Chilled Monkey Brainz

Lond Ho Adventures

2011-09-05T07:46:00.006-06:00

Lager Quest Part 3

The elevator started up with a lurch and began its slow, grinding descent. Bill and Hunter were of the belief that the Lond Ho elevators were the slowest in the city, perhaps the country, and maybe even the pokiest lifts on the entire planet, and by extension, the galaxy. They were wrong of course, there were far slower elevators everywhere in the city, in hospitals, and old folks homes for instance. All things being equal in an infinite universe, there was even the possibility of entire planets covered with even slower lifts than the ones at Lond Ho. This however did not cross Bill or Hunter’s mind at the time, as they were concentrating quite intensely on the “here, and now” of their situation; they needed to get to ground floor, get out of the building, get some booze, and get pished.

The elevator car was lined with grimy mirrors and cheesy fake wood panelling that betrayed its age. Hunter didn’t think the lifts had been updated, or even serviced, since the building was put up. Of course they had been serviced, the Otis people were at the building just last week, and if Hunter had bothered to access his medium term memory he would have recalled being annoyed that only the service lift was available for a period of two days the week before, forcing him to wait nearly a whole minute for the elevator to arrive one morning. And as Hunter quite often said, “I haven’t got all-minute!”

Hunter turned to Bill, “The so-called CEO of the Cosmodemonic Security Company showed up at the site today.”

“CEO eh? Fancy!”

“’Fancy’ yeah, right. Being the CEO of Dumfeld Security is like being the World’s Tallest Midget.” Hunter grumbled.

Bill nodded, “That’s certainly an interesting way of putting it. By they way, the preferred term these days is ‘little person.’”

Hunter sneered. He loathed political correctness and the mealy-mouthed left-wing socialist media that invented it, and continued to cram it down the throats of the citizenry of North America. The lift jerked to a quick halt at the 11th floor and a man, a couple of years older than Bill and Hunter stepped in. He redundantly pressed the “L” for lobby, even though it was clearly lit up. This annoyed Bill, who shook his head in disgust thinking, “Did this guy need to do that? Did he not see the button was already lit, or is he in such an oblivious, zombified state that he just did it from habit?”

Bill continued, “So what did the so-called CEO want?”

Hunter absent-mindedly fingered the three “gold” studs in his left ear as the elevator continued downward, “He told me to take out my earrings and cut my hair.”

“Cut your hair?”

“Cut my hair.”

Bill crossed his arms over his barrel of a chest, knowing what the answer would be before even asking, “What did you say to that?”

“I told him they didn’t pay me anywhere near enough to make such demands on my personal appearance.”

Bill grinned at Hunter’s answer just as the lift stuttered to a halt on the 7th floor where a girl, about the same age as Bill and Hunter got on. She looked at the panel, saw the illuminated “L” then pressed the CLOSE button. A few seconds went by and the doors finally slid shut. Hunter had a theory that the CLOSE button wasn’t attached to anything. He came to this conclusion a week after they had moved in to Lond Ho when he noticed the button never lit up when it was pressed, and the doors had always seemed to close when they wanted to, and not because of any arbitrary button pressing that may or may not go on.

“So what did your boss say to that?” Bill wanted to know.

“He gave me a raise.”

“You are fucking kidding me!”

The guy that entered on the 11th floor looked back at Bill, or rather up and back at Bill who was a good six inches taller, a good fifty pounds heavier. The guy gave Bill the stink eye, apparently offended by his foul language and muttered almost under his breath, “Come on man, a lady is present.”

Bill looked right back at him, “What?”

The guy said nothing and just turned back around shaking his head.

Bill continued, “Oh, you were finished? Well allow me to retort! Private Con-Ver-Sa-Tion!”

The guy was silent. Suddenly he wasn’t in the mood to mouth off anymore.

Bill turned back to Hunter, “You were saying?”

“Yeah, no apparently it was ‘in the works’ he said for a while and he was just there to let me know in person to expect to see it on the next cheque.”

The lift lurched to another halt this time on the 2nd floor, or +15 level as it was called. A Mexican looking guy got on and pressed the already lit up “L” button. Now Bill was completely beyond his regular level of annoyance and hitting all-new previously unprecedented levels of anger. To him it was one thing to take the lift from the upper floors, but quite another thing entirely to get on ONE FLOOR ABOVE THE FUCKING LOBBY! Didn’t this guy understand that he took more time WAITING for the lift car to arrive than it would have taken him to walk DOWN a single flight of stairs? He slapped himself about the forehead and audibly sighed.

“Anyway, so are you gonna cut your hair now, or what?”

Hunter shook his head, “Ah, fuck no. But I figger I’ll meet him half way and take out the studs while I’m at work. If I remember of course.”

The lift stopped, and the doors parted at last they had arrived at the lobby. Everyone waited the extra two or three seconds before exiting, as the elevator cars at Lond Ho never seemed to stop level with the floor on the first attempt and always needed those extra seconds to level out. The three people in front of Bill and Hunter stepped out on to the faux marble floor and quickly headed for the glass air-lock that was London House’s front entrance/exit. The street was close now, and by extension the boys’ quest for potent potables was nearly within reach.

Bill looked at Hunter half grinning, “Take out your earrings eh? You are such a fucking sell-out.”

Hunter nodded, “Yeah, well everybody sells out eventually, the successful rich ones anyway… but who cares about that right now? I’m starving, lets get some beers!”

“Smartest thing you’ve said all night,” Bill said as they stepped towards the glass air-lock.

What could be lurking just outside the entrance, and what could it mean for Bill and Hunter’s Lager Quest? Tune in next time for Part 4!!

DVBlusday

2011-08-29T12:55:00.003-06:00

Another Brutally Honest Flick Review By The Jaeger

Sucker Punch
Directed By Zack Snyder

A teenage girl is locked away in a mental asylum by her abusive stepfather where she is scheduled to be lobotomized. Seconds before her “treatment,” she retreats to a fantastical world in her imagination where she and four other female inmates plot to escape the facility. The lines between reality and fantasy blur as Baby Doll and her four companions, as well their guide, fight through a series of fetch quests to retrieve the items they need that will allow them to break free from their captors before its too late...

Many reviewers all over the interwebs have tried to use this flick as some kind of so-called “proof” that Zack Snyder is some kind of misogynist that doesn’t understand or care for women. To these people I say you missed the point of Sucker Punch even more than Michael Bay missed the point when he made Pearl Harbor. The flick is about an imaginative girl’s escape from a cruel and nasty world, filled with horror and betrayal by the very people who should be taking care of her. A world not unlike our own, when sometimes the bad guys win. She escapes into the only place she can; her imagination, the only place where she can control the world around her, and ultimately her destiny to become the hero she couldn’t be in the real world, all within the few moments of lucidity she has remaining before being lobotomized. The film is NOT about “rape” or “hatred of women” as some other reviewers have stated, and I invite them to pull their politically correct heads out of their asses and grow the hell up before making such inflammatory and downright ridiculous statements.

The action sequences absurd in their awesomeness and remain some of the strongest, visually arresting, and impressive scenes in any film from the last ten years and are without a doubt the highlight of the film. But therein lies the problem, after the first fantastic sequence with the Giant Samurai, I found myself uninterested in the scenes in between, as nothing else in the film is anywhere near as interesting as “fantasy within a fantasy” action scenes! Not that it’s a bad film, its just a little scattered and uneven, seemingly unaware of what kind of flick it wants to be; a kick ass girl power flick, or a commentary on the horrors of 1960’s institutional cruelty and the loss of "the self." I'm not saying it can't be both, but it can be a bit disconcerting when a movie is marketed so heavily as one thing, and the product on screen turns out to be something very different indeed.

The biggest problem with the film lies in its wholly unsatisfying and unnecessary first layer of fantasy that turns the asylum into some kind of absurdist, surrealistic cabaret theater/ brothel. I understand what director Zack Snyder was trying to do, in that these scenes are supposed to be a bridging point between the real world, and the second layer of fantasy represented by the action sequences, but ultimately it just doesn’t work and feels on the whole superfluous. If I was directing the flick I would have eliminated the first fantasy world altogether in favor of an extended real world sequence in which the character beats are longer, eventually transitioning into the fantasy action sequences one after another, then back to the real world for the big finale.

The blu-ray, on top of a fantastic looking MPEG-4 AVC transfer in 1080p and a downright outstanding DTS-MA 5.1 surround track, contains yet another fantastic Maximum Movie Mode hosted by Director Zack Snyder that takes a deep and satisfying look into the making of the film. This for me is the highlight of the blu-ray and I recommend watching it even if you didn’t enjoy the flick upon first viewing.

All in all Sucker Punch is a great concept clumsily executed, and for that reason can only get THREE Giant Samurai out of FIVE.

Politically (In)Correct

2011-08-26T12:53:00.002-06:00

Yes, that’s right Chilled Monkey Brainz is BACK from Summer Hiatus and ready to kick its two readers in the nads with more Flick, Blu, and Game Reviews, and all the Politically Incorrect ranting you’ve come to know and hate!

Friends, Marxists, Countrymen, lend me your ears. I’ve come to bury Jack Layton, not to praise him.

First and foremost let me say to all of Mr. Layton family and close friends, I’m sorry for your loss. Jack’s death certainly shocked me, and I am neither a friend nor relative, I never liked his politics, but I could certainly appreciate the cult of personality that followed him around during his long career as a politician.

Jack Layton was born in 1950 to a life of wealth and privilege in an affluent Montreal neighborhood, the son of a Progressive Conservative Cabinet Minister. From a young age he showed a distinct aversion to work, remaining a student well into his early adulthood, before taking a teaching job at Ryerson University.

When teaching at a University level proved to be a lot more work for a lot less money than Jack had anticipated, he sought out a life in politics getting elected to the Toronto City Council in 1982, thus beginning what would become a long career as what I like to call a taker.

He certainly knew how to work the system, and milked it and Canadian Taxpayers for all they were worth beginning in 1990 when he lived with his second wife in subsidized housing paying a mere $800 a month for a luxurious three bedroom apartment while hauling in a combined income of over $120,000 a year.

After losing mayoral election in Toronto in 1991, he returned to his first love; academia before running for and winning the leadership of Canada’s National Socialist Party in 2003. He refused to run in a by-election to legitimize the FAT cheque he was taking from the taxpayers, but certainly got his face out on the CBC, which took an immediate liking to the charismatic, career politician. In the 2004 federal election, Layton ran in his home riding of Toronto-Danforth against Liberal Dennis Mills. His safe bet to win a seat paid off, and he easily defeated the Liberal incumbent.

On March 21, 2011 Layton helped defeat the Government, going against his word and voting for, instead of against a motion of no-confidence in the House of Parliament, helping to stab Canadians in the back and forcing yet another un-wanted election. During the campaign Layton proved to be no friend of Alberta, and by extension no friend of Canada when he told Quebecers if elected he would “shut down the oil industry” in Canada, and “raise taxes on the rich” to pay for the massive social programs outlined in the NDP’s “orange book.” The gamble in Quebec paid off on the May 2, 2011 election, as Layton led the NDP to 103 seats, enough to make the NDP the Official Opposition in the House of Commons for the first time ever, and completely obliterating the Separatist Bloc-Quebequois in the process. So it wasn’t all bad.

On July 25, 2011 Jack Layton announced he was stepping down from the post of leader of He Majesty’s Loyal Opposition to fight an unspecified, newly diagnosed cancer, hoping to return as leader of the NDP upon the resumption of the House of Commons on September 19, 2011. Layton then parachuted NDP caucus chair Nycole Turmel into the position of interim leader during his leave of absence.

Within days of his death on August 22, 2011 Prime Minister Stephen Harper made the unprecedented and wholly bizarre decision to give Layton a state funeral, an honor that had been previously reserved only for former Prime Ministers, Governor Generals, and cabinet ministers who die while in office. Even in death Jack Layton continues to pick the pockets of the people of Canada.

Which brings me back to my original point: Jack Layton was a taker, because in the end all politicians are takers. They pick our pockets and give nothing back to society, culturally, or artistically from the second they get into power, until the time we kick them out. And before you start whining about “oh, but politicians are Public Servants, the work for us!” First, the vast majority of politicians haven’t done a day of real work in their lives, and second, maybe sixty or a hundred years ago politicians served those that voted them into power, but not anymore. In the real world of the twenty-first century the only reason anyone seeks election at any level of government, be it municipal, provincial, or federal in so they can get the chance to take, with impunity, every cent they can from the pockets of the Canadian taxpayer until such a time when they are caught and kicked out of office. If you believe any different, you should remove those rose coloured spectacles from your face and wake the fuck up.

Politicians view the taxpayers of Canada as nothing more than an open wallet that exists for no other reason than to provide them with money, position, power, fat expense accounts, and ultimately (if they are able to stick around for at least one term) a million dollar golden parachute in the form of a huge unrealistic pension. A massive liability, by the way, that the Canadian taxpayers can no longer afford to keep shelling out for.

Unless of course we are all fine with ending up like the Socialist Nations of Greece, Spain, Italy, and Portugal…

A Special Pirate Tharrsday Edition of DVBlusday!

2011-06-02T12:12:00.004-06:00

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Directed by Rob Marshal

“It’s a Pirate’s life for me. Savvy?”

Johnny Depp is back as the irrepressible Captain Jack Sparrow, returning for more booty, rum, and strange adventure in this fourth installment in the billion dollar franchise, although for a film with “Pirates of the Caribbean” in the title, maybe they could have spent a little more time in the Caribbean.

The story is loosely based on the wholly unremarkable novel, On Stranger Tides by Tim Powers, and finds Captain Jack meeting up with an ex-hoochie named Angelica, (Penelope Cruz) the daughter of the Pirate All Pirates Fear, the legendary Blackbeard himself (played with awesome scene-chewery, by Ian McShane). Soon Captain Jack finds himself once again in search of the Fountain of Youth (remember the last scenes in At World’s End? Well apparently the first search didn’t go so well as a short throwaway line attests), with the help of First Mate Gibbs (Kevin McNally), and returning fan-favorite Hector Barbossa, complete with rum-filled peg leg (played once again by the brilliant Geoffrey Rush).

