I flew into LAX on the 23rd and the fun hasn't ended yet! The Star Wars convention was rad, and shall be blogged about in full in the next couple of days, so stay tuned! You know you want to! San Jose is clear and 80F! I hope you are all jealous!



Prepare To Be Reviewed

The Cutting Edge of All That Matters, It's Jaeger's Review of

A Rodriguez/Tarantino Double Feature

First, let me paint a picture of the Uptown Theater: It’s seen better days. The theater was constructed in 1951 and is the best example in the city of Art Deco Architecture. In the mid-seventies it was refurbished and the balcony was walled off to make a second theater, and 125 (of the original 600!) seats were removed to build a new projection room. The most recent refurbishment was back in ’93.

I have seen a lot of flicks in this old theater, including Clerks, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, and at least a dozen others over the years. The carpet is kind of worn down, the seats kind of threadbare in places (comfortable as hell though!), and it was without a doubt the BEST Theater in TOWN to see Grindhouse.

As I sat, jacked back at a twenty degree angle facing the huge screen, a dude in a grizzled beard stepped up on the stage and manually cranked open the heavy, maroon curtains, I knew I was in for a cinematic treat. Boy was I right.

The flick stars off with a fake trailer for the “film” Machete* starring (of course) Danny Trejo, and never lets up from there. Grindhouse not only lived up to my expectations but surpassed them. It’s dark, shocking, funny, surreal, and awesome. Of the two features I think “Planet Terror” the Robert Rodriguez half of the double bill is the stronger of the two, but Tarantino’s “Death Proof” has the better ending.

Hey, this flick (or these flicks perhaps) even managed to change my opinion of Rose McGowan who I have despised ever since I first saw her in that hideous Araki flick back in the nineties. This is strong praise if you know how much I hate Greg Araki’s “films," and how much I used to hate Rose McGowan!

GO SEE IT!!! Do not let this gem pass silently into the darkness! You will not be disappointed.

5 out of 5

*Rodriguez has since announced that he is going to make this film! Talk about Art imitating Art!


Meat Tampon

Uhnn… Feeling miserable today. Just my luck to get sick right before my holiday!

Anyway, I picked up a steak the other day and was greeted by the juicy presence of the nasty Meat Tampon. The Meat Tampon has always amused me. Actually it’s more like a Meat Absorbent Pad, but I always liked the word “Tampon” more.

For those who don’t know, the Meat Tampon is that absorbent “pad” that lies at the bottom of every package of meat that one buys in the grocery store. The pad that sits between the meat and the Styrofoam packaging that absorbs the blood and bits and keeps your steak looking moist and delicious and preventing unsightly, red, meaty menstrual-like juices from overflowing inside.

I’ve often wondered about how this invention came to be. Did some butcher one-day just say to his buddy: “You know what would be great? If we could figure out a way to stop the bloody juices in meat from filling up the packages we sell them in.” Or maybe a chick invented it, who knows?

Maybe I’m a little too curious about this… perhaps it’s the fever…


We Don't Need Another Hero

It’s funny to say but these days more than any others there are no true heroes, people known for their great deeds. Guys like Hercules for example, the true gods of antiquity. Dudes who saved whole villages from the Minotaur and stuff. Today we have only celebrities: people known because they are well known and for no other reason.

The worst of the celebrity ilk out there is of course Paris Hilton. Lets break it down shall we? She is a hugely known, hugely loved celebrity for… what was it exactly? Oh yeah, her parents are Billionaires, and uh, she had some rather pedestrian intercourse on the Internet… and, uh her parents are rich… man, the sooner this no-talent, flat-chested, horse-faced skank’s fifteen minutes are over, the better off the world will be.


Repair To Be Previewed

Inventor of the Internet, and Emperor of the Moon, It’s Jaeger and the Summer 2007 Movie Preview Part II.

Fay Grim
Directed by Hal Hartley
May 18, 2007

A continuation of Hal Hartley's "Henry Fool", where Fay Grim (Parker Posey) is coerced by a CIA agent (Jeff Goldblum) to try and locate notebooks that belonged to her fugitive ex-husband. Interesting looking flick, seeing the trailer the other day on HDNet made me want to check out the first flick before going to see this one.

