An X-mas Message

So I’m driving to the bank today, X-mas day, to deposit a cheque and as I’m zooming through the nearly empty streets a thought comes to mind. A thought that this will be probably very close to what life will be like when that “future global catastrophe,” whatever that may be, wipes out nearly 90% of the human population.

Who knows when the Religious nutters in the Middle East will finally have the weapons to utterly destroy us infidels in the Free World? Or even, Dog forbid, if crazy Al Gore (Emperor of the Moon) is right and we are in for a natural disaster the world hasn’t seen since the Biblical myth of the “Great Flood.”

Who knows? I suppose anything is possible in an infinite universe. I picture the world very much like it is today; strip malls, and parking lots deserted, very few cars on the road, an inordinate number of motorcyclists out on the dust caked streets, and no one out for a stroll.

Whatev. Just a couple of happy, random thoughts for everyone on this X-mas day, 2006.


The Bean Counters Have Spoken

So there it was, Thursday, four days to X-Mas and the roads are practically deserted going into work. Mine is the first car to every red light and it feels pretty good. Then I realize I’m going to work.

Work isn’t bad, it’s not difficult, nor is there any heavy lifting involved. It’s pretty laid back, and nobodies asked me to slay children like in a Cambodian Death Camp or something. At least not yet.

It’s just not me. When I took this job I blasted through the interview with a non-chalance and confidence that I look back on with envious eyes. Why was I so confident? Because I didn’t care. I still don’t. Unlike some, I AM NOT MY JOB. I am an artist, a writer, and when engaged in those pursuits time has no meaning and I am truly myself. Big as life, and twice as fat and ugly.

Those of you (the one or two out there) who know me, already know this. Those who don’t, well congratulations! Another piece of the puzzle that is Jaeger has fallen into place for you. Only 4,999 more to go.

Anyways, I was @ work and it was the afternoon, and there was a slowly dwindling 1.75L bottle of Crown Royal in the Work Booze Fridge’s freezer and I still couldn’t believe I was still there! Out of the forty-seven people employed by the company, there was at last count only fourteen remaining in the office. Fifteen if you include me.

So why was I still there when all our work was done, all that needed to be shipped was shipped, and at the time I was drinking a strong C.R. and diet out of my tall, stainless, Calgary Flames coffee cup? Because to spite the best efforts of the General Manger to allow us to end the week early, the Chief Bean Counter said “NO.”

Then ten minutes later she took off for home. “Sorry boys,” the G.M. told us, “the bean counters have spoken.” Oh, well. . . If upper management wants to pay us to sit around with no work to do and drink for the afternoon, who am I to argue


Prepare To Be Reviewed

The Outfit

XBOX 360

Relic Entertainment and

I got this game for free when I bought
Gears of War and decided to give it a go first because I figured it would be and easier game. Guess what? It is!

The premise is a simple one (aren’t they all?): you play as one of three American Specialist Soldiers in Nazi occupied France (we surrender!) during WWII. Kind of like “The A-Team” if there was a video game based on that. All three men are (of freaking course) the “best of the best” at what they do. It’s cheesy, but can be fun, in a simple sort of way.

The game play is easy and the graphics, especially the backgrounds, are quite nice, maybe not as “next gen” as they could be, but they still beat the hell out of Perfect Dark Zero, a game that to spite it’s obvious flaws, I still like a whole lot better than The Outfit.

There is some occasional lag during some of the more clusterfucky game play situations, but for the most part it plays fairly smooth-like. There are, however a shitload of collision problems, some resulting in AI enemies being able to shoot through solid walls to destroy you, and even one extreme case, of an AI enemy that walked through a big ass rock, shot my character dead, and at the same time was somehow impervious to being destroyed. I guess the AI thought I was just shooting the rock. . .

There are some fun elements to the game which include Squad command, where you can order you minions to attack installations for you, huck tear gas at “those Nazi bastards” and entrench themselves behind cover, but these commands are only available at certain times during game play, like whenever the AI randomly decides to let you.