A tighter story this time around, as well as fewer peripheral characters taking focus away from the mains does the flick good, however Jack’s ship the Black Pearl, a character unto itself, is conspicuous by its absence and only makes a “tiny” cameo as a ship in a bottle… who knows maybe she’ll be back in all her glory in the next flick. There seems top be a lot less sea-faring adventure in this flick than in previous ones, as the characters spend most of the film on dry land!

Be that as it may the flick is still a fun Piratical romp, Johnny Depp still rules the Pirate world with his portrayal of Captain Jack, the action is wonderfully over the top, and even Hans Zimmer’s overly loud and massively bombastic score, and Rob Marshal's mediocre directing didn’t manage to annoy me too much. I dug the flick and laugh in the faces of other “mainstream” reviewers like Ebert, who hated Dead Man’s Chest and At World’s End claiming the stories were “too complex” for his popcorn-butter addled mind, but then bashes On Stranger Tides for not being complex enough! Ah well, all it proves is that you can’t please everyone, and admittedly this film isn’t for everyone anyway, but if you dig Pirates in general, and the misadventures of Captain Jack Sparrow in particular, then I absolutely recommend this flick.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides gets FOUR rum-soaked hearties out of FIVE.

Lond Ho Adventures

2011-05-25T12:24:00.004-06:00

Lager Quest Part 2

Hunter pulled the door closed and locked the deadbolt with the key he kept on a leather cord around his neck. Bill visibly winced at the sound made by the door, knowing that even the slightest noise coming from their end of the hall would draw the attention of Doris; the divorced, forty-something, building manager who lived in the flat opposite the lifts, the flat right next to theirs.

Bill looked down the hallway, the carpet that would have been psychedelic and cool if the colours were anything other than brown and beige stretched out before him. The elevator call button was between the two lifts, about fifteen steps away. They could make it, he thought, if they were very, very stealthy…

Twelve steps in, and Doris appeared in her doorway, the ever-present SuperCan™ of Molson Canadian in one hand, a More Menthol 120 at her lips, and “Mississippi Queen” belting out from a stereo somewhere inside the dark, smoky flat.

“Evening boys, how’s it going?”

Bill’s finger hovered over the ancient, concave glass style elevator call button, noticing for perhaps the first time the greasy finger-prints on and all around it. He wondered briefly how many hundreds, if not thousands of filthy fingers had pressed the button since the seventies when London House was erected. He decided he didn’t want to know. There was a decision to be made here and he had to be the one to make it. Hunter smirked bemusedly at his friend and seemed to read his mind. Hunter was going to blow it for them by starting up a conversation with her, Bill just knew it. The conversation would lead, possibly, to them going into Doris’s place for a beer, and perhaps a joint, and by the end of the night Bill would have to “take care of business” as it were. There would be “free” beers, but at what price? No, he decided, not tonight, not on his watch. Bill’s finger stabbed at the call button five more times than was necessary, the downward facing triangle lit up orange and the lift was on its way.

Hunter however had other plans. He wanted to see Bill squirm, bastard that he was. Hunter spun on his heel.

“Oh, hey Doris? What’re you up to tonight?”

“You know, just hanging out, drinking a beer, listening to some tunes,” she craned her head so she could see Bill, “Hows it hangin’ Billy?”

Bill winced. He hated it when she tried to sound younger than she was, almost as much as he hated being called “Billy.” His finger stabbed away at the elevator call button three more times before turning around.

“Evening Doris.”

Doris took a swig of beer, “So you boys are on your way out somewhere?”

Hunter piped up, determined to prolong Bill’s agony, “Yeah we need to go pick up some beers.”

“Well, why didn’t you say so?” Doris looked at Bill, “I’ve got plenty of beer. You guys should come in and join me for a couple-three!”

“Oh, thanks Doris but we were actually headed down to the Unicorn to meet a buddy so-“

Hunter cut him off, “We are?”

“Yes we are. You not listening back there?” Bill jerked a thumb back towards the door of #1401.

“Oh, yeah…” Hunter shrugged, “You know my hearing is a little off in the one ear.”

Bill grumbled, saying every word like it was its own sentence, “So. It. Would. Seem.”

Hunter turned to Doris, “Sorry love, I guess we’ll have to take a rain-check.”

The elevator chimed its arrival.

“No problem Joe, you know you two are welcome anytime!” Doris smiled.

The elevator doors slid open, and Bill was inside before they had fully parted, dragging Hunter in behind him by the arm. The lift doors slid shut and Bill glanced annoyed at the elevator floor panel, Superstitious nonsense! Just because they don’t call it the thirteenth floor doesn’t mean it isn’t, he thought as he pushed the L button to take them down to the Lobby.

Will Bill and Hunter make it out of Lond Ho ALIVE? Tune in next time for part 3!

DVBLUSDAY

2011-05-17T12:29:00.002-06:00

Tangled
Directed by Nathan Greno, and Byron Howard

Disney has gone back to their 1980’s formula of “musical theater” for their animated features beginning with 2009’s wonderful, and imaginative The Princess and the Frog. That musical storytelling tradition is continued with their latest feature, the thoroughly mediocre “animated classic,” Tangled.

This is Disney’s 50th animated feature so one would have expected a spectacular feature to celebrate that milestone. Instead, what we get is a run-of-the-mill re-imagining of Grimm’s tale of Rapunzel that while it has it’s decent moments, never rises to the level of the original source material, or even previous Disney animated efforts. The flick falls flat through uninspired songs, and completely lackluster vocal performances by Mandy Moore, and Zach Levi who play Rapunzel and Eugene respectively.

The look of the flick is quite stunning however, from the background design, to the animation mechanics behind Rapunzel’s trademark long, blonde hair. The flick’s MPEG-4 AVC encoded 1080p presentation is also quite good, but I would expect no less from Disney Home Video these days, and the DTS-HD MA 7.1 soundtrack is fabulous, giving all home theater audio channels the workout they deserve. The supplemental package is especially disappointing with its conspicuous lack of director’s commentary, or anything of real value. This is especially annoying considering what we have seen from Disney’s other animated Blu-ray releases.

Unfortunately the awesome audio and video presentation does not make up for an average story that falls flat on almost every level, especially the ending.

Based on it’s weak story, and a distinct lack of substantive extras, I can only give Disney’s Tangled TWO wacky hair gags out of FIVE.

Lond Ho Adventures

2011-05-16T18:33:00.002-06:00

Lager Quest part 1

Bill was contributing to his ass-print on the huge chesterfield as he sat glued to CNN for the third straight hour as it showed over and over again the latest images from the burning of the Branch Davidian compound. Normally, a little over an hour a day was all the CNN he could manage as his roommate, Hunter, was an avid TV and movie watcher. Avid meaning the fucker watched anything and everything, on his TV and Betamax, whenever he wanted to, no matter the quality. Bill, on the other hand was a self-proclaimed news junkie. He read both local newspapers daily, listened to the all news radio station on a tiny, pocket sized radio while working, and watched CNN every moment he could. Bill had often told Hunter that read and watched the news all the time because he needed to know what was happening on the planet he lived on, even if Hunter chose to go through life oblivious to everything around him.

A commercial break gave Bill the opportunity to get up and hit the fridge for a beer. The last beer. The beer Hunter had slipped into the back of the crisper so he would have something to drink when he got home from work. Bill chuckled, and then snatched it, effectively removing the last edible item from the fridge. He sat back down and popped the top just as images David Koresh’s burning compound once again came upon the TV screen. He took a long draught from the tinnie of Black Label, it was awful, but it was cheap, and money wasn’t exactly falling from the sky like manna from the heavens these days.

The lock clicked, and popped, followed by the dead bolt, the door flew open and Hunter stumbled in. He threw his rucksack on the tan, leather chair and walked straight to the fridge.

Bill took another swig of lager, and smiled an evil smile, knowing what was coming. He pulled his hoodie hood over his head.

“FUCK!”

Hunter stared at the empty crisper drawer and slammed it shut in disgust. He glanced around the empty fridge to make sure there wasn’t another beer hidden somewhere, perhaps in the butter saver… alas the only thing left in the fridge was an empty jar of mustard, and several packets of McDonald’s ketchup strewn about on top of the egg holder.

Hunter stepped into the living room and spotted Bill sitting on the chesterfield with the tinnie of lager placed precariously on the armrest. Hunter looked at Bill, then down at the can of beer, then back at Bill.

Bill stroked the top of the can, “You want this don’t you?” He said in his best Emperor Palpatine impersonation.

Hunter just stared at him, anger welling in his soul at having no beer with which to slake his thirst after a long, hard day toiling for the Cosmodemonic Security Corporation.

Bill looked up into Hunter’s eyes, and continued, “Take it, drink it down with all of your anger, and your journey to the Drunk Side will have begun!”

Hunter looked down at the can, and then back at Bill, he reached for the can as if trying to will it into his hand with the Force.

“Or,” Bill said, “as I was just paid today, we could just go down to the Booze-a-Rama and pick up more.”

Hunter smiled and nodded as Bill stood up, throwing on a jacket. The boys stepped out the door of apartment 1401, their quest for more lager underway.

Will Bill and Hunter find the beer they’re looking for and precede toward drunkenness? Tune in next week for part 2!!!

CMBZ Follower Contest

2011-05-15T09:39:00.003-06:00

And now for a special announcement!

The drive to ten thousand begins today, and only YOU can help! Become a Chilled Monkey Brainz Follower, and help this blog reach ten thousand followers this year!

Tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell people you may only consider aquaintances!

What is in it for you, you might well ask? Every follower will have his, or her name entered into a draw for a FANTASTIC PRIZE to be awarded when the follow meter reaches 10,000!

Thank you for all your support, both past and future, and good luck to us all!

For Relaxing Times...

2011-05-15T09:36:00.002-06:00

Shefield & Son’s Toro

A new review feature debuts today on CMBZ; cigar reviews! Today we’re reviewing Shefield & Son’s “Store Brand” Toro sized, (50 ring gauge, by six inches long) Nicaraguan cigar.

First lets say that being a cigar enthusiast in Canada is a bit of a pain in the ass due to the insanely excessive prices of single sticks. In this country, the average tax on a single cigar is MANY, MANY times the price of the product. A good example of this is the Macanudo Maduro Hampton Courts I got in from the USA recently, and paid only $7 a stick for, are selling for $30 a stick plus tax at the local tobacconinsts here in Red Mile City. Just something to keep in mind, when I use the term “value” and “affordable,” these terms mean VERY different things up here than they do in the USA. At under $9 a stick, this mild to medium cigar still isn’t affordable enough to be a daily smoke, but it is still a decent price for this country.

The Shefield & Son’s Toro cigar is a well-constructed, mild to medium bodied smoke that had an even pre-draw, and greeted me with some pleasant earthy, grassy tones upon lighting. The cigar held it’s light, flaky ash for a good inch, and the richness of the soil the Nicaraguan tobacco was grown in came through with the light, almost white colour of the ash. It burned evenly and had more than a satisfactory draw from start to finish. About a third of the way in, some vanilla notes made an appearance, and halfway through I detected some sweet, caramel flavours, the cigar surprised me at it’s final third with a brightness that bordered on “mintyness” that although brief, was certainly welcome.

The Shefield & Son’s Toro is overall a decent, relaxingly pleasant smoke with a surprising variety of light flavours at a reasonable (for Canada) price.

3.5 out of 5.

DVBLUSDAY

2011-05-03T12:07:00.005-06:00

Another Brutally Honest Flick Review By The Jaeger

Sharktopus
Directed by Declan O’Brien

“Not like this! Not like this!”

In film and writing there are the good, like The Empire Strikes Back, and Tropic of Cancer, the bad, like Avatar, and EVERY book based on a woman “writer’s” crap blog. There is also a third category I like to call BAD/GOOD, or something so BAD it’s GOOD, like Plan 9 From Outer Space, and The Eye of Argon. Sharktopus belongs in this third category.

Eric Roberts (Academy Award Nominee Best Supporting Actor, 1985 Runaway Train) plays Dr. Nathan Sands, the Doctor Frankenstein-esque scientist and creator of the Top Secret S-11, AKA: Sharktopus, a biological weapon created for the US Navy, and designed to infiltrate enemy waters without detection, and carry out whatever missions the Navy sees fit to program it with. But of course as with all these types of experiments, there is an “unforeseen” accident that damages S-11’s control device, the creature frees itself and of course, goes on a rampage. Cheeze-filled awesomeness ensues.

Goofy, wicked, NEVER SCARY, and always played with tongue planted FIRMLY in cheek, this SyFy Channel “Movie of the Week” Produced by Roger Corman for all its goofiness manages never to look “cheap” like most TV movies. Clearly the Sharktopus itself is a wonderfully fake-looking CGI monster, but it is certainly apparent they spent some money on it, more than they did on actors for instance.

The video is a fairly mediocre 1080p MPEG 4 AVC transfer which fluctuates from sharp to soft more times than you can count, but the audio is a solid Dolby Digital True HD 5.1 track that does it's job quite well.

The flick knows its audience, geeky fan-boys who can laugh at themselves, and plays to that audience. Sure the performances are poor, (Liv Boughn) even BRUTALLY BAD at times (Julian Gonzalez), and the Visual Effects are, to borrow a phrase from me old mate McBain, “the O-Pitome of Cheese,” but all in all it is a heap of fun and entirely watchable. A word of warning however, if you don’t understand, or enjoy bad/good stuff like Plan 9, The Toxic Avenger, and Death Race 2000, then keep well clear, but if bad/good is something you like, then by all means take the plunge and rent this flick immediately!

Sharktopus gets FOUR naughty tentacles, out of FIVE.

A GREAT DAY FOR CANADA!

2011-05-03T07:53:00.004-06:00

It is a great day for CANADA!

First off I have to apologize! If anyone would have axed me yesterday, even as late as 21:00 if I thought a Tory majority was going to happen I would have said NO it wouldn’t. My belief was we were in for the third Lame Duck, capitulating, taking-it-in-the-erse from the greedy, power-mad opposition parties, minority government we had to suffer with for the last five years or so. But like the Social Distortion song says: “I Was Wrong.” I had no faith in the Maritimes and Ontario, and even parts of B.C., but in the end I was as Gordon Ramsay would say “fucking gobsmacked.” The Liberal party was all but abandoned by Ontario, and the Maritimes leaving the “Natural Governing Party of Canada” with its biggest defeat in the history of its existence. For that I say thank you, as my faith in common sense has been renewed!

