Things I Just Don't Understand

Part 1: Rap and Rappers

I had a conversation with a bud a while ago and the subject of music came up. My friend was just fucking jacked about a new record (that's "CD" for all you younglings) by a rapper by the name of 50 cent, or "fiddycent" as my bud pronounced it.

He went on and on about how the music was so cool, and fresh and nothing like the rap "you've heard before" so I checked out some videos on Much when they had a "special" all about "fiddycent" one Sunday afternoon.

I guess I just don't get it. The "music" was the same "bitches, ho's and bling" bullshit that seems to be popular with every rapper out there today.

I understand that most of the rappers were at one point in their lives poor, but are now stinking filthy rich, but why do they have to shove it in everyone's face?

Is that what it means when they say "we be keepin it real yo?"

Does keeping it real mean you drive a solid gold Hummer Limo with Diamond encrusted rims?

Does keeping it real mean paying dozens of ultra-hot hootchies to dance mostly naked beside your marble Olympic-sized swimming pool while you sit back smoking a Cuban?

Does keeping it real mean wearing so much solid gold diamond studded jewery that you can't even hold your head up?

Does keeping it real mean going on MTV's Cribs and showing off the solid gold refrigerator filled with Cristal in a kitchen that's bigger than most people's whole apartment?

I guess it does.

And that is something I just don't understand


Flood 2005

We had some rain on and off here in and around the Calgary area for the last two weeks so naturally there were floods.

Southern Alberta is really little more than a desert so any rain that lasts longer than a week causes havoc with the river system, and since there is no convenient ocean for all the water to drain into, it has to go somewhere.

A flood like this happens once every hundred years or so and causes the devastation you can see on the TV and in newspapers.

1500 people in the downtown communities of Mission, Elbow Park, Erlton, Rideau, Roxboro, Stanley Park, Victoria Park, and Riverdale were forced to evacuate their homes late last night as the city declared a State of Emergency.

Portions of Elbow Drive, MacLeod Trail were under water, as well as the Mission Bridge and the 25th Ave bridge. In Okotoks and High River, huge sections of the towns are under water. The dollar value of the damage to nearby homes and businesses has not been calculated yet but is surely to be in the high millions.

To all of those who volunteered their time and energy towards helping the victims of this natural disaster; THANK YOU.

I also have a little piece of advice for all you fucking yahoos from different parts of town that are getting in your cars and driving downtown just to take stupid pictures of the devastation: STAY THE FUCK HOME!

You vultures are what is wrong with human kind. If you are not here to volunteer to help those who need it, then get the fuck home and stay there!

If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem so stop being part of the fucking problem you insensitive, scumbag, tourist, fuckholes.

Have a Nice Day.


Good News Everyone!

Finally some good news from the hated Fox Network and Fox DVD!

Matt Groening and David X. Cohen were approched by Fox execs to do a series of direct to DVD FUTURAMA movies!

Apparently Fox was so impressed with DVD sales of the series that they decided (rightly) that FUTURAMA, the greatest TV series ever made, deserved to come back in some form or another.

Although not what some had hoped, a return to TV a-la Family Guy, it’s still better than nothing.

More news about this and all things FUTURAMA can be found at:




Fashion Hideousness

Since when did 'Gangster Chic' become synonymous with 'Laundry Day?' You've seen these jokers walking down the street in their grubby track suits, runners and scoop-necked wife-beaters, wearing gaudy gold, and diamond Jesus hangers.

Man, these guys look more like they should be in line for double soup Tuesday at the homeless shelter than the 'Made Men' that they are supposed to be.

To all of you badly dressed gangsters out there, I have two words: SILK SUIT!

If I see any more of you Goodfellas walking around in jogging clothing, I'm gonna start to believe that crime doesn't actually pay. And that would be a shame.

So remember, only one person in the universe looks good in Velour, and that's Zap Brannigan!

"It's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone's throwing up!"
-Philip J. Fry


The horror, the horror...

A week and a day having passed, I find I can finally speak (or write as the case may be) of the horrors of last week's Lilac Festival on 4th street. I have lived in Calgary's Mission/Cliff Bungalow community since 1998 and have been participating in the Lilac Fest in one way or another ever since then, whether it be as an observer, or a participant.

I was forced to move out of the community a year ago when filthy condo developers booted me out of my old flat, and since moving I have witnessed two festivals as a walk in observer. This year is my last, and here's why: TOO MANY FILTHY, HIDEOUS HUMANS.

This year between 12th ave and Elbow Drive where the festival runs, there were more than ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND PEOPLE crammed in not including vendors, more than the last two years combined. And I'm not just saying between noon and one, the regular peak hours for the fest, but from the time Vki and I got there around eleven, to the time we were able to fucking escape the hideous hordes around three in the afternoon. Constantly.

It took an hour to walk five blocks, and there were of course all the jokers with bicycles, and prams and GIANT HORSE-DOGS always in front of me, and always stopping to chat or watch some acrobat, or listen to some band, so that the fifty thousand people behind them have to stop and wait for them to get their asses in gear again and go because it is literally SHOULDER TO FUCKING SHOULDER PEOPLE with no room to move laterally! Madness I tells ya madness!

And I'm not even going to go into the constant screetching of little pink, smelly babies with diapers overflowing gooey baby feces, and children going all puke-a-tronic after eating semi-cooked street meats.

So, that's it for me, it's been fun, but I'm finished. Even the constant flashes of young boobie and belly won't bring me back next year.

"Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."
-Yogi Bera

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