Variety as saying: “This is turning into a freaking circus! Everyone knows I’m the true father and when the DNA tests come in, I am going to sue every one of the cocksuckers that claimed otherwise.

A Paternal DNA test is scheduled for Monday.



As of two hours ago, and probably due, at least in part to the Rant below, the fifteen British Servicemen were set free by the Iranian terrorist, rogue government.

You see, getting angry does help!


I'm probably alone here with this rant but what the hell, it's my freaking blog.

When will the world learn that you cannot negotiate with terrorists or terrorist states posing as legitimate countries? What the hell is Tony Blair doing “talking” to the so-called government of Iran?

And before any of you bleeding heart socialists out there say: “but Jaeger, Iran isn’t a terrorist state!” Uh, yeah, they are actually. If your government KIDNAPS citizens of another government and threatens to behead them unless you comply to their demands, then you have just abdicated your privilege to be called a “legitimate” government and have become a “rogue” state. That’s not me talking that is the truth.

What is it with these religious nut case nations anyway? Prowling around in the dead of night with the Quran in one hand and an AK-47 in the other, heads completely covered, cowards that they are, the only thing showing is their evil, dark eyes. Eyes glassed over with a hateful fury reserved for the religious zealot.

What’s my solution? Tony Blair should grow a pair and TELL these terrorist that this will no be tolerated in a free society, and if they don’t release his people there will be severe consequences. Briton has nukes right?

Whatever, who cares right? I guess when the British sailors are killed, then someone will start paying attention.

That’s all I have, but before I go, WAR bums trying to deposit rocks in bank accounts as currency. And WAR Peace in the Middle East not being an oxymoron.

Until next time I AM OUT!


Of the Days Annoyances...

- The Nashville Predators are an “elite” team in the NHL.

- Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell. Geeze Mr. Loaf, if hell was so boring, why the return trip?

- Edmonton Oilers and Oilerfan. Nice MULLET!

- Al Gore. Do you really think you can convince people living in a part of the country that has NINE MONTHS of cold weather a year that global warming is anything more than specious science and a scam to sell DVD’s?

- Shakira isn’t my girlfriend

- The

- People suing fast food companies because they are fat, lazy fucks that think big corporations owe them because they are fat, lazy fucks! Grab a salad fatty!!!!

- The NBA. Has there ever been a professional sports league with more thugs, gangsters, and arrogant assholes than this? The answer is NO.

- Poker on
Sportsnet HD. Poker in High Definition? When there is a hockey game on the low def channel? Are you fucking kidding me? Since I’m going on about non-sports let toss these two out there: Golf and Curling*. I constantly hear people refer to these two GAMES as “sports.” They are NOT SPORTS! Any games you can play while drinking, like golf and curling, are just that: GAMES. I can sit around on my ASS and play video games for hours and drink while doing it, therefore gaming is not a sport. Get it?

* By the way, Scottish blokes who wanted something to keep busy at while drinking invented both Golf and Curling.


My Boring-ass Life

You axed for them, you got them: It’s a Jaeger and VKI Grrl monthly update!

Taking a tip from Lupin The Great’s site, I give all you lucky people out there not living in the land of BRAINZ and MONKEYS an update, a tiny “peek” if you will, into our boring-ass lives!

Christ Jesus it’s COLD! It started snowing in fucking September, and has been snowing on and off (mostly ON) ever since. And it’s still snowing as I type this! No sakura blossoms for me, just COLD, and GREYNESS, and MISERY.

Anyway, on with the “update.” Bought a dual station smoothie machine for VKI for White Day and am enjoying the “fruits” (heh) of her smoothie making labor. It’s like having a Jugo Juice or a Booster Juice or whatever the hell that place is called in the states, in our flat! We even got some of those special vitamin, and protein, and Chinese herbal powders to go in the drinks to make us strong like ox and as sly as a canary.

Only 64 more days before my vacation! Remember to get those days off that we discussed McBain! Don’t fail me! You’re my only hope!

That’s all for this month, GOOD NIGHT NOW!


Prepare To Be Reviewed

Straight from his home office to your living room or bedroom, it’s Jaeger’s review of

Realtime Worlds
For the XBOX 360

Crackdown is a third person “sandbox style” shooter in which you play a genetically engineered Super Agent out to wipe the streets clean of its organized crime problem.

The game has a great open-endedness to it that allows the player to do whatever missions they feel like, in whatever order they like without the wretched tediousness of getting “locked in” to a particular playing pattern. If you the player want to go after a Gang Kingpin, you can, or if all you want to do is stand on a rooftop and blow gang members into fiery, meaty, chunks with a rocket launcher, well you can do that too, and believe me that is a lot of fun unto itself.