To spite all the CBC did with their Vote Compass to ensure everyone believed they were Liberals, Stephen Harper’s Tories finally got the mandate they deserved with a 167 seat majority in the House. Once again the Economy, Jobs, and the Military are safe from the destruction that would have been wrought had another Lame Duck minority Parliament been elected.

Thanks to everyone who voted, it truly is a GREAT DAY FOR FREEDOM, AND A GREAT DAY FOR CANADA! Once again the True North Strong and Free!

DVBLUSDAY

2011-04-19T17:26:00.004-06:00

Another Brutally Honest Flick Review By The Jaeger

FUTURAMA Vol. 5

Back By Popular Harassment!

Futurama Vol. 5 on blu-ray is a good, not great collection of thirteen episodes from the newly un-cancelled series, first broadcast on Comedy Central in USAmerica. Highlights include “The Late Philip J. Fry” where the Professor invents a one-way time machine that transports Fry, bender and himself farther into the future than anyone has ever travelled with no hope of ever returning to the past, and “Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences” that has alien leader Lrrr facing a mid-life crisis after yet another bungled invasion of Earth.

There are certainly no Emmy Award winning episodes in Futurama Vol. 5, such as season four’s “Jurassic Bark,” among the bunch and therein lies the problem. Matt Groening, and David X. Cohen presumably KNEW the show was coming back for over a year, and this was the best they could come up with? One would think that with the extra prep time involved, as well as the hacking down of the season to a mere thirteen episodes we would have been given something freaking spectacular! Alas, what we end up with is more or less just okay. It certainly doesn’t suck, far from it, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering if this was the best they could do, then why bother to come back at all?

The PQ and AQ on the other hand are simply awesome. The 1080p AVC encoded transfer is gorgeous making the animation freaking POP like never before, and the 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio does its job well and doesn’t disappoint.

The collection of extras on the two-disc set isn’t nearly as sizeable as one would hope after such a long hiatus, but is decent enough. The highlights being the thirteen full-length audio commentaries, and the original video comic book “The Adventures of Delivery-Boy Man” scribbled and performed by Philip J. Fry.

In the final analysis, Futurama Vol. 5 is a welcome blu-ray release that includes a beautiful 1080p transfer and exceptional sound even if it is a bit lacking in the extras department, and the flimsy-ass cardboard packaging sucks donkey balls.

Futurama Vol. 5 gets Three cigar chomping Benders out of Five.

Prepare to be Reviewed

2011-04-09T19:24:00.003-06:00

Another Brutally Honest Flick Review By The Jaeger.

SKYLINE

Directed by The Brothers Strause

“I hate L.A.”

Yes, yes, yes, so do I, so does everybody, in fact nearly everyone I know hates L.A. even people who live there. So if you thought seeing it destroyed would give great satisfaction, you would be wrong.

A simple birthday weekend for a rich yuppie and his friends goes horribly wrong as sunrise comes two hours early in the form of a fleet of alien invaders using pretty blue lights to entice humankind to their doom! As the alien ships descend on Los Angeles, sucking people into their ships as they go, the rich yuppies must use all the survival instincts they have to elude the aliens and survive the apocalypse.

What happens when a couple of visual effects artists who are completely clueless about tone, pacing, dialog, and story decide to make a low budget sci-fi flick? Well you get Skyline of course! A flick where the characters are so flat, so one dimensional, so utterly boring and without personality that seconds in to the flick I found myself desperately yearning for their demise. It’s a shame really because the visual effects, and the alien design elements are really quite striking, but as I have said MANY times before, visual effects do not a great picture make.

Thank dog it only stole 92 minutes of my time. I suppose I should have listened to those alarm bells that went off in my head when the quote on the back of the blu-ray case read: “From the visual effects masterminds behind Avatar, Iron Man 2, and 300!” Lucky for me I borrowed this flick from a friend, as I would never be able to forgive myself if I bought it sight unseen.

The Alliance blu-ray presentation of Skyline is a fairly decent 1080p MPEG 4 AVC encode with strong colours, and skin-tones, but black levels don’t fare as well however coming through rather soft and muted most times. The audio is an ass kicking 5.1 DTS HD MA presentation that will quite possibly blow your roof off if turned up too loud, it’s not perfect, but it gets the job done.

Extra features include a director’s commentary, deleted and extended scenes, pre-visualisations with optional commentary, and two trailers with optional commentaries.

For all the positives of the visual effects, and the decent High Def video and audio presentation, Skyline still warrants nothing more than a 1 out of 5. Rent at own risk, you have been warned.

Michelle Obama: Arrogant Liberal

2011-02-09T15:58:00.001-07:00

So this week Michelle Obama arrogantly demanded to know where HER Royal Wedding invitation was. The question I have to axe is why the hell should she, of all people be invited? Is she a member of the British Royal Family, or a long lost relative of the Middletons? Oh, yeah the answer is NO. Is the USA part of the Greater British Empire? Again, and bear in mind that I am no expert here, but I believe the answer is NO. Is she a politician or statesman? NO.

The truth is she is nothing but an arrogant, socialist with an entitlement complex. For some reason she doesn’t seem to realize that just because she is Barry Obama’s wife that doesn’t mean that everybody in the world should bow down to her every whim, and give her everything she demands for free.

Grow up Michelle, not everything is about you.

Prepare to be Reviewed

2010-08-01T13:01:00.004-06:00

Another Brutally Honest Flick Review By The Jaeger

Clash of the Titans
Directed by Louis Leterrier

Oh Hollywood, are there really no more original ideas out there at all? For those unfamiliar with the story, Sam Worthington (Terminator Salvation) plays Perseus, the bastard son of Zeus (played with tremendous scene-chewery by Liam Neeson) on a quest to avenge the death of his adopted family at the hands of Hades (Ralph Fiennes, Vodemorting it up big time).

Not so much a remake, as perhaps a re-imagining of the 1981 Desmond Davis flick of the same name, the 2010 version takes massive liberties with the original work, sometimes for the sake of 21st century storytelling conventions, and others seemingly just so we get to see more CGI monsters on screen.

Look, I’m not one of those choad fanboys who is going to claim that Ray Harryhausen’s stop motion monsters in the original are superior to the CG creatures of the new flick, but there was certainly something charming about that particular form of visual effect that we have lost in this modern world of CGI fakery. But enough about the FX, they are pretty damn good, especially the Kraken, and Medusa if for no other reason than their sheer menace on screen. Medusa the Gorgon’s moves seem more intelligent, nastier, and more vicious as she deals with Perseus and his choads, whereas in the original flick it seemed like anyone with more that half a brain could run circles around her.

There are some decent performances throughout, although Sam Worthington seems a bit out of his element when sharing the screen with Liam Neeson, but then who wouldn’t? Some of the characters seem to be just thrown in to pad out the flick, Gemma Arterton (Quantum of Solace) as Io immediately springs to mind as a character that was thrown in just so Perseus could have some kind of love interest, as well as the two dudes with axes that show up, leave, then show up at the end just in time to save the hero for seemingly no other reason than as a convenience for the writers.

The PQ and AQ are decent but certainly not perfect, the audio will certainly give your Home Theater a workout, but it seemed like it was recorded at a slightly lower level than most other blu-ray flicks in the last couple of years...

Don’t get me wrong, the flick isn’t terrible, it just isn’t very good and it leaves me wondering if some studio head was looking through properties, found Clash of the Titans, and thought: we should re-do this flick, but with CG! To which I reply: just because we can do something, doesn’t mean we should. Three screaming Gorgon Heads out of Five.

Follow The Jaeger on twitter: @TheRealLondHo

blu-ray cover image stolen from Blu-ray.com

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2010-04-25T11:52:00.003-06:00

Another brutally honest flick review by The Jaeger

AVATAR
Directed by James Cameron

James Cameron’s overly hyped, extreme left wing, ultra green, anti-military movie hit on DVD and Blu-ray on Earth Day and I’m sure it will sell millions of copies. For those who don’t know, the story takes place in 2154 when a USAmerican expedition is sent to the planet Pandora to secure a mineral that is needed on Earth. Since the atmosphere is toxic to Humans, they use genetically engineered avatars that look like the local aliens, the Na’vi, and are mind controlled by the Humans on the drop ship. Controlling the Na’vi avatars gives the Humans the ability to see, hear, taste, and leap about like the locals. The protagonist, Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) is a paraplegic and finds the experience of controlling the tall smurf avatar liberating since he can move about once more.

Cameron clearly hates the military and everyone who doubts the dubious “science” of global warming, as his Na’vi characters are portrayed as wise, environmentally friendly, three dimensional (no pun intended) beings that live in perfect harmony with nature, while the Earthicans are one dimensional, war-mongering maniacs with no redeeming qualities. Indeed, even the planet Pandora itself is a more fully developed character than the majority of the Humans! That said, I would be remiss if I did not mention that the CGI visual effects are ridonkulously good, and the action sequences are freaking jaw dropping, and the third act basically drops all pretence of story in favour of wicked wall-to wall action. The blu-ray is a bare-bones release without so much as a trailer on the BD-50 disc on which it is housed. Cameron has already stated that he plans to TRIPLE-DIP this flick on home video, the second DVD and blu will be released in November as a four disc “Ultimate Edition” containing an extended version of the flick as well as all the extras that should have been included in this release, then in early 2011, a 3-D blu-ray is planned for release.

As for the video, the 1080p MPEG 4 AVC encoded transfer is simply stunning, and the DTS-HD Master Audio will give your home theatre the workout it deserves. So really, even if you don’t like the movie it is certainly worth having in your collection if for no other reason but to show off the reference quality video and sound.

In the end, it seems I’m the only reviewer in the entire blogosphere with the stones to call out this movie for what it is: a mega-budget Ferngully re-make, and if the Oscars hadn’t expanded the Best Picture category this year to include TEN pictures, this movie wouldn’t have come close to making it into the category.

There. I said it. Let the flaming begin. A Two out of Five.

It is Time of Game!!! Another brutally honest review by The Jaeger.

2010-04-05T15:33:00.003-06:00

Golden Axe™ Beast Rider
Developed By
Sega
Secret Level

How do you take a beloved, classic, two-player arcade game and turn it into a mediocre single-player experience? Well, you’ll have to ask the boys and girls at Secret Level because that’s exactly what they delivered with Golden Axe™ Beast Rider.

I have to admit when I first heard about this game I was excited beyond all reason, having been as I was a ridonkulously huge fan of the original arcade classic. Indeed, me old pal McBain and I burned away many, MANY hours defeating the dreaded DEATH=ADDER on more occasions than I can remember, so I wanted to give this latest incarnation of the game some serious play time before writing the review. So although I didn’t have the skill to finish the game, I played enough of it to realize that the Golden Axe I knew and loved was gone forever, only to be replaced by this slick looking, next-gen “re-imagining” that to be brutally honest, does not hold up to the original.

Lets start with the good stuff. The graphics, and visual design are top notch, and pretty to look at, the backgrounds are exceptional, the character designs are fresh and exciting, the voice work and music is also half-decent, and help to lend an epic feel to the game.

Unfortunately, the element of the game that counts the most, that should be the most fun, the actual play is severely lacking. The beast riding element, arguably the best part of the original game, is clunky and uninspired, and adds nothing to the overall experience. For the ground based combat, the developers tried to go in a different direction. Instead of making combat a simple hack and slash, button-mashing affair which could become tiresome after eight or ten hours of game-play, they went with a system that requires lightning quick reflexes. Enemy attacks are telegraphed a half-second before they happen by certain colours that indicate whether you have to use a heavy, or light block, and then respond with some perfectly timed attacks resulting in counters that when they actually worked, were absolutely brutally satisfying. The problem is, they only work about half the time, making a great deal of the combat a frustrating chore instead of the fun experience it should have been. For example, many obstacles can only be knocked down while riding a beast, which leads to many instances of backtracking to a beast spawn point. Then one has to fight through a group of baddies, inevitably leading to Tyris being unseated from her beast, and having to once again defeat the baddies, then backtrack to the beast spawn point, ride all the way back, fight more baddies and ultimately do the whole fucking thing all over again.

Another aspect that made the original game so much fun was the two-player co-op aspect, a feature that is conspicuously absent from Golden Axe™ Beast Rider. Another problem I had was with the XBOX 360 Achievements; they are nearly impossible to get! Most of them can only be unlocked by completing the game once and unlocking the special “Battler’s Blade” sword, a weapon that kills opponents with one stroke, but also frustratingly enough, makes Tyris vulnerable to one-hit death! I’m not saying achievements should be as easy as five points for pressing the “Start Button” (thank you Simpsons the game!) but they shouldn’t be so absurdly hard as these ones are to unlock.

So, if you are the type of gamer that has Jedi-like reflexes, and has no problem with clunky game-play and frustrating melee combat, then this is the game for you, unfortunately for me; I just don’t have the patience for it. A TWO out of FIVE.

Cheese and Crackers... oh, and Time Travel...

2010-03-05T23:12:00.002-07:00

So I’m walking through Costco the other day and day-dreaming as I am wont to do about some of the shit that I dug as a youth back in the Eighties™ when I happen upon the Blu-ray for Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior. At $9.99 I cannot resist, as the only other copy in my possession is a battered old VHS tape of the flick recorded off LaserDisc™. I snatched it up and threw it into the cart which gained me a raised eyebrow from the Grrl, but narry a comment.

For the three people out there who don’t know, the film takes place in our soon to be dystopian future (a few years from now) where the milk of human kindness has long since passed it’s sell-by date, and humankind has been reduced to vicious bands of scavengers and raiders, all obsessed with the acquisition of gasoline. Post nuclear horror was BIG in the 1980’s what with the Cold War with the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (that’s right, SOCIALIST! I’m not afraid to speak the truth that the enemy was, and still is SOCIALISM!) and the threat of annihilation seemingly only a turn of the key away, and The Road Warrior is certainly a product of it’s time.

Watching the flick again I realised that it not only holds up, but even surpasses many of the contemporary post-apocalyptic tales spewing from the syphilitic anus of Hollywood today, and is without a doubt the strongest film in the “Mad Max Trilogy.” What was old, is new again as post nuclear flicks and zombie apocalypse pictures are enjoying a renaissance here in the twenty-first century, once again proving that there are no more original ideas left in Hollywood.

