Lond Ho Adventures

Lager Quest Part 2

Hunter pulled the door closed and locked the deadbolt with the key he kept on a leather cord around his neck. Bill visibly winced at the sound made by the door, knowing that even the slightest noise coming from their end of the hall would draw the attention of Doris; the divorced, forty-something, building manager who lived in the flat opposite the lifts, the flat right next to theirs.

Bill looked down the hallway, the carpet that would have been psychedelic and cool if the colours were anything other than brown and beige stretched out before him. The elevator call button was between the two lifts, about fifteen steps away. They could make it, he thought, if they were very, very stealthy…

Twelve steps in, and Doris appeared in her doorway, the ever-present SuperCan™ of Molson Canadian in one hand, a More Menthol 120 at her lips, and “Mississippi Queen” belting out from a stereo somewhere inside the dark, smoky flat.

“Evening boys, how’s it going?”

Bill’s finger hovered over the ancient, concave glass style elevator call button, noticing for perhaps the first time the greasy finger-prints on and all around it. He wondered briefly how many hundreds, if not thousands of filthy fingers had pressed the button since the seventies when London House was erected. He decided he didn’t want to know. There was a decision to be made here and he had to be the one to make it. Hunter smirked bemusedly at his friend and seemed to read his mind. Hunter was going to blow it for them by starting up a conversation with her, Bill just knew it. The conversation would lead, possibly, to them going into Doris’s place for a beer, and perhaps a joint, and by the end of the night Bill would have to “take care of business” as it were. There would be “free” beers, but at what price? No, he decided, not tonight, not on his watch. Bill’s finger stabbed at the call button five more times than was necessary, the downward facing triangle lit up orange and the lift was on its way.

Hunter however had other plans. He wanted to see Bill squirm, bastard that he was. Hunter spun on his heel.

“Oh, hey Doris? What’re you up to tonight?”

“You know, just hanging out, drinking a beer, listening to some tunes,” she craned her head so she could see Bill, “Hows it hangin’ Billy?”

Bill winced. He hated it when she tried to sound younger than she was, almost as much as he hated being called “Billy.” His finger stabbed away at the elevator call button three more times before turning around.

“Evening Doris.”

Doris took a swig of beer, “So you boys are on your way out somewhere?”

Hunter piped up, determined to prolong Bill’s agony, “Yeah we need to go pick up some beers.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Doris looked at Bill, “I’ve got plenty of beer. You guys should come in and join me for a couple-three!”

“Oh, thanks Doris but we were actually headed down to the Unicorn to meet a buddy so-“

Hunter cut him off, “We are?”

“Yes we are. You not listening back there?” Bill jerked a thumb back towards the door of #1401.

“Oh, yeah…” Hunter shrugged, “You know my hearing is a little off in the one ear.”

Bill grumbled, saying every word like it was its own sentence, “So. It. Would. Seem.”

Hunter turned to Doris, “Sorry love, I guess we’ll have to take a rain-check.”

The elevator chimed its arrival.

“No problem Joe, you know you two are welcome anytime!” Doris smiled.

The elevator doors slid open, and Bill was inside before they had fully parted, dragging Hunter in behind him by the arm. The lift doors slid shut and Bill glanced annoyed at the elevator floor panel, Superstitious nonsense! Just because they don’t call it the thirteenth floor doesn’t mean it isn’t, he thought as he pushed the L button to take them down to the Lobby.

Will Bill and Hunter make it out of Lond Ho ALIVE? Tune in next time for part 3!



Directed by Nathan Greno, and Byron Howard

Disney has gone back to their 1980’s formula of “musical theater” for their animated features beginning with 2009’s wonderful, and imaginative The Princess and the Frog. That musical storytelling tradition is continued with their latest feature, the thoroughly mediocre “animated classic,” Tangled.

This is Disney’s 50th animated feature so one would have expected a spectacular feature to celebrate that milestone. Instead, what we get is a run-of-the-mill re-imagining of Grimm’s tale of Rapunzel that while it has it’s decent moments, never rises to the level of the original source material, or even previous Disney animated efforts. The flick falls flat through uninspired songs, and completely lackluster vocal performances by Mandy Moore, and Zach Levi who play Rapunzel and Eugene respectively.