Leveling up is fun and fairly easy at the start and works like this: The more baddies you shoot, the better your aim and kill power becomes, the more gang bangers you curb-stomp, the stronger you become, eventually becoming strong enough to pick up HUGE shit like trucks, shipping containers etc. to use in pulverizing your enemies.

The AI is surprisingly smart too, so use of weapons and cover is crucial once the player reaches the last couple of Kingpins. The game also contains a little feature that I’m quite fond of that is missing in many other games (
Legend of Jack Sparrow, I’m looking at you): the ability to save your progress without having to piss around finding checkpoints, or finish a mission, or any of that other horse shit so prevalent in games today. For this feature alone I should give the game a five out of five!

The only downside to the game is when executing certain maneuvers it’s too easy to get “caught in the camera angles” and find your character getting cut to pieces by enemy fire before you have a chance to “find yourself.” But this isn’t so much a problem specific to this game (I have the same problem sometimes with
Lost Planet) but a problem with the industry in general, and how artists and coders can’t seem to get in-game camera movement just right.

Anyway, this game rocks. Go get it. Now!

Five (
Armor Agent, armor!) out of Five.


Prepare To Be Reviewed

Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Directed by Justin Lin

This third flick in the
Fast and Furious franchise introduces us to Sean Boswell, a delinquent gear-head who after an insane street racing crash faces his “third strike” and the possibility of jail time. The police drop the charges on the condition that he goes to live with his father in Tokyo (???WTF??? What kind of “punishment” is that? Sounds more like a reward to me!).

Anyway, the flick actually gets good once the focus shifts to Japan where Sean is introduced to the world of
“drift racing” If you don’t know what that is, then look it up, because I’m not going to explain it to your sorry ass.

This flick contains things that Jaeger enjoys: cool Japanese cars, street racing, Tokyo, and last but not least, Japanese Hoochies. The movie climaxes with a cool race down Mount Akina that was ripped directly from the
Manga/ Anime/ Live action flick Initial D.
Sonny Chiba is also in the story playing a bad ass Yakuza guy who wears fedoras and smokes Cubans, so what the hell else do you want from a movie besides maybe an un-credited cameo at the end by Vin Diesel reprising his role of “Dom” from the first flick?
Oh, wait. . .

The DVD has a decent 16x9 anamorphic transfer that is clean and slick, but alas (for me anyway) on the audio side we get no English DTS, merely a Dolby Digital 5.1 which is loud when it should be and not so quiet that you can’t hear the dialog when you need to. There are a bunch of featurettes about the making of the film and about drift racing as well as a commentary by Director Justin Lin.

Flick: 3 out of 5

DVD: 3.5 out of 5


Carb Wars

Six-plus years ago, my good friend Emu went down to the San Diego Comic-Con where she had the pleasure of meeting indie comic greats, Roman Dirge, and Jhonen Vasquez. She even ended up hanging out with them for drinks and partying like it was 1985. This is not what this MicroTale™ is about however.

This story is about doughnuts.

Yes, doughnuts.

For years up here in the Great White North, Tim Horton’s has reigned supreme in the world of doughnuts. I used to stop by one such shop every morning when I used to toil away at the Cosmodemonic Western Airbrake Corporation. No matter what time of the day the Tim Horton’s was freaking packed, with HUGE line-ups at both the counter and the drive-thru. My particular brand of “crack” was the special English Toffee flavored cappuccino beverages, and occasionally I would also buy doughnuts for my production girls.

One day some suit in Downtown Toronto (center of the Universe for those not in the know) decided to standardize the Tim Horton doughnut. As a result they got smaller, and were manufactured in Ontario, frozen and shipped out here to the various shops for re-heating. The point is they don’t taste as good anymore.

Anyway, Emu gets back from Comic-Con all those years ago with tale of a doughnut so sweet, so delicious, so succulent, that the very thought of other doughnuts filled her heart with distain. She was speaking, of course, of the mighty Krispy Kreme™.

Years passed.

Emu is gone now and my heart aches with how much I miss her. Then one day the Krispy Kreme™ Empire expanded to include Calgary and there was freaking Anarchy in the streets I tell you. People camped out for days in front of the shop just to be some of the first to experience the ecstasy that was the Krispy Kreme™ doughnut. For weeks the line-ups at these places dwarfed even the lines at Tim Horton’s. Myself, I never went, because I just didn’t care.

Fast forward to today!

Some guy at work brought in a box of Krispy Kreme™ fat pills and I decided to sample one. After one bite I realized that yes, it is sweet. So sweet, I think it gave me diabetes! Are they better than Tim Horton’s? Well they are bigger, and sweeter… I dunno I mean it’s a freaking doughnut for fook sakes!