Anyway, the point is I still like Mad Max 2, even after twenty-eight years which I think points to how strong, and lasting the film is, to spite what Julian’s film Professor might try to tell you. The third act is especially satisfying, and I defy anyone to find a better chase sequence even with today’s CG laden virtual stunt-work.

Some other things from the eighties have not aged so well however. In 1983 in order to compete with Doctor Who (which was being shown for the first time in North America that year), NBC began broadcasting their own time travel series; a little program called Voyagers! This was the story of time traveller Phineas Bogg (the late Jon-Eric Hexum) and his bratty side kick Jeff Jones (Meeno Peluce) and their adventures through time and space, nudging as they did, history in the “right” direction. Recently this series became available in an inexpensive DVD box-set so, of course being the sucker I am, I picked it up letting my nostalgia get the best of me, my fond memories of the series slicing through my common sense.

Yeah… sometimes nostalgia can get the best of you. The show, while not completely terrible is certainly mediocre at best, and contains more plot holes and inconsistencies than I have room to name here (ancient Egyptians speaking ENGLISH anyone????). Okay, inconsistencies aside, the performances by the lead actors (and many of the so-called “guest stars”) were below average at best, and at worst, utterly unwatchable, and the writing was completely mediocre and amaturish. I am glad I only paid $12.99 for the series, anything more and I would have felt ripped off.

It’s funny how memories work, when I was twelve, I really enjoyed this program and was genuinely upset at it’s cancellation. I even went so far as to construct my own “omni” time and space travel device out of cardboard, plastic, and tin tape, complete with a money-clip on back to carry it on my belt.

Ah, well… even cheese has a shelf life, and apparently Voyagers! Had a shorter one than most others…

Honorable Mentions

2010-01-24T12:40:00.002-07:00

Honorable Mentions of the Last Decade errr, stuff what didn’t make the like/hate list…

Mike Richards: The funniest fuck in Canadian Radio. Mornings on the Fan960.

Crackdown: The first game in a long time I actually wanted to finish!

Buying a House: Something I never thought I would ever be able to do. Sure no cunt can raise your rent or boot your ass out on an overlooked loophole, but it sucks every fucking penny out of my bank account every two weeks.

The Rise of HDTV: Watching standard def fare now just does not cut it anymore. High-Definition is “da-bomb” as the kids say. It’s too bad we get raped by the cable corporations in Canada with mediocre service, less than half the HD channels offered by US cable companies, and ridonkulously high monthly bills to boot!

The Saga Concludes: with the release of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (or, as Julian would say: Revenge of the Two Guys) the Star Wars Saga ended not with a bang, but with a whimper. While the flick was better than the first two prequels in almost every way, it was nowhere near as good as Episodes IV-VI.

G4: My favourite digital cable channel makes it to Canada bringing with it the greatest Newsfotainment (My word. Your welcome.) show of the twenty-first century: Attack of the Show! TV’s only source for all the stuff you care about.

20 Years @ the ‘Corn: December of 2009 marked the twentieth year I’ve been hanging out to drink, write, and be merry at Calgary’s Original Pub, The Unicorn.

Iron Man: Jon Favreau shows that it is possible to make a comic book flick that doesn’t completely suck grilled donkey balls.

Jean Chretien: What can you say about this guy, the most crafty, arrogant, and possibly evil Prime Minister since Trudeau is STILL shooting his mouth off for attention. This time berating Prime Minister Harper for NOT sucking up and kissing the ass of left wing, totalitarian communist China! I suppose I could list all the human rights violations and crimes the Communist Chinese Government has perpetrated against it’s people over the last fifty years, but we don’t have all day here. Look Jean, you are no longer der Furer of Canada so how about you shut the fuck up because no one wants to hear your leftist clap-trap anymore.

The Left-Wing Media: It’s funny, but I’m old enough to remember when the media - wait for it – reported on the news with objectivity! Now all we have, on every channel it seems, is left-wing, socialist editorializing instead of actual news. Oh well.

Ten Years: Part Deux

2010-01-17T10:42:00.001-07:00

10 Things I Hated About the Last Decade (again, in no particular order)

One million people, all with cars, all in front of me driving like fucking idiots.

The Calgary Flames not winning the ’04 Stanley Cup.

I didn’t manage to become rich and famous, to spite trying real hard.

Realizing I need my friends more than they need me.

Ernest Cline and Dan Pulick for ripping off my screenplay for “Cup Crazy” and making it into “Fanboys.” Bastards.

Where the fuck are my flying cars? It’s the 21st century ferchissakes! And what about a base on the moon, or mars? For that matter, where the hell are the aliens?

Peter Jackson winning the Oscar for Return of the King. Really Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences? Really? You give a guy the Oscar for the third, and weakest film in a trilogy? If your just giving these things away like candy at Halloween, why not just give one to George Lucas for Revenge of the Sith?

Al Gore for claiming to love the environment while at the same time flying around the world with an entourage of a hundred people in private jets. That’s right Al, I should give up my car, but you go right ahead and keep burning millions of gallons of environmentally unfriendly jet fuel every month.

The rise radical Islam, and the erosion of western values through the Liberal and Socialist policies of political correctness in North America and Great Britain.

Barack Hussein Obama bringing extreme left wing Socialism, high taxes, and big government to what was once the Greatest Country in the World.

Ten Years! Ten!

2010-01-10T14:06:00.002-07:00

10 Things I Liked About the Last Decade (in no particular order)

Energy drinks becoming the new socially acceptable alternative to crack.

We are now officially ten years closer to the Zombie Apocalypse.

Watching the Calgary Flames in the ’04 Stanley Cup run.

Smoking Cuban cigars, and drinking rum on the back deck.

The sheer variety of delicious USAmerican microbrewery beers made available here in CanadaAmerica… mmmmm Anchor Steam...

Jason Statham becoming THE premiere Action Hero of the 21st Century.

David Letterman and Tiger Woods proving that no matter how rich or married you are it’s still okay to be all about the hootchies.

Tegan + Sara, and Metric getting me interested in music again. Nice of them, don’t you think?

The increase in the Parent/Child “buffer-zone.” George Costanza understands the stress this relieves! LOL

Io Taraji. D’ya loik dags? I loik dags!

Flick Review

2009-12-24T07:58:00.002-07:00

STAR TREK
Directed by JJ Abrams

To quote Monty Burns: “I don’t know much about art, but I know what I hate, and I don’t hate this.” Right off the bat let me say I’ve found JJ. Abrams’ previous work to be mediocre at best, Lost jumped the shark after the second episode, and while I do agree that when an alien monster does eventually rampage through Manhattan, the first images of it will indeed be shot with crappy phone cameras, and shaky digital video, when it came down to it I just didn’t care about the whiney, rich yuppie fucks fleeing the creature in Cloverfield. So even though I’m not one of the rabid fanboys currently drinking the Abrams Kool-Aid, as I was watching the flick I actually realized I was getting caught up in this shiny, new non-Shatner reboot of the Trek franchise.

In the 23rd century, The U.S.S. Kelvin is destroyed by a huge, technologically superior starship, killing George Kirk, but not before he rescues most of the crew, including his newborn son, Jim. Ten or so years later in Iowa, a young James Tiberius Kirk (Jimmy Bennett) is running from the law in his stepfather’s 1967 (clearly a tip of the hat to the first year of the original series) Corvette Stingray. He clearly has no use for the rules that govern society, as he is a total badass, even at this young age. Across the galaxy, on the planet Vulcan, the young Spock (Jacob Kogan) is hazed and abused by his fellow students for his half-Vulcan, half-Human heritage. Another ten years pass and we catch up with Kirk (Chris Pine) and Spock (Zachary Quinto) at Starfleet Academy, and soon the two will find their destines entwined forever. Starfleet graduate and Commander Spock is totally pissed when Kirk “cheats” on the Kobayashi Maru test, but the hearing is cancelled when a distress call is received from Spock's home planet of Vulcan. Though Kirk is not assigned to a vessel, Dr. McCoy uses his position as a ranking medical officer aboard the Federation's flagship U.S.S. Enterprise to sneak his friend on-board. When Kirk learns that the phenomena appearing above Vulcan is the same “lightning storm in space” that preceded the destruction of his father’s starship the Kelvin, he convinces both Captain Pike and Commander Spock that the event may actually be a Romulan Trap. Kirk's instincts are correct, and the Romulan starship, Commanded by a nutcase named Nero (Eric Bana) reveals its true intentions, and a series of events that threatens the existence of the Federation and jeopardizing the destiny of Starfleet's best is thrown into motion.

The performances are for the most part strong, the fan service amusing, (Kirk fucks a green chick, a “red shirt” biting it, etc.) The visual effects are spectacular, and the story is half decent, even if they had to go back to the old “time travel” formula used so often in both the original series and movies.

The blu-ray boasts a ridonkulously beautiful 1080p transfer that just fucking pops. Blacks are inky good, colours vibrant, and detail is astoundingly sharp. The sound is every bit as good, Paramount’s Dolby True-HD sound track will beat your home theatre sound system to a pulp before taking names and doing all over again. The action sequences are stunning, and the dialog is as crisp and clear as you would expect. Defiantly one of the best audio tracks I’ve heard in a long time.

So while I don’t hate this flick, I still wish they could have found a way to get Shatner into the story, and I don’t really buy Abrams’ reason as to why he couldn’t be in it. Canon? Really? He couldn’t be in it because he dies in the future? And since when did trekkies care about continuity anyways? Star Trek continuity changed at the speed of plot if I recall…

Ah well.

Whatever.

It would seem that JJ Abrams succeeded in making a Star Trek flick that is accessible to both fans of the franchise, and non-trekkies alike and for that he should be applauded, and the flick is actually half-decent so I give it 4 sexy green chicks out of 5. The blu-ray extras are a different story altogether and only rate a 3 out of 5, as I really expected a lot more.

Climategate

2009-11-25T21:03:00.004-07:00

Unlike the great Ian Malcolm, I love always being right. It has always been my opinion that something was terribly wrong with the Global Warming crowd. Maybe it was because they never wanted to debate the “science” behind it, or maybe it was because they treated sceptics like holocaust deniers, or maybe because most of them treated it more like a religion instead of the undecided science that it was. As it happens, Al Gore's Climageddon has been postponed. Like forever.

This week the New York Times, of all papers, broke the news that computer hackers broke into the files of one of the world's leading climate monitoring agencies at the U.K.'s University of East Anglia last week. What they uncovered has sent Liberal and Socialist Global Warming Nutbars screeching for an enquiry as to how the security breach occurred. They still don't want to admit they are wrong however...

For those that don’t know, the University of East Anglia’s Climate Research Unit is the leading institution concerned with the study of anthropogenic climate change. The CRU was the main source of information Al Gore used for his hilarious work of fiction: An Inconvenient Truth.

Anyway, the hackers found thousands, yes THOUSANDS of e-mails, and documents pertaining to the powerful research unit’s stand on global warming. “So what?” you might well axe, “It’s their mandate, is it not to research and report truthfully on man made global warming?” Well, yes it is… and no. No because when their hypothesis (that evil mankind was killing the planet) didn’t mesh with their findings, so they decided to lie about what they discovered to prove their hypothesis. Which is, as everyone knows, the opposite of what scientists are supposed to do when researching.

Here are some examples of what was discovered by the hackers:

From Phil Jones To: Michael Mann (Pennsylvania State University). July 8, 2004

"I can't see either of these papers being in the next IPCC report. Kevin and I will keep them out somehow — even if we have to redefine what the peer-review literature is!"

For those that don’t know, the IPCC is the UN body charged with monitoring climate change. Apparently, Phil Jones and Kevin Trenberth did not want it to consider studies that in any way challenge the view that global warming is real and caused by man.

In this next e-mail, Kevin Trenberth as good as admits there is no evidence of warming, yet…

From: Kevin Trenberth (US National Center for Atmospheric Research). To: Michael Mann. Oct 12, 2009
"The fact is that we can't account for the lack of warming at the moment and it is a travesty that we can't... Our observing system is inadequate"

Here, they can’t even hide their distain for anyone who dares question their “reasearch.”

From: Michael Mann. To Phil Jones, Ray Bradley, Malcolm Hughes, S. Rutherford. Tue, 11 Mar 2003
The Soon & Baliunas paper couldn't have cleared a 'legitimate' peer review process anywhere. That leaves only one possibility—that the peer-review process at Climate Research has been hijacked by a few skeptics on the editorial board. And it isn't just De Frietas, unfortunately I think this group also includes a member of my own department...
The skeptics appear to have staged a 'coup' at "Climate Research" (it was a mediocre journal to begin with, butits a mediocre journal with a definite 'purpose').
It is pretty clear that thee skeptics here have staged a bit of a coup, even in the presence of a number of reasonable folks on the editorial board (Whetton, Goodess, ...). My guess is that Von Storch is actually with them (frankly, he's an odd individual, and I'm not sure he isn't himself somewhat of a skeptic himself), and without Von Storch on their side, they would have a very forceful personality promoting their new vision.
There have been several papers by Pat Michaels, as well as the Soon & Baliunas paper, that couldn't get published in a reputable journal. This was the danger of always criticising the skeptics for not publishing in the "peer-reviewed literature". Obviously, they found a solution to that--take over a journal!

From: Michael Mann. To: Phil Jones and Gabi Hegerl (University of Edinburgh). Date: Aug 10, 2004
"Phil and I are likely to have to respond to more crap criticisms from the idiots in the near future.”

There are about three thousand of these e-mails, many of which appear to be regarding the scientists trying to figure out ways to deny freedom of information requests to see their data, as well as exaggerating global warming data, illegally destroying information that contradicts their hypotheses, manipulating data to prove theories, and much, much more.

What else can one say? While Al Gore was ripping people off in Toronto, charging $500 a head to listen to his lies, the real news about so-called man-made climate change was breaking all over the world. We can only hope that the Liberal dominated mainstream media takes its collective head out of the sand and runs the story, but we all know how likely that is.

Crouching Tiger/ Drunken Moron

2009-10-05T19:50:00.002-06:00

This is for me the “feel good” story of the week, quite possibly the year. Not only does it make me happy on a Monday, (no mean feat) but it also proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Darwin was right.