My favourite feature has to be the Destruction On Demand, which is kind of like Video on Demand, except instead of ordering a movie on your digital cable box, you can parachute in men and equipment to your position, as well as raining down hellish death from above onto the heads of the Nazi enemy with an air strike.

All in all the game is all right, pretty much anything in the environment is destructible in some way, from trees to fences, civilian vehicles and churches, BUT I will say this: if I had not gotten this game as a free pack-in with G.O.W, I never would have looked twice at it, so interpret that as you will.

Two Screaming SS Officers out of Five


Friday Afternoon Fukitz

Went for lunch on Friday with the boss.

I learned long ago never to say “no thank you” when the boss axes you to come out because it inevitably means a free meal is on the menu.

Caught a ride with Luke in his super cool MAZDA 6 and we tore down MacLeod, passing everyone what gets in our way. The car corners like its on rails and goes real fast-like.

Soon we are at the pub. It’s a grubby little sports bar in the Carriage House Hotel called Peanuts. On every table are several little plastic dishes of peanuts, all salted in the shell and delicious-like.

Everyone is already @ the table when Luke, Johnny, and I arrive and we are immediately set upon by a middle aged waitress before we even have time to remove our coats. I bumble my way through ordering the “special” (steak sand, medium) and a Kilkenny. I’ve always been of the opinion that life is too short to drink crap beer, especially when the company is footin’ the bill.
The drinks arrived and fifteen minutes later the food comes. As my blunted, can’t-cut-for-toffee, dull-ass steak knife hacks and slashes through the grey/pink/grill marked hunk of shoe-leather that passes for meat at this place, I’m reminded of the thick, juicy slab of rare PrimeRib™ I had the night before @ Vki’s company X-mas party. “Now that was a fine piece of melt-in-your-mouth goodness” I’m thinking as the first piece of Special-of-the-Day steak sand disappears into my gob.

My day dreams of delicious PrimeRib™ shatter into a billion exploding, razor-sharp, shards of reality as I find myself chewing, and chewing, and chewing, and freaking chewing this gristly chunk of meat-like substance.


On the upside, the beer was creamy and delicious, and the chips were thick-cut and crispy good, and by the time we got back to the office, the day was more than half gone! Huzzah!

The moral of the story is:

Stir, whip!

Stir, whip!

Whip, whip, stir!






Forest Gump was right.

Life is like a box of chocolates, but for the most part we end up getting the yucky cream orange, or the gaggy coconut, or better yet, that unidentifiable, crazy, granite-hard, nut thing that makes your back teeth shatter like Joe Thiesman's knee.

Just something I was thinking about at work today...

Prepare To Be Reviewed

Miami Vice
Directed by Michael Mann

In the big screen adaptation, er sequel, er re-imagining of the 1980’s TV series, vice cops Crockett (Colin Farrell) and Tubbs (Jamie Foxx) find themselves recruited by the FBI to help bring down a huge international drug trafficker.

The flick dumps you into the action from scene one and characterization is minimal at best. I suppose Mann expects anyone seeing this flick is doing so because they are already fans of the TV series. The film has everything the TV show did; slick fashions, (come on, who didn’t know a guy in the eighties that dressed like that?) fast cars, fast boats, sex, and violence. It’s well shot, and to spite being over two hours long, the story moves at a pretty good clip.

Miami Vice was… okay I guess, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was watching a TV pilot with swear words. It’s a buddy cop flick. A slick looking buddy cop flick. So, if you like that sort of thing, you should rent it, if you don’t then rent Dead Man’s Chest or something.

Personally, this flick falls flat because it breaks Jaeger’s #1 rule in a film like this: If you are going to have a steamy sex scene, show me some boobies or DON’T WASTE MY TIME! Come on! Hot sex with Asian Hottie Gong Li and no boobie shot? I have to shake my head.

2 out of 5

Oh yeah, and the sheer awesomeness of Colin Farrell’s mullet made me not want to shave my head this weekend.

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