Repair To Be Previewed

Still pretending to be a real human, it's Jaeger and his 2007 Summer Movie Preview

Spiderman 3
Directed by Sam Raimi
May 4, 2007
Well, well, well, first off we have Spiderman 3 coming out May 4th and who isn’t looking forward to this flick? Well, besides Julian that is. Since I don’t have the insane continuity hang ups of 90% of the comic fanboys out there, I gotta say I totally am looking forward to this, the third (and possibly final?) Spidey flick because of one thing: Venom! Who cares if the story doesn’t follow the comics exactly to the last panel? Once again for those who missed it the first fifty times I said it: FILM IS A DIFFERENT MEDIUM THAN COMICS! Change is good fanboys, learn to embrace it!

28 Weeks Later. . .
Directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo
May 11, 2007
Six months after the events in the first flick, the US Army tries to secure a small area of London for survivors to repopulate and start again. Come on! Zombies? In London? I am SO THERE!!!!!

Shrek the Third
Directed by Chris Miller and Ramon Hsui
May 18, 2007
Hrrm, yet another Shrek flick. I liked the first one; thought the second one was mediocre, and didn’t think a third flick was necessary. But luckily for all you Shrek fans out there DreamWorks SKG doesn’t give a shite what I think! The green ogre, his wife, and the donkey are back for another kick at the cat, this time King Harold falls ill and Shrek and Princess Fiona recruit their friends Donkey, and Puss in Boots, and a band of royal girlfriends to fend off a coup d'etat by the jilted Prince Charming. Meh, I’ll wait for the DVD and rent it. Or let someone else buy it and borrow it from them.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Directed by Gore Verbinski
May 25, 2007
The final chapter in the Pirates trilogy proves to be bigger and even more bad-ass than the two previous instalments Go see it, if only to see how much Johnny Depp rocks as Captain Jack Sparrow. The only reason I’m not dressing up like a pirate and going on opening day is because I will be in LA at CIV.

Oceans 13
Directed by Steven Soderbergh
June 8, 2007
Are you fucking kidding me? After what an abysmal failure Ocean’s 12 was? Talk about taking a mediocre concept and beating it like a re-headed stepchild! Is Warner Brothers Trying to go broke? I wouldn’t touch this one with a ten-foot barge pole even if Julia Roberts wasn’t in it!

Live Free or Die Hard
Directed by Len Wiseman
June 29, 2007
John McClane is back and taking on an Internet-based terrorist (WTF???) who is systematically shutting down the United States. Uh, okay. The first Die Hard should be taught in film school. It is one of the best action flicks EVER MADE, and the less said about the two sequels the better. How will this newest edition to the franchise hold up? Only one way to find out! Be sure to email me a review if you see it because even with Kevin Smith in this thing, I am going to pass. In fact, I couldn’t be less interested in seeing this flick unless they put that puffy, margarine-faced twit Renee Zellweger in it.

Transformers
Directed by Michael Bay
July 4, 2007
Giant alien robots land on Earth and fight each other, oh yeah and also they can change into stuff. The live action version of the TV and comic book series from the eighties based on the Hasbro toy line. Of course I’m going to see this flick. Here is what I expect from this so-called “summer blockbuster:” Giant Alien Robots that change into stuff, explosions, awkward dialogue between the “human” characters, car chases, jetfighter chases, explosions, John Turturro being the best thing about the movie, and oh did I mention explosions? In my travels around The Net checking various forums I’ve found that already the “Bot Chodes” around the globe are refusing to call this flick Transformers, instead declaring it: “Michael Bay’s Alien Robot Invasion Movie.” I guess they expected it to look just like the cartoon ERRR 22 minute toy commercial from the eighties that they worship to this day. Once again: (how many times is it now?) FILM IS A DIFFERENT MEDIUM! Get a grip Bot Chodes! Everyone knows you’re creaming your panties over this flick! Now shut the fuck up and pay the $12!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Directed by David Yates
July 13, 2007
With their warning about Lord Voldemort's return being ignored, Harry and Dumbledore are targeted by the Ministry for Magic as an authoritarian bureaucrat seizes control of Hogwarts. The fifth film in the series based on the books by JK Rowling. A terrific book. A LONG book. It will be interesting to see how it translates into film, but how can you go wrong with Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix Lestrange? I am seeing it, and you should too!

The Simpsons Movie
Directed by David Silverman
July 27, 2007
Homer must save the world from a disaster he created. Based on the looooonnnggg (some, like me say too long) running TV series created by Matt Groening. Even though the show hasn’t been good since the sixth season, I still plan on dragging my fat, funny-book making ass to this flick this summer, if for no other reason that morbid curiosity.

The Bourne Ultimatum
Directed by Paul Greengrass
August 3, 2007
Matt Damon is back as Jason Bourne who races around the globe to try to find out the mystery of his past while a government agent tracks him down. Meh, I gotta admit, I’m kinda hooked on this series and have often is the past been heard to say: “The Bourne Identity was the best Bond Film never made.”

Rush Hour 3
Directed by Brett Ratner
August 10, 2007
On vacation in Paris, Lee and Carter inadvertently get mixed up with the Chinese Triads. The first rush Hour was fun, the second suffered from lazy writing, and a poor story (although it did have Zhang Ziyi, which is nice). Who knows what the third in the series will offer, all I know is that Chris Tucker got paid WAYYY too much to be in this flick. Definitely waiting for the DVD.

Thus an end is brought to the first big summer movie preview from the offices of ChilledMonkeyBrainz. It looks to be somewhat of a mixed bag this year, but who the hell knows maybe one or two will surprise and actually be half decent!


Until next time I AM OUT!