Some drunken dingle berry chose to break into the Calgary Zoo in the middle of the night and jump into the tiger cage, where a two-year-old Siberian Tiger mauled his arm so badly that it may have to be removed. Awesome.

Which leads me to axe this question: how many tinnies of Lucky Strong do you have to crush to make breaking into the zoo and crawling into the tiger paddock seem like a reasonably good idea? I’m betting eight, give or take one or three.

I mean really, you and a bud are hanging out having a few “pops” and at some point the two of you decide to move the party elsewhere. I’ve been there and done that, it happens, BUT almost (well, always) 100% of the time “elsewhere” ends up being a pub, or someone’s flat somewhere within walking distance. Never, and I mean not even one time did I ever say: “Hey McBain, what say you and I wander on over to the zoo and play pin the tail on the tiger for real.” Nor would I. Personally there is not enough booze on the planet to make that seem like a good idea.

The saddest thing about this story is that the drunken tool who was mauled survived the attack, living to possibly breed and spread his stupidity, and moronisizm (yep, I had to make up a new word for this idiot’s actions) onto the next generation and this my friends is the real tragedy.

Indian Summer??

2009-09-28T19:46:00.001-06:00

So seeing how the last few days have brought us chilly weather more appropriate to the season, I feel I must think back to last Wednesday, the 23rd of September. On that day here in the Town of Cows, it got up to 93F (that’s 34C for all you metricentrics out there) which was apparently a new temperature record for that date in history… or at least since 1998 or something.

Everybody at the office, from the code monkeys hanging around the lunch room, to the choads in the lab were blathering on about the “Indian Summer” (or for the Politically Correct out there “Native American Indigenous Persons Summer”) which got me wondering; what exactly is an “Indian Summer” anyway?

I heard the term tossed around in my youth and had always been under the impression that it was something that that happened when the region experienced a full summer, followed by a few days, weeks, or maybe even a month of uncharacteristically warm early autumn weather.

I had to know the truth so I whipped it out. That’s right, I pulled out the old Webster’s Dictionary and found out that Indian Summer is described as 1. a period of warm or mild weather in late autumn or early winter.

Not only were the code monkeys, and the lab choads wrong but (gasp!) I was too!

There’s a first time for everything I suppose…

Blame France, Not Britain

2009-09-17T17:32:00.002-06:00

So on the news the other day I heard a story about a tiny group of whiny Pure Laine Quebecois who managed through bitching and moaning to cause the cancellation of a yearly historical re-creation of the Battle on the Plains of Abraham. For those of you who don’t know what this is here is a brief history lesson.

The Plains of Abraham was the location of many battles between the Imperial French and British Empires, where in 1759 the British Army defeated the cheese-eating surrender monkeys of the French Imperial forces. Without British victory in this battle, North America would be very different than it is today.

This year however, the event was cancelled due to interference from the mostly racist Pure Laine members of the separatist Parti Québécois and Bloc Québécois who for purely political reasons began criticizing the event as a slap in the face for Quebecois. They couldn't’t be more wrong in their posturing.

The defeat of the French Imperial Army in 1759 was the BEST thing to happen to Quebec because it set in motion the domination of the French-Canadian minority over the English majority for the next 250 years and beyond. So for this, French Canada should be forever grateful.

Why? Well because IF the French had beaten the Brits back in 1759, then Quebec would still be part of France in 1803, when Thomas Jefferson made a little deal with Napoleon called The Louisiana Purchase. If Quebec had been part of that deal then the territory would eventually become one of 50, or 51, or however many states.

What would this mean for Quebec? Well, USAmerica is a melting pot, meaning the French Québécois would be speaking USAmerican ENGLISH. Quebec would NOT under any circumstances be allowed to hold the United States hostage with the threat of separation because the separatist Parti Québécois and Bloc Québécois would not exist there because there is no absurd Government mandated “tax payer cash allotment” for third, fourth, and fifth rate political parties like there is in Canada. No, all Quebec would be if the French had won that battle would be a backwater state no different than Maine, North Dakota, or Rhode Island, and they most certainly would have no language police to oppress the Anglos, nor would they be ever be declared their own “nation.”

What would this mean for Canada? Canada would be much stronger financially as a nation without Quebec. Even if official bi-bilingualism was gone the money saved would be enough to make every tax-payer in Canada a millionaire. Imagine no bi-lingual packaging, no tax-sucking French TV and radio, no separatist political parties using tax-payers money to break up the country! Imagine the English speaking majority not having to suck up and kiss the butt of the spoiled child of confederation for the last two hundred or so years! But most importantly, imagine no French on the spines of your dvd and blu-ray cases! ;)

No, the reenactment of the Battle of the Plains of Abraham is NOT a slap in the face for Quebecois, because if they understood their own history they would know it is what made Quebec the most powerful nation in Canada today, and they should not forget that.

Prepare to be Reviewed

2009-07-19T19:36:00.003-06:00

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Directed by Michael Bay

Two years after the events in Transformers the Autobots are working with a secret military taskforce hunting down rogue Decepticons. Meanwhile, Sam is off to Princeton University and wants to start off his new life sans giant alien robots, but lurking in the background a new sinister threat looms…

Okay, off the top as I have said before (I coined the term of phrase actually): Michael Bay is part of the problem with Hollywood today. He, and the major studios, are a big reason why it is so difficult for independent writers and filmmakers to get studios to look at their work, and one of the reasons why flicks cost so godsdamn much to make these days, and why it costs thirteen bucks a seat @ the box office.

BUT that being said, you give Bay 200 million bucks to make a flick about giant robots beating the crap out of each other and blowing shit up, and you are not left wondering where all that cash went. Every penny of that 200 mil is visible on the big screen.

In fact, the first hour of this flick is pretty good, robot fights, explosions, Megan Fox… hmmm… anyway it all builds up to a decent climax, then it stalls out, sputters back to life, then starts the whole process all over again, both exhausting and deafening the viewer by the time the final credits roll. The plot is simple, the movie is loud, bombastic, popcorn fodder. Its funny I read Roger Ebert’s review the other day and he used the term “incomprehensible” when he described the plot. Er, really Mr. Ebert? Methinks if he finds to plot of Revenge of the Fallen too difficult to understand, then maybe its time for him to hang up his pen, and give up his balcony seat to ME because he is clearly suffering from the mad cow… but I digest…

Who cares about the story anyway! Bring on the giant alien robots fighting, of which there is plenty in this flick. Once again John Tuturro is one of he best things about This Transformers flick, oh and Megan Fox… did I mention she’s in this flick? And that she is uber-hot?

Anyway, the problem that writers Roberto Orci, Ehren Kruger, and Alex Kurtzman, have in this flick is trying to please all those stupid-assed, obsessive, bot fan-boy choads by throwing a heap of so-called “fan favourite” characters into the flick that do nothing but show up onscreen for two minutes, say one or two lines and are gone from the screen faster than Keyser Söze. Somebody tell me what the point was in having the constructicons and Devastator in the flick at all? Any Decepticon could have climbed up the pyramid and started busting shit up only to get blasted in half five minutes later. My advice to Orci, Kruger, and Kurtzman is to completely ignore the fan-base and try to write the best film they can, that makes sense and ties up the half dozen or so loose ends left dangling in this mediocre “summer blockbuster.”

It’s not all bad really, that bit at the beginning with all the home appliances turning into Decepticons amused me because back in 1985 Julian and I came up with the exact same ideas, for our own personal amusement of course… I’m sure Michael Bay didn’t somehow get a hold on my old notes and drawings…or DID HE? Heh, just kidding.

In the end it just isn’t a very good flick, and that’s too bad. I was expecting “The Empire Strikes Back,” and instead got “Attack of the Clones.” Oh well, better luck next time.

Oh, and it was nice to see Starscream (my fave Decepticon) get a few more lines and stuff to do in this flick, so that and the hotness of Megan Fox, is why Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen gets a TWO out of FIVE.

My Favourite Dictator

2009-05-26T18:22:00.003-06:00

Happy Belated Memorial Day to all you USAmericans out there, “I personally believe that USAmericans…don’t have maps” ah forget it. I would have had this up yesterday, but The Company that I work for has seen fit to BLOCK CMBZ… it’s a conspiracy I tells ya. Anyway, here is a note to USAmerican President Barack Hussein Obama:

Stop it with your baseless, unfair condemnation of the General Secretary of the Worker’s Party of Korea, the Great Leader himself, Kim Jong-il.

Yes, Great Leader Kim Jong-il, a man whose Legendary exploits are the stuff of Legend! Have you seen the size of the fish he caught? Have you heard of all of those holes in one he’s hit? Have you seen his video collection? And what about that hair?!

He is the Great and Glorious Leader of North Korea and YOU are only alive today because he has allowed it, so you will show him some GODDAMN RESPECT!

You are lucky he even performs for you BASTARDS! Leave Kim Jong-il ALONE!!!!!!

The Official Calgary Comic Expo Blog

2009-05-05T10:51:00.003-06:00

Was sick for a couple of days… Just a cold caught from the thousands of sick, coughing, sneezing humans @ the CCE, not the so-called “swine-flu.” It’s almost funny the amount of goo that builds up in the ole sinus cavities!

Anyway, was down @ the Calgary Comic Expo on the Saturday and am left wondering somewhere in the recesses of my brainmeats that oh-so eternal question axed by old guys in buddy cop movies: am I getting too old for this shit?

The truth of it is, I had completely forgotten about the CCE up until a week before it was on and was only reminded by me buddy Dooks on a visit to his store. At that moment it dawned on me that I was completely unprepared, had planned nothing, saved nothing, and on top of everything couldn’t even be certain of my attendance. On the way home I mulled, and hemmed, and hawed in the dark cavern of my mind and came to the conclusion that no, I would not in fact be attending this year, I would stay home and relax, perhaps read a book or something.

As the week progressed I found myself going back and forth like a tennis match in my head: should I stay or should I go? After a Friday night of beers and Rock Band on the 360 that lasted until 4AM, and the sudden knowledge that Edward Freaking James Olmos, Mr. American Me himself was to attend the Expo, I decided I would indeed attend.

Woke up around 9:30 Saturday morning and got my shit together, showered, dressed and was @ the Big4/Round-p Center/Corral by 11:00. And it all went wrong big time, so much so that I nearly fled the scene. I bought a ticket (was it always $20 to get in?) and was then instructed to get in line for entrance. I looked at the entrance; people were filing in through the big double-doors, why could I not just go in with them? Or what of the half dozen other entrances to “Hall D?” Then I remembered back to the Big Convention, back to Celebration 4 and it all became clear to me: the organizers of these events just LOVE to make people WAIT IN LINES. Even if there is no need to. Especially if there is no need to.

So I strolled through the hallways of Hall D of the new edition to the round up center, through the old complex, passed the corral, almost out the back door and into the parking lot, up the stairs to the west entrance of the Saddledome. About four or five city blocks worth of line-up, and I waited. And waited. Four blocks of line, three deep with Filthy Humans, ripe with the B.O. and diet Dr. Pib stench of Geek… was I the only Geek in attendance with the good sense to SHOWER this morning??? Perhaps or perhaps not… but the stench was palpable, hanging in the air like a living thing, a funky companion of which there was no escape.

I was in line, for an hour, slowly moving forward, inches at a time before finally making it through the first set of doors into the anti-room where the fan groups were housed and the meeting rooms where the panels were to be held. This area is thick with costumed Geeks, and fat guys squeezed into Star Trek shirts that are many sizes too small, as well as cos-playing 13 year old girls dressed as their favorite “yaoi” manga characters. Oh hey, there is a Klingon! And a Stormtrooper! And then right in front of me passes none other than UglySkinnyGreasyGlassesGirl and her friend HomelessLookingGuy from the city’s Anime club! I shudder to think of how far we’ve fallen. This is the very stereotype of Geek Culture that “normals” latch onto when they seek to deride us, the very thing I have been fighting against my whole Geek life.

I find myself @ the doors to the main hall and as soon as I am through the doors everyone in front of me grinds to a dead stop. Come on. I want to scream out to everyone: “FUCKING GET A MOVE ON!” but I don’t. I dig deep for the patience of the Jedi, the patience that seems to be evaporating from my being with each passing second. Breathing. Deep breaths. I push forward through the crush of people and try to get a look @ some of the various wares the dealers and scalpers are selling in this great hall of Consumer-Geek-Culture.

All around me, male and female Geeks of all shapes, sizes and hairstyles are coughing, sneezing, sniffing, chitting and chatting, as they meander, slowly shuffling like the zombies in Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, searching back and forth, scanning the tables and booths for something that might pique their interest, or perhaps just something distractingly shiny.

It took me most of a half-hour just to push and shuffle my way to the Red Five Collectables booth. I dived sideways like a running-back avoiding a tackle, pulling myself from the mass of sweaty humanity to the relative safety of the booth. I chatted with some buddies, my eyes big as saucers, and annoyance level firmly in the red over the sheer number of Geeks in attendance. A confined space, ten thousand people, and they’re all in front of me.

After catching up, and catching my breath, I dove back into the moving mass of smelly Geek. I try to check out some of the different dealer booths and tables, but it seems every time I try to move off to one side, the current of the crowd sweeps me past and away from the table that caught my eye.

I should have known… it’s usually quite difficult to get to see anything in the first couple of hours of these conventions, so I decided a different strategy was in order. My idea was to skim around the perimeter, then make a bolt for the inside aisles in an attempt to check the whole place, returning later only to the booths and tables that contained items I was interested in purchasing. Hit and run, zip in, zip out, like going to Wisconsin.

This of course posed a new problem: The Stoppers. Those Geeks, mostly with small children and babies in flimsy but wide push-carts that feel they have to stop in the middle of the aisle every five seconds because of a whining or screaming kid. I have two suggestions for you: step to the side and let people through, or pay the five bucks for a fucking baby-sitter, and leave the squealing pink-grub @ home! This way you don’t have to slowly push a baby pram through a huge crowd, inconveniencing EVERYONE and you don’t contribute unnecessarily to the stink of the crowd with the wonderful stench of a shit-filled diaper! I don’t want to go off on a RANT here but look, I understand you Geeks out there who choose to breed want to have your genre-cake and eat it too by having kids and still participating in all the glories of the Geek Lifestyle to which you have been accustomed, but come on, have some consideration for others and get Grandma to take care of the kid for the day for once.

