The Hollywood Be-Esser

Detroit (AP) Sean Combs, aka Puff Daddy, aka Puffy, aka P-Diddy, aka Diddy, the mastermind behind such marketing gimmicks as Sean John, and Jack Johnson clothing, has unleashed his latest consumer assault with the introduction of the “Diddy Edition” Hummer at the Detroit Auto Show. GM spokesman Len Finklestien had this to say about the new vehicle: “This is to be a Limited Edition SUV. Only 2500 will be produced for the North American market, and we’ve already sold the first 1000 in sight-unseen pre-orders.”

The so-called “Diddy Edition” Hummer is a stretch limo style SUV measuring a staggering 42.7 feet making it not only the largest production vehicle ever made, but with it’s 900 thousand dollar price-tag it’s also the most expensive. For your 900 grand you get an SUV with 14 Karat Gold electro-plated body panels, diamond encrusted 22 inch reciprocating rims on all four corners, as well as an all Corinthian Leather interior, full bar, satellite system with 42 inch plasma display, and last but not least, a four person hot tub. Oh, and a diamond encircled rear view mirror.

When Mr. Combs was asked why anyone (including himself) would need such an ostentatious display of wealth just to drive to the local liquor store, he replied: “Yo, I jes keepin’ it real, knowhadamsayin’?”

The “Diddy Edition” Hummer will be available third quarter 2008.


A Weekend Stroll

I’d been walking for hours with my hat pulled low, shading my eyes from the insane glare of the mid-winter sun when I stumbled upon him. If I hadn’t been walking with my head down, maybe I never would have detected the smell of sweat, and diarrhoea coming from what looked like a pile of clothes in the bushes by the river.

I remember being annoyed at first thinking: Another fuckin’ junkie passed out by the river path, stinking up my air, but then something stopped me. Something, I didn’t know what, just something didn’t feel right. I was moving towards him before I made the conscious decision to do so. My guts were twisting with the butterflies of frightened anticipation.

I pushed through the bramble, barely feeling the sharp branches as they struck out at my face. As he slowly came into view I realized that this person was not “a junkie passed out by the river path.” This person, whoever he was, was dead and in that moment, all my preconceived notions of what I might find in the bushes are shattered. This was not a bum, a bottle-picker, a vagrant; his clothes are too new, the cut of his overcoat too fine, his shoes too shiny. He’s just an old guy who stumbled into the bushes and died. Except for his age, he could be me.

I stood for a moment, staring; instantly sobered by the sight of death. He was lying in a heap amongst the brown grass, mud and leaves, his head facing the river, one hand underneath him, the other gripped tightly around something I couldn’t make out. I was suddenly very aware of my breathing, the air from my lungs condensing in the cool air as I exhaled, and the beating of my heart was deafening in my ears.

I don’t even remember pulling out my mobile phone to call the cops, but the look on the old guy’s face is now etched into my memory for eternity: eyes open, mouth slightly agape, a look of pain and confusion about his face.

A bicyclist flew past me, ringing his bell as I stepped back out onto the river path. I looked down the blacktop in both directions and thought about how strange it was that there was nobody about on this Saturday afternoon. Stumbling backwards, I landed on my ass on the opposite side of the pathway, a cloud of dust surrounding me as I hit the brown grass with a thump. I stared down the path again, the bicyclist now only an indistinct shape vanishing into the shadows beneath the fourteenth street bridge, in the other direction, a pair of greyish, nebulous shapes were moving towards me. Shapes that could be the police, a boy and his dog, a pair of joggers, or maybe an old couple out for a pleasant afternoon stroll.


Paradise Lost

Sunday the muffler broke free of the exhaust pipe, yet managed to stay attached due to the mightiness of the hangers. I checked it out and the fracking thing is rusted through!!!

I just had this new exhaust system installed a YEAR AGO! Goddamn this pisses me off, mostly because I know that if I hadn’t been forced to park the Little Red Mazda on the street this winter it wouldn’t have happened.

The road salt and extra moisture assaulting my Little Red Mazda’s undercarriage like a great, big, wet, salty thing is the reason for the rust! I’ll sue!! Or whatever.

I hope beyond hope every day that the Grrl will get off her a$$, clean out her old Honda, and call the goddamn kidney foundation or whatever and have that car towed out of my parking space (for a valuable tax receipt) so that my poor car doesn’t have to deal with this crap for the next four months of icy, sloppy madness that is winter in the city.

And to all those hippies out there whining about progress, “pav(ing) paradise to put up a parking lot,” I say this: First, who said it was paradise anyway, and second, GOOD! We could use another parking lot in this town!

Anyways the Grrl showed up at my work around noon and we went over to Calgary Muffler and they fixed up the problem in about twenty minutes.

We went to lunch after to the mall across the street. I had Manchu Wok; sweet and sour pork + mixed vegetables + skinny noodles + a medium Iced Tea. The Grrl had the pasta and salad from the Italian place whose name escapes me.

I finished about half my drink and lamented over not getting the small size. I can never finish even a medium any more; it’s just too much!

After work we get home and as I’m writing this the building super knocks on the door and tells us that some cock-sucking cowards broke into the Grrl’s car by prying open the driver’s side door sometime last night and RANSACKED the car. I can’t remember if there was anything of value left in the boot (which was pried open as well), I thought I got everything out back in August, but I can’t be sure. . .

AMAZING that NOBODY HEARD ANYTHING last night when this happened considering there is a bedroom window DIRECTLY OVER where the car is parked! Don't worry, if it doesn't concern YOU then don't give it another thought!

Oh well. . . another day in paradise!


Big Brother is Watching You

Joint Passenger Analysis Units were formed jointly by the United States Government and the then Federal Liberal Party of Canada after 9/11, and are now being expanded to include the United Kingdom.

What are they? Well they are groups of “intelligence” officers on both sides of the boarder who use MILLIONS of dollars in our tax money to go through the names of innocent civilians who book flights to the US (if you are Canadian) or Canada (if you are American).

They employ computers to sift through flight information to find out if the flight was booked with a credit card. When they have this info, the deal signed by BOTH of our nations after the mass murder on September 11, 2001 gives them the right to SNOOP through all the financial transactions on the credit card in question.

Oh, yeah they also have the Government’s blessing to employ coders to HACK into your home PC to search people’s personal e-mail, hard drives, what have you, pretty much anything you have on your PC.

Big Brother is Watching You.

Big Brother is Listening.

Big Brother is Learning.

He has been for some time now. The question is; do you feel safer now?

I didn’t think so.

"If we alow people to have personal freedom, then the terrorists have won."
-Jean Chretien


A New Year of Brainz (Monkey)

Happy New Year to all my Geek and Geekette friends, especially those reading this and thinking; “But Jaeger, I’m not a geek.”

Yeah, no actually, YOU ARE. All of you. Wear it proudly; I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So, throw on your Yukata and Apartment pants, grab your
XBOX (or Playstation) controller, a bag of wasabi peas and prepare yourselves for another year of Ranting, Raving, Short Stories, Game and Flick reviews, and of course, Hoochies.

2007 is going to be the YEAR OF

Let the Madness Begin!

Or, as my friend Captain Teneel says: Get it on!

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