Carb Wars

Six-plus years ago, my good friend Emu went down to the San Diego Comic-Con where she had the pleasure of meeting indie comic greats, Roman Dirge, and Jhonen Vasquez. She even ended up hanging out with them for drinks and partying like it was 1985. This is not what this MicroTale™ is about however.

This story is about doughnuts.

Yes, doughnuts.

For years up here in the Great White North, Tim Horton’s has reigned supreme in the world of doughnuts. I used to stop by one such shop every morning when I used to toil away at the Cosmodemonic Western Airbrake Corporation. No matter what time of the day the Tim Horton’s was freaking packed, with HUGE line-ups at both the counter and the drive-thru. My particular brand of “crack” was the special English Toffee flavored cappuccino beverages, and occasionally I would also buy doughnuts for my production girls.

One day some suit in Downtown Toronto (center of the Universe for those not in the know) decided to standardize the Tim Horton doughnut. As a result they got smaller, and were manufactured in Ontario, frozen and shipped out here to the various shops for re-heating. The point is they don’t taste as good anymore.

Anyway, Emu gets back from Comic-Con all those years ago with tale of a doughnut so sweet, so delicious, so succulent, that the very thought of other doughnuts filled her heart with distain. She was speaking, of course, of the mighty Krispy Kreme™.

Years passed.

Emu is gone now and my heart aches with how much I miss her. Then one day the Krispy Kreme™ Empire expanded to include Calgary and there was freaking Anarchy in the streets I tell you. People camped out for days in front of the shop just to be some of the first to experience the ecstasy that was the Krispy Kreme™ doughnut. For weeks the line-ups at these places dwarfed even the lines at Tim Horton’s. Myself, I never went, because I just didn’t care.

Fast forward to today!

Some guy at work brought in a box of Krispy Kreme™ fat pills and I decided to sample one. After one bite I realized that yes, it is sweet. So sweet, I think it gave me diabetes! Are they better than Tim Horton’s? Well they are bigger, and sweeter… I dunno I mean it’s a freaking doughnut for fook sakes!

I’ll never touch another doughnut again, but right now I sure got a hankerin’ for a Vente Mocha fukaccino! Anyone know of a coffee shop where I can get something like that?



Manganic said...


Hillarity combined with a touch of irony.

Lupin The Great said...

Meh... I tried them a while back since they're like McDonalds down here. It's fluffed sugar sold in circle form. I don't think I would call it a donut either. They're kind of sickening...

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