Eventually I found myself @ a booth with a shitload of G.I Joe figs and decided to have a quick, and what I thought would be a fruitless, look for the Blue Costumed, Green Sunglasses, “Olivia Munn features” Baroness® figure I’ve been trying to get my greedy little hands on for months. Just as I was ready to give up the ghost, I spotted her surrounded by a heap of Dukes® and Storm Shadows®. I pulled her from the peg and tried to pay, but was told to go to the other side of the booth. I did happily knowing that “Olivia Munn features” Baroness® would soon be mine, I will have paid way too much for it, but it would be MINE. There was no one in line and I reckoned this would take only a few seconds to pay and be on my way… WRONG! As soon as I came around the corner of the booth two people materialized seemingly from no-where, in the line in front of me. I shook my head and trudged forward thinking; at least they have interac® as a payment option, as cash was pretty tight this week/every week, so being able to access the accounts directly was a huge plus since 96% of dealers on the floor only accepted cash. The first guy in line zipped through quickly; a cash customer, the second guy tried to pay with interac®. Tried being the operative word, several swipes, two cards, and several minutes later the girl @ the till decided “his cards” didn’t work so in the end he paid with cash. I wanted to use my interac® card to free up the cash for a higher priced item later, but was now doubtful that the option was available. One, two, three, swipes, four or five tries, and two different cards later and a line queuing up behind me. Well, clearly there is something wrong with my cards… ER their machine, either that or the girl working the till didn’t know how to operate it! So much to my chagrin, I ended up paying with cash.

As the day wore on I began to feel a wee bit peckish and thought to grab a little snack from either the stampede burger kiosk or the pizza booth. Coming around the corner I saw the line for pizza and quickly fled, not wishing to wait a half hour in another line up. As for the burger kiosk, I don’t even think it was open… the decision was made! I would go without! It wouldn’t kill a fat guy like me to miss lunch on a Saturday afternoon anyway. And about that, one of the things I love about a huge Geek Fest like the Calgary Comic Expo is this: I am NEVER the fattest fuck in attendance. No matter how down on myself I may get with regards to my immense girth, there is always a bigger, fatter, geekier Geek waddling through the crowd to make me feel better about myself, if only for a moment.

I fought my way back to the Red Five booth and chatted briefly with buds before heading out the doors for a breath of fresh air. As I pushed open the glass doors on the west side of the complex, the cool air assaulted my senses, like a man crawling through the desert taking his first sip of cool, clean water, I drank back the fresh air greedily, gulping it in until I had my fill, then back inside to the warm, moist, fetid air of many, many, Geeks.

As I was saying “hey” to me buds from the Calgary Fan Force the thought of being too old for this shit again assailed my brainmeats. Was I getting too old, to grumpy, too ornery, too curmudgeonly, to have fun anymore? Even as the words drifted past my lips they felt hollow, empty, a lie. How could I be too old for this? Sure the crowds are unpleasant, and some of the dealers choose to scalp you on every purchase, but its all part of the experience. For two days all of Geekdom, from Otaku, to Steampunks, get together to celebrate their uniqueness, madness, Geekness. For those two days the geeks all get along the pettiness and politics of fandom are set aside as all are united in their quest for that one elusive book, t-shirt, comic, action figure, or autograph that their collections just must have, and if that is wrong, then baby I don’t want to be right.

*The Calgary Comic & Entertainment Expo image is copyright the owners and used without permission.

Flick Review

2009-04-13T12:40:00.004-06:00

The Day the Earth Stood Still

Directed by Scott Derrickson

Scientist Dr. Helen Benson (Jennifer Connelly) finds herself face to face with the alien Al Gore, oops, I mean Klaatu (Keanu Reeves) who traveled across the galaxy to warn the Earth of a theoretical -errr- impending environmental crisis. The Government treats the extraterrestrial as hostile, and denies his request to address the United Nations, so Helen and her stepson Jacob go on the run with Al -errr- Klaatu to try and convince him that the filthy Human inhabitants of the Earth are smarter than they look and should survive, but perhaps it is already too late.

I really went into this flick with an open mind, having been a huge fan of the original 1951 flick (which is included in the Blu-ray release as a great little bonus!), but about half way through began to get the distinct impression that the flick should have been called An Inconvenient Truth 2: The Wrath of Gore(t)!

It’s almost sad when the best thing about a huge budget sci-fi film like this is a pair of cameos by John Cleese and James Hong. Jennifer Connelly is gorgeous of course, and I can’t think of a role more perfect for Keanu than the straight-faced, emotionless alien-in-a-human-body, character he plays, but for my money the story was weak and full of holes, and if the story isn’t there, the film cannot work.

It seems as if the screenwriter(s) took the bare bones of the original, classic, and wrote it around a couple of weak action and effects shots, put it in a cocktail shaker, dumped it out and hoped for the best. As a science-fiction geek, I may have been able to almost over-look this if the visual effects were awesome, but to be honest, they are little more than mediocre throughout. The GORT robot is especially bad and looks so much like a crappy CG effect in every scene that it is truly, annoyingly distracting.

On the plus side the movie arrives on Blu-ray with a FANTASTIC 1080p, 2.35:1-framed transfer that is truly reference quality. The AQ is equally impressive with a remarkable DTS-HD MA 5.1 lossless soundtrack that will give your home theater the workout it deserves… except that means you have to watch the movie, so it’s kind of a trade-off.

The Blu-ray also includes a really good supplements package that in many ways is superior to the movie itself, but your mileage may vary.

Even taking the good with the bad, I still cannot recommend this flick and give TWO Dyson Spheres out of FIVE.

Work Time WTF!

2009-04-11T09:17:00.001-06:00

Who does this? I know that I work with some filthy bastards, don’t we all? But who the hell is the grubby bastard that thinks its cool to spit gum into the urinal?

What exactly is wrong with you if you engage in this sort of behaviour, really what kind of douche thinks so little of others that while taking a pish they figure; why not just spit my tasteless gum into the urinal too?

You d-bagerinos know who you are, so maybe you should try to keep this in mind the next time the urge relieve yourself of your gum comes in the middle your relieving yourself: some poor minimum wage cleaner is going to have to fish that stinky, rubbery, piss-nugget out of there at the end of the day!

Eeww!

Urinal image from www.urinal.net/

Worktime WTF?!?

2009-03-26T16:47:00.001-06:00

Who does this?

Working in an office has its perks; free coffee, internet, comfy chairs, and occasionally someone will bring in deliciously tasty treats like boxes of doughnuts or sausage rolls.

After the initial stampede of workers, stomping and elbowing their way to the free food as if they hadn’t eaten in a fortnight, there comes the inevitable lull and as the morning begins to wear on, the number of treats diminishes until the moment arrives when There Can Be Only One item left on the table.

So tell me who the hell is the psycho that ALWAYS chooses to eat like half a doughnut, or who takes one bite from a sausage roll, then puts it back on the table??? Honestly if you want to eat it, then JUST EAT THE FRIGGING THING!

If you don’t think you can finish an entire item then here are your choices:

1. Leave the item the fuck alone.

2. Throw out the rest of the food item after you have partially consumed it. Why? Because if I see food sitting anywhere, all sad and half-eaten like, looking pathetic in a dusting of it’s own crumbs, you bet your ass it is going in the trash.

What the hell is wrong with you people anyway?

This is not the end, not by a long shot!

Flick Review

2009-03-08T10:26:00.004-06:00

WATCHMEN

Directed by Zach Snyder

“…two riders were approaching, and the wind began to howl.”

My hands were still shaking a little when I wrote this out in long hand, my brainmeats trying to decompress from what I witnessed on the giant IMAX screen only hours before.

Back in the eighties I used to go to a place called “Back To The Future Comics” for my bi-weekly four-colour fix, and I remember reading in one column or another about a 12 issue series by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons called WATCHMEN that was coming soon. I was intrigued, the book sounded like something I would dig, so I told the comic store guy to add the title to my file at the store.

Reading it all those years ago I remember telling my friends how fantastic it was, but not once did I ever believe a film could be made of it. Indeed, I stated on many occasions to my comic book enthusiast friends that the story was “un-filmable.” Now after seeing the flick, I hold to my earlier statement.

Don’t get me wrong, WATCHMEN is not a bad film, on the contrary, it blew me away, the problem is that I am a “fanboy.”

The WATCHMEN books were something I’ve read many, many times over the years, each time discovering how densely layered the storytelling was and how it succeeds on every level even to this day. The story, the art, the supplements, everything works together to achieve a cohesive whole and if even one “cog” wasn’t there it could not have been as brilliant as it turned out to be. These twelve issues, later collected into graphic novel format and reprinted dozens of times truly changed the way we look at comic books forever.

As I have stated many times before, Film and Graphic Novels are two very different mediums, yet throughout the flick my mind could not help but drift to what was left out and what was changed. I enjoyed the film, but by knowing the original source material as well as I do, it changes the way I look at the film. The good news is that unlike the film adaptation of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, you won’t have to have read the book to understand what’s going on in the film.

Performances are solid throughout, especially Jeffery Dean Morgan as Edward Blake aka The Comedian. Also the music, sound, and set design, are all fantastic, and the level of detail in the world of WACTHMEN is exceptional to say the least. The story, while still satisfying, I think still left too much out, but I believe that’s more my problem than Zach Snyder’s who clearly from the very first frame shows he has a great passion for the source material.

Will Alan Moore hate it? Of course he will! He took his name off the project the second it was green-lit, and stated in Wizard #209 “I’m NEVER going to watch this fucking thing.” But can you really blame him considering the cinematic abortions that were League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and From Hell?

As for me, I give WATCHMEN Four blood-spattered smiley-faces out of Five.

Obama Is GOD!!!!!!

2009-02-20T11:46:00.004-07:00

Yesterday the Toronto Illiterati and the Ottawa Press Gallery were buzzing, vibrating, and creaming themselves with joyous anticipation of their Lord God Barack Hussein Obama’s visit to Canada, presumably because in Liberal Central Canada the general consensus is that President Obama is the Savior of the world, and quite possibly the Universe.

These are the very same socialists that whines incessantly about how Canada was becoming “too friendly” with the United States during their last administration. Of course now these same folks are saying we “must be closer” with the USA because it is their skewed perception that the current Canadian government isn’t nearly as far up Obama’s ass as they could be.

Guess what guys, it’s the SAME COUNTRY! Trade, Foreign Policies, all these things the Liberal Media bitched, and moaned about before, all those so-called reasons they used to consistently bash the United States and her people are still there, except now there is a New Guy in charge.

I wonder what has changed exactly. Barack Obama is not some Magical Deity who is going to wave a wand, say some magical words, and suddenly make all the trouble in the world go away. He, like George W. Bush before him is just a man. A man who will do what he feels is in the best interest of his country and himself. He is a politician with not a lot of experience, but a politician none the less.

So maybe the Liberal Media should get down off their soap boxes for a while because apparently the air is a bit too thin up there these days.

Watchmen Widget

2009-02-18T16:55:00.001-07:00

Flick Review

2009-02-12T14:07:00.005-07:00

HIGHLANDER The SOURCE
Directed by Brett Leonard

"Seek the sauce..."

From the dawn of time they came, moving silently among us. They cannot die, unless they are beheaded, they are immortals… and their time is coming to an end. Sometime in the future the world, well Eastern Europe anyway, is in ruin for reasons never adequately explored, and Duncan Macleod (Adrian Paul) seems to be some kind of silent guardian, watching over the city like freaking Batman or something, and fighting crime. Then we find out via Mac’s old friend Methos (Peter Wingfield) that some kind of cosmic planetary alignment that makes no sense scientifically is going to bring about Armageddon while at the same time pointing to “The Source” of immortality. And this is just the first fifteen minutes, we also have the cheesiest villain to EVER pick up a sword in a Highlander production, and I am including all the previous flicks, every episode of the TV series, AND the hideous cartoon series from the nineties, and of course the so-called “greatest love of Macleod’s life” who has conveniently never before appeared in any other media, yet we are expected just to accept that she’s always been around I suppose.

To say that HIGHLANDER THE SOURCE is the worst of the Highlander flicks is a given; it is without a doubt the worst piece of Highlander fiction ever released. With the exception of Methos, and Joe (Jim Byrnes), the characters are weak and uninteresting, (even Adrian Paul looks bored throughout) the story is a bore, and the action sequences flat, the visual effects are TV movie in quality. All in all this is a brutally bad flick.

The funny thing is it came out on DVD about a year ago and sat on my shelf for a long time before I slipped it in the machine to give it a go; the first time I fell asleep thirty minutes in, a few months later I tried again, and I could not get through it on that second go around. Today as I sat at home doing laundry, I decided to try it again, this time I watched it all the way through. Mercifully, it was only 86minutes long, I swear if it was any longer I think I would have cut off my own head. And don't even get me started about the ending... yeesh!

HIGHLANDER THE SOURCE slices on to DVD with a dark, murky 2.35:1 anamorphic transfer and a somewhat less than adequate 5.1 Dolby Digital soundtrack. The so-called special features include “Highlander the Process” – A Behind the scenes documentary, Storyboard to Scene Comparisons, a Tribute to Bill Panzer, and a sneak peak at the upcoming Highlander video game for the x-box 360.

In the end there can be only a ONE out of FIVE.

Flick Review

2009-01-18T11:48:00.002-07:00

A quick explanation of the new Flick Rating System. Now while it is still a numbered system, it has been decided that for clarification, the definition of the numbers be explained to the reader.

6 out of 5. Sell your first born to see this. The most important piece of twenty-first century cinema you are ever likely to encounter.

5 out of 5. Freaking Amazing. Everything I expected from the flick and just that much more.

4 out of 5. A pretty damn fine flick. Could have been better of course, but not by much.

3 out of 5. It’s, as the kids say, ah-ight. If you enjoy the genre, see it, if not you are missing nothing.

2 out of 5. Meh. The only reason it gets two is because there were boobies.

1 out of 5. RUN AWAY! Complete waste of time you will never get back, and not even a single naked breast to be found.

And now, on with the review!