The look of the flick is quite stunning however, from the background design, to the animation mechanics behind Rapunzel’s trademark long, blonde hair. The flick’s MPEG-4 AVC encoded 1080p presentation is also quite good, but I would expect no less from Disney Home Video these days, and the DTS-HD MA 7.1 soundtrack is fabulous, giving all home theater audio channels the workout they deserve. The supplemental package is especially disappointing with its conspicuous lack of director’s commentary, or anything of real value. This is especially annoying considering what we have seen from Disney’s other animated Blu-ray releases.

Unfortunately the awesome audio and video presentation does not make up for an average story that falls flat on almost every level, especially the ending.

Based on it’s weak story, and a distinct lack of substantive extras, I can only give Disney’s Tangled TWO wacky hair gags out of FIVE.


Lond Ho Adventures

Lager Quest part 1

Bill was contributing to his ass-print on the huge chesterfield as he sat glued to CNN for the third straight hour as it showed over and over again the latest images from the burning of the Branch Davidian compound. Normally, a little over an hour a day was all the CNN he could manage as his roommate, Hunter, was an avid TV and movie watcher. Avid meaning the fucker watched anything and everything, on his TV and Betamax, whenever he wanted to, no matter the quality. Bill, on the other hand was a self-proclaimed news junkie. He read both local newspapers daily, listened to the all news radio station on a tiny, pocket sized radio while working, and watched CNN every moment he could. Bill had often told Hunter that read and watched the news all the time because he needed to know what was happening on the planet he lived on, even if Hunter chose to go through life oblivious to everything around him.

A commercial break gave Bill the opportunity to get up and hit the fridge for a beer. The last beer. The beer Hunter had slipped into the back of the crisper so he would have something to drink when he got home from work. Bill chuckled, and then snatched it, effectively removing the last edible item from the fridge. He sat back down and popped the top just as images David Koresh’s burning compound once again came upon the TV screen. He took a long draught from the tinnie of Black Label, it was awful, but it was cheap, and money wasn’t exactly falling from the sky like manna from the heavens these days.

The lock clicked, and popped, followed by the dead bolt, the door flew open and Hunter stumbled in. He threw his rucksack on the tan, leather chair and walked straight to the fridge.

Bill took another swig of lager, and smiled an evil smile, knowing what was coming. He pulled his hoodie hood over his head.


Hunter stared at the empty crisper drawer and slammed it shut in disgust. He glanced around the empty fridge to make sure there wasn’t another beer hidden somewhere, perhaps in the butter saver… alas the only thing left in the fridge was an empty jar of mustard, and several packets of McDonald’s ketchup strewn about on top of the egg holder.

Hunter stepped into the living room and spotted Bill sitting on the chesterfield with the tinnie of lager placed precariously on the armrest. Hunter looked at Bill, then down at the can of beer, then back at Bill.

Bill stroked the top of the can, “You want this don’t you?” He said in his best Emperor Palpatine impersonation.

Hunter just stared at him, anger welling in his soul at having no beer with which to slake his thirst after a long, hard day toiling for the Cosmodemonic Security Corporation.

Bill looked up into Hunter’s eyes, and continued, “Take it, drink it down with all of your anger, and your journey to the Drunk Side will have begun!”

Hunter looked down at the can, and then back at Bill, he reached for the can as if trying to will it into his hand with the Force.

“Or,” Bill said, “as I was just paid today, we could just go down to the Booze-a-Rama and pick up more.”

Hunter smiled and nodded as Bill stood up, throwing on a jacket. The boys stepped out the door of apartment 1401, their quest for more lager underway.

Will Bill and Hunter find the beer they’re looking for and precede toward drunkenness? Tune in next week for part 2!!!


CMBZ Follower Contest

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Tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell people you may only consider aquaintances!

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Thank you for all your support, both past and future, and good luck to us all!

For Relaxing Times...

Shefield & Son’s Toro

A new review feature debuts today on CMBZ; cigar reviews! Today we’re reviewing Shefield & Son’s “Store Brand” Toro sized, (50 ring gauge, by six inches long) Nicaraguan cigar.

First lets say that being a cigar enthusiast in Canada is a bit of a pain in the ass due to the insanely excessive prices of single sticks. In this country, the average tax on a single cigar is MANY, MANY times the price of the product. A good example of this is the Macanudo Maduro Hampton Courts I got in from the USA recently, and paid only $7 a stick for, are selling for $30 a stick plus tax at the local tobacconinsts here in Red Mile City. Just something to keep in mind, when I use the term “value” and “affordable,” these terms mean VERY different things up here than they do in the USA. At under $9 a stick, this mild to medium cigar still isn’t affordable enough to be a daily smoke, but it is still a decent price for this country.