Directed by William Friedkin
May 25, 2007

A lonely waitress with a tragic past, Agnes rooms in a run-down motel, living in fear of her recently paroled ex-husband. But when she begins a romance with Peter, an eccentric, nervous drifter, she starts to feel hopeful. A psychological thriller from the Academy Award winning director of “The Exorcist.” Meh, I don’t know… I think I’ve had just about enough of Ashley Judd to last the rest of my life. Oh, and I don’t think it’s a remake of the 1975 insect horror flick by Jeannot Szwarc, too bad eh!

Directed by Satoshi Kon
May 25, 2007 (NY)

Dr. Atsuko Chiba is an attractive, modest Japanese research psychotherapist whose work is on the cutting edge. Her alter-ego is a stunning and fearless 18 year old "dream detective," code named Paprika, who can enter into people's dreams and synchronize with their unconscious to help uncover the source of their anxiety or neurosis. I hope this flick gets a wide release because I am all over it. Say a trailer for it on Attack of the Show last month and my jaw dropped, this Anime flick looks spectacular.

Day Watch (Dnevnoi Dozor)

Directed by Timur Bekmambetov
June 1, 2007 (limited)
"Day Watch (Dnevnoi Dozor)" is the second flick in a trilogy based on the best-selling sci-fi novels of Sergei Lukyanenko entitled "Night Watch." Again, I saw a trailer for this the other day on AOTS and was blown away by the insane visuals. I hope we see a release up here, because this one looks like a winner. Of course those of you who don’t like subtitles will be out of luck as the flick is Russian!

Hostel: Part II

Directed by Eli Roth
June 8, 2007

Do I even need to say anything about this unnecessary sequel? Am I the only one that is tired of this umpteenth “Saw style” horror flick? I shake my head… I am sure that it will make a heap of cash, because this seems to be what the movie going public wants these days… PASS!

Surf's Up

Directed by Ash Brannon, Chris Buck
June 8, 2007

Another CG penguin flick? Do all the CG animated film producers in Hollywood just pool all their ideas together every year and decide to make the same flicks? Is there a screenwriting stylist out there who gets paid huge bank to just go around to the studios and tell them: This year its Giant Space Rocks, or Fish, or Penguins? If so why do I not have this job? Anyways, the animation looks pretty slick, so I might rent this one in three months when it comes out on DVD.

DOA: Dead or Alive

Directed by Corey Yuen
June 22, 2007

Live action flick based on the sexy video game. If it has half the jiggling boobies of the game, I shall say that it is money well spent. Hmm... cheesy! As if I needed another reason to see this, I give you two words: Devon Aoki.

That’s all for today, I might have a couple more next week… maybe.


Stupid Video Tricks

Behold! The MonkeyBrainz now contain Distracting Video for all of you choades out there who don't like to READ!! Yeeha!


Piracy My Ass

Here’s what bugs me this week:

Huge, Billionaire, movie studio execs whining vociferously about so-called “internet movie piracy” and how “damaging” it is to their billion dollar bottom lines. Come on! Do they really think we are that stupid?

DVD sales and rentals are at a five-year high, there aren’t enough bank vaults in all of North America to hold the record profits the studios are making these days, and still they have the stones to bitch and complain about the one-tenth of one percent of profit the are supposedly losing to “piracy”?

They say the “Government” must help them “fight video piracy,” but then they choose to break-up single TV seasons into two or more separate sets, so they can release them slowly, over an extended period of time in order to rip more dollars from the already straining pockets of the DVD consumer.

The billionaire studio execs wonder why people are downloading video content from the Internet when they should be looking at themselves and the choices they make that are directly contributing to so-called “video piracy.”

The last time I checked, none of these fatass studio execs were missing any meals lately…

Reviews From The Chesterfield

Ghost in the Shell Directed by Rupert Sanders Based on the manga by Shirow Masamune In the near future, the cyberneticly enhan...