Kung Fu Panda

Directed by John Stevenson and Mark Osborne

I missed this one when it came to theatres and after finally seeing the flick, I have to say I wish I had taken the time. Jack Black plays the voice of Po, a lowly, noodle slurping, fat (FAT!) panda who dreams of better things. Po worships the Furious Five, a group of the most powerful martial artists in all of China. He plays with their action figures, and dreams of the day that he will stand beside them as a hero. When the day comes that one of the Five is to be awarded the title of “The Dragon Warrior," a recognition given to the most powerful of all Kung Fu Masters, Po heads to the Jade Temple, but arrives too late. Or does he?

The animation is this flick is so good; you will not even be able to describe how good it is. You’ll just be sitting there, watching this with your eyes like saucers trying not to miss a single nano-second of the incredible detail, and awesomeness that appears before you on your screen. Every shot is amazing, from the insane detail of the backgrounds, to the fur and clothes of the characters, this flick is pure eye candy at it’s best. And the story is not bad either! Who would have thought!

Kung Fu Panda kicks its way on to Blu-ray with a flawless, reference quality 2.35:1 framed 1080p transfer in which every frame features a gorgeous sense of depth and an abundance of beautifully rendered colour. It freaking pops as only a digital film can when care and cash are put up for the finest of high-definition transfers. The slick, balanced Dolby True HD 5.1 surround audio is a treat to the ears with the sound flowing naturally and evenly across the front speakers, and the perfectly rendered dialogue remaining firmly in the centre channel where it belongs. All in all, both picture and sound quality are reference material for folks wanting to show off their home theatre systems.

Kung Fu Panda comes with a decent amount of bonus materials including the Blu-ray exclusive Animator’s Corner, Trivia Track, and BD-Live Fun Features. Other “Secret Ingredients” include Dragon Warrior Training Academy, Help Save The Wild Pandas, and much more, the majority of it in HD.

For being an excellent flick with reference quality picture and sound, and giving me a good heaping helping of extras, Kung Fu Panda gets a 5 out of 5.

We're Baaaacckk....

2009-01-12T19:17:00.003-07:00

Where is it? Where has the last year gone?

January 2K9, the start of a new freaking year and we here at the newly re-opened offices of ChilledMonkeyBrainz, broadcasting to you from the Pickled Pirate Pub are all full of pish and vinegar.

After a tumultuous Festivus and a little “creative” accounting, we here at CMBZ are happy to say that the insanity WILL continue into 2K9. You can’t get rid of us that easily.

Now for the sad news: Reiko Murakami has decided to leave us as Head Researcher in order to pursue a job that actually pays her! Imagine that! Good Luck Rei! We will miss you! Especially the giggling.

Anyway, stay tuned to the New and Improved CMBZ for more flick, game, and book reviews, short stories, and all the insanity you can shake a stick at coming up in the New Year.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… or is it stranger… I always forget.

Later,

The Jaeger

Editor

P.S. What is the DEAL with Santa? He SEES you when you are sleeping. He KNOWS when you are awake. Sounds like some kind of psycho stalker to me…

The End, Beautiful Friend...

2008-12-08T12:39:00.002-07:00

Greetings from the offices of chilledmonkeybrainz,

It’s been one tough year “broadcasting” from the basement of the Pickled Pirate Pub and my ass is tired beyond belief.

So without further ado, I hereby declare this as the LAST post of the year from chilledmonkeybrainz (that’s BRAINZ with a ZED!).

And it might just be the LAST POST EVER by our crack group of writers, and artists here as well. Tough economic times have touched us all in North America in the past year and it seems we may not be able to keep the office open, pay staff, and pay the bills anymore.

So, thanks to our three readers for their support since 2002, and we hope to continue in the New Year, but if we do not, Good Night and Good Luck!

Sincerely Yours,

The Jaeger: Executive Producer, Editor, Reviews
J.C. Hunter: Fiction and Literature, Artwork
Sally Kharwache: Photography
Dan Buffet: Contributor
Johnny Twinkle: Bass
Reiko Murakami: Research

And the rest of the staff here at chilledmonkeybrainz.

Rally For Canada!

2008-12-05T13:53:00.003-07:00

I encourage all freedom loving Canadians to get out to the Pro -Democracy rallies in your home towns on Saturday December 6, 2K8.

For more info check this site: http://www.rallyforcanada.ca/

Coup d'etat

2008-12-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

This is freaking enough! I have to shake my head now that some smug group of arrogant Liberals, socialist NDP, and Separatist Bloc members, a cabal of political losers, who are nothing more than partisan opportunists and power grubbers are in the midst of committing a coup d’état!

There is no commonality between the Liberals, the Socialist NDP, or the Separatist Bloc Quebecois, except for their individual lust to steal taxpayer’s money and to take and retain power at any cost. They are not doing this because it is best for Canada and Canadians; they are doing it out of greed and sour grapes.

These scum that have been meeting in secret, and conniving to overthrow the Democratically elected government of Canada are nothing more than traitors and should be dealt with in the harshest possible way.

I encourage all freedom loving Canadians who believe in democracy to take up arms in the form of the only weapon we have in this country, the right to vote, and show this cabal of losers that we will not tolerate sedition in this country.

Happy Turkey Day!

2008-11-27T16:30:00.002-07:00

To all my U.S. American reader(s) I wish you all a Happy Day Before Black Friday errr, Thanksgiving Day. Remember to give thanks, oh and fight with the in-laws. Don't ever forget that, and in the immortal words of Miss South Carolina: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because osama people out there in our nation don't have maps..."

And stay tuned for some NEW reviews next week, and perhaps a rant... we'll see.

Disco Inferno?

2008-11-04T17:08:00.003-07:00

The building across the train tracks from my work is on fire...

Hey, I can Blog about this!

2008-11-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

So Sunday me and the Grrl are out at the Deerfoot Meadows mall, she at the Michaels and I at the Best buy and we head out to the truck to begin the journey home.

We get to the four-way stop and are waiting for the other cars to go their way and are STRUCK FROM BEHIND by some stupid freaking woman in a grey Buick. So hard was this collision that it sent our Ford Escape ten feet forward and into the intersection.

I shook off the initial shock and got out, inquiring loudly, and with many a “colourful metaphor” into what the hell was wrong with her. Was she blind? Stupid? Did she fail to understand the concept of the BIG RED HEXAGON with STOP written across it?

Then she starts to get snippy with me. “So do you want my information or what?” and “I don’t know why you’re so angry, I got the worst of it!”
Don’t you get snide with me “Sally,” or you’ll find out what real anger is.

So the upshot of this is that we have minimal bumper damage, but the front of her car is fucking destroyed, and my neck and shoulder hurt a bit.

For seventeen years I lived downtown, in the inner city, with more concentrated traffic than anywhere else in the city and I got ran into once when that retard Daniel Royer ran a stop-sign and hit the side of the Little Red Mazda.

In the last year, living in the sticks, two people (both women by the way) smash into us due to their own inattention and retarded stupidity.

I wonder what the next year will bring…

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2008-10-08T12:21:00.003-06:00

Futurama: The Beast With A Billion Backs

Directed by David X. Cohen

All right, the second of four new Futurama direct to DVD features begins some six months after the events in Bender’s Big Score. Mankind cowers in terror at a searing rend in space/time that looms menacingly over the Earth…

Futurama is my favorite series ever. Over its four seasons it proved to be funny, and clever, and able to bring its audience from gut-aching hilarity to tears in just seconds (“Jurassic Bark” I’m looking at you!) It’s tough sometimes to be completely objective when I’ve been such a passionate fan for years, but here goes.

The Beast With A Billion Backs is a satisfying tale, yet when compared to some of the best stories in the series, it comes off as just a little better than mediocre. There are some good twists and turns, The League of Robots is super cool, and Bender as a Pirate is just plain awesome.

The Beast With A Billion Backs is presented in a slick, clean 1.78:1 anamorphic aspect ratio that, to be perfectly honest makes one wonder why they didn’t shoot the WHOLE SERIES like this. The Dolby Digital 5.1 soundtrack was passable, but nothing extraordinary. Where these Futurama DVDs really shine is in the special features. This disc includes a hilarious commentary track with creators Matt Groening and David X. Cohen, actors Billy West, DiMaggio, Maurice LaMarche, co-writer Michael Rowe, director Peter Avanzino, and producers Claudia Katz and Lee Supercinsk, The Lost Adventure, which is all the cut scenes from the XBOX Futurama game that came out a few years back, as well as animatics, deleted scenes, bloopers, 3-D models, A Brief History of Deathball, and more.

Fans of the series rejoice, Futurama is not dead yet, and hopefully if the rest of these DVDs do well, we will be treated to many more adventures in the future.

A Four, out of Five.

Sony BDP S500 Review

2008-10-03T12:42:00.001-06:00

Those who know me know I’ve been a Sony honk for more than two decades now and have spent much more than my share of good money on Sony electronics and other consumer products. This is why it pains me to say that I might just be freaking DONE with them!

My latest purchase back in March was the BDP S500 Blu-ray Disc player. For the first three months it worked perfectly. The picture quality is awesome, the sound equally so, and the up-conversion makes regular DVDs look beautiful.

Then about ninety days in little things started happening. Little things like the player freezing up during the playback of DVDs and BDs. At first I thought it was because of dirty discs, but upon checking, I found them to be without dust, or smear.

I called tech support and they claimed it MUST be the discs. So I thought maybe they are right… it could be something like that, who the fuck knows right?

A couple of months passed and the player was free from defects… then last month a new problem cropped up. Some discs were refusing to play. After the laborious five minute boot up the S500 makes me wait through, (I was in the habit of turning on the machine, going to grab a beer and snacks, before the disc try even opens, then putting in the disc, vacuuming the floors, or raking the lawn, or doing the dishes before the disc finally spooled up) the front loaded trailers and ads would play, then the main menu screen would pop up. Only there was no cursor on the screen, and there was nothing I could do except to power down the player, not from the remote, but the power button on the unit itself, wait five minutes and try again. Usually the second time it worked. Then the random freezing began again, and I have HAD IT! And before anybody shoots their mouths off about it, YES I have applied all necessary firmware updates and it seems to make absolutely no difference to the way the player functions, boot up and load times are still ridiculous, the player is still frequently buggy.

For what this unit cost it is the WORST piece of equipment I have ever had the displeasure of fighting with. And I shouldn’t have to fight with it. It’s not like I bought a POS Sampo or Curtis discount BD player at a fucking Wal-Mart!

Anyway, I am taking this POS back to the Sony store on Saturday and we shall see where the cookie crumbles from there…

Prepare to be Reviewed

2008-09-22T12:47:00.005-06:00

STAR WARS: The Force Unleashed
Dev. Lucasarts
All Platforms

The Force Unleashed was one of the most anticipated titles of the year, and after being delayed no less than twice, finally made it to stores September 16th. The game follows the untold story of Darth Vader’s Secret Apprentice, “Starkiller” as he tracks down the last of the Jedi in between movie episodes III, and IV.

The overall story is very good with just enough twists and turns to keep one interested right to the closing credits. In fact I will go as far to say the game’s storyline is not only better than the Clone Wars theatrical release, but also head and tail above the entire Prequel Trilogy as a whole. But maybe I’m biased. I always enjoyed the so-called “Classis Trilogy” era of the saga more because I grew up with it and this game has a definite “used galaxy” look and feel to it that the Prequel Trilogy lacked. I don’t want to go off on a rant here, but imagine the kind of animated flick Star Wars fans could have got if George would have thrown fat “Ratatouille” like cash at Lucas Animation and told them to make a slick, realistically styled CG movie based on the story of The Force Unleashed… but I digest. The voice acting is good all around, and Sam Witwer gives an exceptionally strong performance as Starkiller, and any game that feature Jimmy Freakin’ Smits can’t be all that bad, can it?

Which brings me to the game play; it’s mediocre at best, and downright annoying at its worst, although to be fair, I did have only one “controller throwing moment.” In The Force unleashed the camera is NEVER your friend. Ever. Many times even sticking you in spots where you cannot see, or figure out where the hell you are, or what the hell is attacking you. The battle with Vader near the end gives you crappy stationary camera with only one crappy angle making it almost (but obviously not quite) impossible to launch the attacks you need to uses to defeat him. Then there are the Real Time Events… ung… following the annoying industry trend, The Force Unleashed has many, many, many, many RTE’s in which you are prompted to press (on the XBOX 360 of which this review is based) X, then B, then Y, then A, etc, etc, to create a Pre-Rendered finishing move. I hate RTE’s in games because they take the game play out of my hands, instead of defeating a Boss the way I want to, I get stuck with something the game designers think “looks cool.” While sometimes they do, there are so few of these animations in the game that if you’ve watched it once, you’ve pretty much seen it all.

To its credit, the game looks and sounds awesome, but for all they hype and all they waiting this game put me through, I was a little disappointed that it never aspired to be anything more than a standard “hack ‘n slash” game with Force powers. The Force powers in the game, as awesome as they are, (and they are wicked cool believe you me, thanks in part to naturalmotion's Euphoria engine) still cannot save this game from being any more that just mediocre.

Three screaming Stormtroopers out of Five.

But, if I were to review the story separately from the game play, it would have gotten a Five, proving once again no matter how much game development studios poo-poo the thought of hiring good writers for games, a good story is still a very important element in the overall gaming experience. Lucasarts has bucked the industry trend with this game delivering a great story, with less than stellar game play.

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2008-08-18T12:27:00.005-06:00

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Directed by Dave Filoni

Man, Star Wars fandom are a fickle bunch, well US American Star Wars fandom anyways, judging by how few went out to see this flick this weekend on the big screen.

Lets get the B.S. over with first, I know this is just the first three episodes of the new TV series re-edited into a 95minute flick. This DID NOT have even a quarter the budget of something like Ratatouille so lets not even make such a ridonkulous comparison. In other words, all you haters out there living in your parent's basements blogging on rotten tomatos with the "brilliant" observation that "the animation sucks" can just shut your drooling trogladitic traps right now beacause I don't want to hear it.

As a kid when I first saw Star Wars, I always wished that some day there would be a cartoon series made. In the mid eighties we got Droids, and Ewoks shows that lets be honest, were less than stellar. Then came the Clone Wars Micro-Series, this was more like it! Action, adventure, and most of all, FUN seemed to have returned to Star Wars on the small screen.