I’ll never touch another doughnut again, but right now I sure got a hankerin’ for a Vente Mocha fukaccino! Anyone know of a coffee shop where I can get something like that?




Snow, snow and more freaking SNOW!!!!!

Car is freaking buried to the widows because of the PLOWS! Of course if the plows weren't going, I would complain about the roads being too snowy!

Now tin a matter of a couple of days the temp has gone from -24c to 5c!!!!!

Sludge! SLUDGE!!!!!

Now I have to dig out the car on the weekend!!!

And Lupin bitches when the temp dips a hair below 70F!!!

Come back here for a while to California acclimatized Bastard!!!


I guess this is what you call "mailing it in" on a Friday. My most profuse appologies to my two readers out there!


Down the Pub

Pert. Young. Nipples.

I hadn’t been out to the pub in a long time, the better part of a year at least, and what is the first thing I see upon turning around, my hands full with the first (of many) rounds of the night?

Yes. Pert. Young. Nipples. Hard enough to cut glass if they had to. I found myself freaking mesmerized by them. It was like that scene in Star Wars when the Millennium Falcon was being pulled in by the Death Star’s tractor beam.

After what seems like six lifetimes, I’m finally able to wrench my eyes from them and I see her. She’s young, in her early twenties at least, and her short, dark brown hair is pulled back into a short nubbin of a ponytail with two long strands framing her face. Her lips are rouged, but not to the point of being trashy. She’s wearing a tight, light blue designer tee that leaves very little to the imagination, along with a plaid school kilt, white socks and eight-hole Doc Martens.

I’m lost. I want to spread cream-cheese icing all over her and lick her all over until the end of freaking time. Instead, I squeeze past her with a polite “excuse me” and I’ll be damned if I don’t feel her politely “pinch” my ass as I’m turning around to meet with MacGreggor at our table.


Young chicks.


The Hollywood Be-Esser

Detroit (AP) Sean Combs, aka Puff Daddy, aka Puffy, aka P-Diddy, aka Diddy, the mastermind behind such marketing gimmicks as Sean John, and Jack Johnson clothing, has unleashed his latest consumer assault with the introduction of the “Diddy Edition” Hummer at the Detroit Auto Show. GM spokesman Len Finklestien had this to say about the new vehicle: “This is to be a Limited Edition SUV. Only 2500 will be produced for the North American market, and we’ve already sold the first 1000 in sight-unseen pre-orders.”

The so-called “Diddy Edition” Hummer is a stretch limo style SUV measuring a staggering 42.7 feet making it not only the largest production vehicle ever made, but with it’s 900 thousand dollar price-tag it’s also the most expensive. For your 900 grand you get an SUV with 14 Karat Gold electro-plated body panels, diamond encrusted 22 inch reciprocating rims on all four corners, as well as an all Corinthian Leather interior, full bar, satellite system with 42 inch plasma display, and last but not least, a four person hot tub. Oh, and a diamond encircled rear view mirror.

When Mr. Combs was asked why anyone (including himself) would need such an ostentatious display of wealth just to drive to the local liquor store, he replied: “Yo, I jes keepin’ it real, knowhadamsayin’?”

The “Diddy Edition” Hummer will be available third quarter 2008.


A Weekend Stroll

I’d been walking for hours with my hat pulled low, shading my eyes from the insane glare of the mid-winter sun when I stumbled upon him. If I hadn’t been walking with my head down, maybe I never would have detected the smell of sweat, and diarrhoea coming from what looked like a pile of clothes in the bushes by the river.

I remember being annoyed at first thinking: Another fuckin’ junkie passed out by the river path, stinking up my air, but then something stopped me. Something, I didn’t know what, just something didn’t feel right. I was moving towards him before I made the conscious decision to do so. My guts were twisting with the butterflies of frightened anticipation.

I pushed through the bramble, barely feeling the sharp branches as they struck out at my face. As he slowly came into view I realized that this person was not “a junkie passed out by the river path.” This person, whoever he was, was dead and in that moment, all my preconceived notions of what I might find in the bushes are shattered. This was not a bum, a bottle-picker, a vagrant; his clothes are too new, the cut of his overcoat too fine, his shoes too shiny. He’s just an old guy who stumbled into the bushes and died. Except for his age, he could be me.

I stood for a moment, staring; instantly sobered by the sight of death. He was lying in a heap amongst the brown grass, mud and leaves, his head facing the river, one hand underneath him, the other gripped tightly around something I couldn’t make out. I was suddenly very aware of my breathing, the air from my lungs condensing in the cool air as I exhaled, and the beating of my heart was deafening in my ears.