The Shefield & Son’s Toro cigar is a well-constructed, mild to medium bodied smoke that had an even pre-draw, and greeted me with some pleasant earthy, grassy tones upon lighting. The cigar held it’s light, flaky ash for a good inch, and the richness of the soil the Nicaraguan tobacco was grown in came through with the light, almost white colour of the ash. It burned evenly and had more than a satisfactory draw from start to finish. About a third of the way in, some vanilla notes made an appearance, and halfway through I detected some sweet, caramel flavours, the cigar surprised me at it’s final third with a brightness that bordered on “mintyness” that although brief, was certainly welcome.

The Shefield & Son’s Toro is overall a decent, relaxingly pleasant smoke with a surprising variety of light flavours at a reasonable (for Canada) price.

3.5 out of 5.



Another Brutally Honest Flick Review By The Jaeger

Directed by Declan O’Brien

“Not like this! Not like this!”

In film and writing there are the good, like The Empire Strikes Back, and Tropic of Cancer, the bad, like Avatar, and EVERY book based on a woman “writer’s” crap blog. There is also a third category I like to call BAD/GOOD, or something so BAD it’s GOOD, like Plan 9 From Outer Space, and The Eye of Argon. Sharktopus belongs in this third category.

Eric Roberts (Academy Award Nominee Best Supporting Actor, 1985 Runaway Train) plays Dr. Nathan Sands, the Doctor Frankenstein-esque scientist and creator of the Top Secret S-11, AKA: Sharktopus, a biological weapon created for the US Navy, and designed to infiltrate enemy waters without detection, and carry out whatever missions the Navy sees fit to program it with. But of course as with all these types of experiments, there is an “unforeseen” accident that damages S-11’s control device, the creature frees itself and of course, goes on a rampage. Cheeze-filled awesomeness ensues.

Goofy, wicked, NEVER SCARY, and always played with tongue planted FIRMLY in cheek, this SyFy Channel “Movie of the Week” Produced by Roger Corman for all its goofiness manages never to look “cheap” like most TV movies. Clearly the Sharktopus itself is a wonderfully fake-looking CGI monster, but it is certainly apparent they spent some money on it, more than they did on actors for instance.

The video is a fairly mediocre 1080p MPEG 4 AVC transfer which fluctuates from sharp to soft more times than you can count, but the audio is a solid Dolby Digital True HD 5.1 track that does it's job quite well.

The flick knows its audience, geeky fan-boys who can laugh at themselves, and plays to that audience. Sure the performances are poor, (Liv Boughn) even BRUTALLY BAD at times (Julian Gonzalez), and the Visual Effects are, to borrow a phrase from me old mate McBain, “the O-Pitome of Cheese,” but all in all it is a heap of fun and entirely watchable. A word of warning however, if you don’t understand, or enjoy bad/good stuff like Plan 9, The Toxic Avenger, and Death Race 2000, then keep well clear, but if bad/good is something you like, then by all means take the plunge and rent this flick immediately!

Sharktopus gets FOUR naughty tentacles, out of FIVE.


It is a great day for CANADA!

First off I have to apologize! If anyone would have axed me yesterday, even as late as 21:00 if I thought a Tory majority was going to happen I would have said NO it wouldn’t. My belief was we were in for the third Lame Duck, capitulating, taking-it-in-the-erse from the greedy, power-mad opposition parties, minority government we had to suffer with for the last five years or so. But like the Social Distortion song says: “I Was Wrong.” I had no faith in the Maritimes and Ontario, and even parts of B.C., but in the end I was as Gordon Ramsay would say “fucking gobsmacked.” The Liberal party was all but abandoned by Ontario, and the Maritimes leaving the “Natural Governing Party of Canada” with its biggest defeat in the history of its existence. For that I say thank you, as my faith in common sense has been renewed!

To spite all the CBC did with their Vote Compass to ensure everyone believed they were Liberals, Stephen Harper’s Tories finally got the mandate they deserved with a 167 seat majority in the House. Once again the Economy, Jobs, and the Military are safe from the destruction that would have been wrought had another Lame Duck minority Parliament been elected.

Thanks to everyone who voted, it truly is a GREAT DAY FOR FREEDOM, AND A GREAT DAY FOR CANADA! Once again the True North Strong and Free!

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