I don’t even remember pulling out my mobile phone to call the cops, but the look on the old guy’s face is now etched into my memory for eternity: eyes open, mouth slightly agape, a look of pain and confusion about his face.

A bicyclist flew past me, ringing his bell as I stepped back out onto the river path. I looked down the blacktop in both directions and thought about how strange it was that there was nobody about on this Saturday afternoon. Stumbling backwards, I landed on my ass on the opposite side of the pathway, a cloud of dust surrounding me as I hit the brown grass with a thump. I stared down the path again, the bicyclist now only an indistinct shape vanishing into the shadows beneath the fourteenth street bridge, in the other direction, a pair of greyish, nebulous shapes were moving towards me. Shapes that could be the police, a boy and his dog, a pair of joggers, or maybe an old couple out for a pleasant afternoon stroll.


Paradise Lost

Sunday the muffler broke free of the exhaust pipe, yet managed to stay attached due to the mightiness of the hangers. I checked it out and the fracking thing is rusted through!!!

I just had this new exhaust system installed a YEAR AGO! Goddamn this pisses me off, mostly because I know that if I hadn’t been forced to park the Little Red Mazda on the street this winter it wouldn’t have happened.

The road salt and extra moisture assaulting my Little Red Mazda’s undercarriage like a great, big, wet, salty thing is the reason for the rust! I’ll sue!! Or whatever.

I hope beyond hope every day that the Grrl will get off her a$$, clean out her old Honda, and call the goddamn kidney foundation or whatever and have that car towed out of my parking space (for a valuable tax receipt) so that my poor car doesn’t have to deal with this crap for the next four months of icy, sloppy madness that is winter in the city.

And to all those hippies out there whining about progress, “pav(ing) paradise to put up a parking lot,” I say this: First, who said it was paradise anyway, and second, GOOD! We could use another parking lot in this town!

Anyways the Grrl showed up at my work around noon and we went over to Calgary Muffler and they fixed up the problem in about twenty minutes.

We went to lunch after to the mall across the street. I had Manchu Wok; sweet and sour pork + mixed vegetables + skinny noodles + a medium Iced Tea. The Grrl had the pasta and salad from the Italian place whose name escapes me.

I finished about half my drink and lamented over not getting the small size. I can never finish even a medium any more; it’s just too much!

After work we get home and as I’m writing this the building super knocks on the door and tells us that some cock-sucking cowards broke into the Grrl’s car by prying open the driver’s side door sometime last night and RANSACKED the car. I can’t remember if there was anything of value left in the boot (which was pried open as well), I thought I got everything out back in August, but I can’t be sure. . .

AMAZING that NOBODY HEARD ANYTHING last night when this happened considering there is a bedroom window DIRECTLY OVER where the car is parked! Don't worry, if it doesn't concern YOU then don't give it another thought!

Oh well. . . another day in paradise!


Big Brother is Watching You

Joint Passenger Analysis Units were formed jointly by the United States Government and the then Federal Liberal Party of Canada after 9/11, and are now being expanded to include the United Kingdom.

What are they? Well they are groups of “intelligence” officers on both sides of the boarder who use MILLIONS of dollars in our tax money to go through the names of innocent civilians who book flights to the US (if you are Canadian) or Canada (if you are American).

They employ computers to sift through flight information to find out if the flight was booked with a credit card. When they have this info, the deal signed by BOTH of our nations after the mass murder on September 11, 2001 gives them the right to SNOOP through all the financial transactions on the credit card in question.

Oh, yeah they also have the Government’s blessing to employ coders to HACK into your home PC to search people’s personal e-mail, hard drives, what have you, pretty much anything you have on your PC.

Big Brother is Watching You.

Big Brother is Listening.

Big Brother is Learning.

He has been for some time now. The question is; do you feel safer now?

I didn’t think so.

"If we alow people to have personal freedom, then the terrorists have won."
-Jean Chretien


A New Year of Brainz (Monkey)

Happy New Year to all my Geek and Geekette friends, especially those reading this and thinking; “But Jaeger, I’m not a geek.”

Yeah, no actually, YOU ARE. All of you. Wear it proudly; I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So, throw on your Yukata and Apartment pants, grab your
XBOX (or Playstation) controller, a bag of wasabi peas and prepare yourselves for another year of Ranting, Raving, Short Stories, Game and Flick reviews, and of course, Hoochies.

2007 is going to be the YEAR OF

Let the Madness Begin!

Or, as my friend Captain Teneel says: Get it on!

Reviews From The Chesterfield

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