Which brings me back to this flick: I loved it. I loved it because I love Star wars and I love cartoons. Especially cartoons with lots of explosions in them. If you don't like either Star Wars, or cartoons, then you will not like this, it's that simple. It was pretty much everything I was expecting, except for maybe a stronger plot, but it still managed to get me even more charged up for the new TV series debuting this fall. What more could you want? This flick is FUN, and arguably better than Phantom Menace, so you can't really go wrong.

Star Wars: Clone Wars gets THREE exploding battle droids out of FIVE.

Brett Farvre Signs With Toronto Argonauts!

2008-08-05T16:38:00.002-06:00

Yeah, no.

Not really, but stay tuned for some new Monkey Brained madness later in the week! Sorry to my three readers for being the lazy bastard that I am!

Clean Sweep?

2008-07-03T12:10:00.000-06:00

Ah, it’s that time of the year again, the crazy, hazy, lazy days of early summer where the streets are clean and the bums are… hey where are the bums anyway???

If you live or work downtown, you know that in the last few years Calgary has been the summer holiday destination for bums from all over the country. They love it here, the warm weather, the clear blue sky, all the change they can steal from working people, but where are they right now??

Yes, that’s right! It’s time for the annual Pre-Stampede Bum Clear-out! It’s that happy time of year when the cops, or the city in some other unknown and perhaps insidious fashion, gathers up the majority of the vagrants, pan-handlers, and bums and effectively hides them away somewhere until after Stampede

Where do they go? Nobody knows.

All I know for sure is they are not in the inner city anymore.

So I give you that to chew on, and bid you good day, and Happy Stampede!

Yee-Haw.

Water World

2008-06-13T17:16:00.000-06:00

So it’s close to the end of week one of my four week “water-world health experiment.” I decided to drink nothing but WATER in place of my usual AMPs and Red Bulls and coffee in an (perhaps foolish) attempt to flush the impurities out of my biological system.

I’m not certain if it counts as the absolute worst decision I ever made in my life, but it’s got to be pretty damn close. I’ve never felt so tired and run down as I have this past week. I suppose I just never realized how much I depended on that good mornin’ jolt of caffeine and other delicious nutrients supplied by my energy drinks and the extra kick in the pants that mid-morning coffee gave me.

Every night this week around eight-thirty I began feeling as if the gravity well of the Earth was sucking me down to the molten core, the very life essence being sucked clean out of me. I would begin to feel aches and pains that made me just want to crawl into bed, as well as a miserable headache that would come and go seemingly at random. It’s true what they say; the detox is worse than the addiction!

Oh, hideous misery!

I don’t know how long I can keep this up, but I hope to make it the whole four weeks! I need me AMPs and Red Bulls and to a lesser extent, me coffee! Help me! Think “energizing” thoughts for me, as I appear to need all the help I can get if I am to survive the next three weeks!

Lond Ho Respite

2008-05-14T12:28:00.002-06:00

J.C. Hunter reached down and pulled up on his skull-covered socks and continued to stare at the disorganized pile of jewel cases, and loose Compact Discs that sat, stacked haphazardly on the gritty, hardwood floor in front of the five-disc player. It drove him crazy that his friends seemed to have no sense of order when it came to things like this.

Hunter thought about the flat he was sharing with Bill back at The London House Apartments. There one would never find a book, a CD, or Betamax video that wasn’t in alphabetical order on the shelves, well Hunter’s shelves anyway. Bill tended to keep his stuff in no particular order, but at least the CDs were in their cases where they belonged.

The more Hunter thought about the “Lond Ho” flat the happier he was. As far as he was concerned he had three things to be happy about. Number one, Living downtown, “were the fucking action is” as he was fond of saying. Two was working for the Cosmodemonic Security Company, a job that although it did suck, it only did so when he was there. And third was the fact that he made just enough money to eat, and get pished with his buddies three times a week, which in his opinion was “just about right.”

What was there to be sad about? The truth was Hunter couldn’t think of anything, and in a way he kind of missed the comfort in being sad, because as he reasoned it, when you are at rock bottom, wallowing in your own pit of depression and self loathing the only way to go was up.

Hunter shut his eyes for a moment and listened to the Pixies kissing mermaids and riding the el Niño. Just as he was about to stand and pour himself another drink, his buddy Paco reached over and yanked a CD from the middle of the pile, sending the rest tumbling to the hardwood floor, skittering and rolling.

“Man, be careful. You don’t want to scratch your discs.” Hunter said as he headed towards the fridge.

Paco just shrugged and slurred drunkenly, “Ah whaddareyagonnado?”

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2008-05-02T12:21:00.002-06:00

IRON MAN
Directed by Jon Favreau

Last year @ San Diego Comic-Con the first teaser for this flick hit and immediately every Fan-Boy, and Fan-Grrl in North America got that “special feeling” down below. I was just kind of “meh” about the whole thing. I had never read any of the comics (still haven’t actually, as I had no desire to color my expectations before seeing the flick), but I knew the jist of the story was drunken, genius, spoiled brat builds suit and fights crime.

Fast forward to April 30th 2K8. A year of hype has, I have to say, gotten my ass excited about this flick, and with Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark (could that casting be any more perfect? I think not!), and Jon Favreau directing need I say more? So when a buddy of mine from the Calgary Sun called me at 3:30pm on Wednesday and said he had an extra pass for the premiere that night I was all “hells yeah!”

What can I say about this flick other than BELIEVE THE HYPE. Iron Man is a different kind of comic book flick, and by different I mean in a good way. The action, which is freaking second to none by the way takes a back seat to the character development, the mood, and the atmosphere, but let us not forget the humor. This flick is hilarious when it should be, and somber when it needs to be, and this is good because without the funny elements it could have ended up as another X3: The Last Stand, and we all know how much that flick sucked ass.

The 2 hour and 6 minute running time just blows by with no extraneous scenes. This is not just a good “comic book flick,” it is a great film period, end of. My only disappointment comes not from the film itself, but with the theater. After waiting patiently to the end of the closing credits with breathless anticipation of Samuel L. Jackson’s cameo as Nick Fury of SHIELD, the projectionist cut the flick prematurely leaving me all WTF????!!

Ah, well guess I’ll just have to wait until it comes out on BluRay to enjoy that last scene. For being a great flick that far exceeded my expectations, Iron Man gets a Four out of Five. Go see it kids; it rocks all kinds of roll.

Doom! DOOM!! And Other Stories

2008-04-24T12:54:00.004-06:00

Chilled Monkey Brainz from its inception in 1999, then known as “Jaeger’s Rants,” was never meant to be anything more than “Short Stories, Flick Reviews, Rants, and Raves.” It was never meant to be a forum for serious, (or not so serious, as the case may be) discussion. To be honest, I am perfectly happy to have the fan page for that sort of thing. However, today we were supposed to have part two of the Summer Flick Preview, but instead you are getting this because I do believe it is an important issue to discuss.

The biggest fallacy of the Global Warming Doomsayers is the erroneous assertion that carbon dioxide is a pollutant, which it is not. Carbon dioxide (CO2) is a colourless, odourless, tasteless, non-toxic gas which is essential to all life on Earth. All green vegetation requires carbon dioxide as plant food, and the process of photosynthesis, in which plants take in carbon dioxide, absorb solar radiation, store the carbon and emit oxygen. As concentrations of carbon dioxide increase, the rates of growth of plants also increase. Flowers and vegetables grown in hothouses are frequently fed with extra carbon dioxide for faster growth and higher yields. This is science fact, not fiction.

Every time a story on global warming is featured on TV, either a background image of a cooling tower from a power station, with its plume of minute water droplets above, or a smoke stack belching forth dark plumes of soot, ash, and other particulates, is shown. In this mendacious way, carbon dioxide is identified as a serious pollutant, and the USA and Canada are always labeled as the world’s greatest polluters. Mark Steyn said “In the past third of a century, the American economy has swollen by 150 per cent, automobile traffic has increased by 143 per cent, and energy consumption has grown 45 per cent. During this same period, air pollutants have declined by 29 per cent, toxic emissions by 48.5 per cent, sulphur dioxide levels by 65.3 per cent, and airborne lead by 97.3 per cent.”(1)

One of the other things that bugs me is when people like Al Gore say that ”Unless anthropogenic (that means HUMAN for you that don't know - Jaeger) emissions of carbon dioxide are reduced by 50–60 per cent of current levels by the year 2050, by 2100 our descendants will have to endure global temperatures of between 1.4 to 5.8°C warmer than the present.”

This claim is at the heart of the global warming scam. It is based on projections
coming out of models run on the most powerful computers which purport to simulate the behaviour of the atmosphere as it responds to changes in carbon dioxide concentrations. The claim that computer models can do this and produce meaningful results is regarded as nonsense by leading scientists in the fields of fluid mechanics, numerical modeling of complex systems, and climate science.

For example, Hendrik Tennekes, wrote recently, “the task of finding all nonlinear feedback mechanisms in the microstructure of the radiation balance probably is at least as daunting as the task of finding the proverbial needle in the haystack. The blind adherence to the harebrained idea that climate models can generate ‘realistic’ simulations of climate is the principal reason why I remain a climate skeptic. From my background in turbulence I look forward with grim anticipation to the day that climate models will run with a horizontal resolution of less than a
kilometer. The horrible predictability problems of turbulent flows then will
descend on climate science with a vengeance.”

Reid Bryson, Emeritus Professor at the University of Wisconsin, and regarded by
many climatologists as the ‘father of climatology’ has written, “A model is nothing more than a formal statement about how the modeler believes the part of the world of his concern actually works … it may be years before computer capacity and human knowledge are adequate for reasonable simulation … the main models in use all have similar errors, but it is hardly surprising, for they are all essentially clones of each other.”

Australia’s Bill Kininmonth, director of the National Climate Centre from 1986 to
1998, writes, “The apparent ability of the computer models to simulate the global surface
temperatures of the 20th century comes with too many assumptions and
shortcomings. Despite the IPCC advocacy, it is not possible to isolate
anthropogenic greenhouse gases as the cause (or even a major cause) for
the observed warming of the last two and a half decades of the 20th century.
The world-wide advance of mountain glaciers until the mid-19th century,
and their steady retreat since, point toward large-scale natural processes
systematically affecting the climate system over prolonged intervals.
Whether the systematic processes are internal to the climate system, an
outcome of external forcing, or a combination of these, cannot be
determined with any confidence from existing data and analysis tools. As a
corollary, the sensitivity of the earth’s temperature response to greenhouse
gas forcing cannot be scaled by reference to the magnitude of recent global
temperature increase and the forcing by anthropogenic greenhouse gases
as represented in computer model simulations of the 20th century.”(2)

Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that the Earth goes through periods of climate change, just look at the history of the planet as proof of that. One hundred million years ago the Earth was a much warmer place than it is now, and there were no people, or SUVs. Ten thousand years ago there was a great Ice Age, and a smaller one just over five thousand years ago, and in the seventies David Suzuki was saying we were defiantly heading into another, but these days the money is in “warming” and the so-called threat that it represents and that is why the media is all over the Global Warming scam these days.

If this isn’t enough for you, check out this: http://globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=viewArticle&code=20070315&articleId=5086

And let me know what you think in the Chilled Monkey Brainz Fan Page.
See you tomorrow!

(1) The London Daily Telegraph, December 6, 2K5
(2) Bill Kininmonth, Climate Change: A Natural Hazard, Multi-Science Publishing Co. Ltd, UK, pages 192–3.
Some material excerpted from “The Nine Lies about Global Warming” by Ray Evans.

Repair To Be Previewed

2008-04-23T12:53:00.008-06:00

Well, the Flames season is over, albeit too soon for me, but in the immortal words of Brody Bruce: “You face forward, or risk shock and damage!” So here is the second annual Chilled Monkey Brainz

SUMMER FLICK PREVIEW!

MAY 2, 2K8

IRON MAN
Directed by Jon Favreau

Based on the Marvel Comic, Inventor and overall rich prick, Tony Stark played by Robert Downey Jr. (isn’t it nice to see he’s finally got his shit together?) dons his most powerful creation, a high-tech suit of armor, to fight Mandarin, an evil scientific genius bent on (what else?) taking over the world. Who isn’t excited about this one? I am, and I never even read the comics! I know, I know, I can already hear the cries of “blasphemy” coming from my comic geek buddies, but what the hell, I’m going to see the flick, that should be enough for you! Throw in Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury, and this one should be a no brainer.

Son of Rambow
Directed by Garth Jennings

A shy kid growing up in a sheltered British community makes teams up with a schoolmate and attempts to film his own shot-by-shot version of First Blood.
This flick was pretty well received at Sundance and is getting a limited North American release, so if it plays in your town you should check it out, it looks like a lot of fun.

MAY 9, 2K8

Speed Racer
Directed by Andy and Larry Wachowski

Based on the Japanese Anime of the same name, the story follows an uber-skilled young race car driver who belongs to a family of gear-heads, is blackmailed by the head of the nefarious corporation Royalton Industries to participate in The Crucible – a nasty cross-country rally that claimed his brother's life years before. Behind the wheel of the Mach 5, his father's greatest invention, “Speed” goes head-to-head with his chief rival, the mysterious, yet strangely familiar Racer X. Gotta admit, even though I am a HUGE Anime and Manga Otaku, I had very little interest in this flick, until about three weeks ago when I saw the trailer on HDNet, now I am all over it. And even though the marginally talented brothers behind the Matrix Trilogy are directing it, I still want to see it. Go Speed Racer Go!

MAY 16, 2K8

Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Directed by Andrew Adamson

With an evil king ruling over Narnia, the Pevensie children are summoned to help restore the throne to its rightful heir, Prince Caspian. Not interested at all in this flick but I do know some folk who are so here it is. I never read these books as a child, and didn’t much enjoy the first flick.

MAY 23, 2K8

The one we’ve all been waiting for…

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Chrystal Skull
Directed by Steven Spielberg

Man that title is a freaking mouthful isn’t it? The studio is keeping a pretty tight lid on the plot for this one, which I predict will have a Kingdom, a Chrystal Skull and Indy’s son played by Shia LeBeouf somewhere in it, but alas no Nazis this time. You may quote me on this one. The closer this one comes to release, the more excited I seem to be getting, who would’ve thought!

That’s it for May 2K8 releases, check in again next week for June, and possibly July!

Environmentalcases

2008-04-21T11:59:00.004-06:00

Happy Earth Day to all you grubby, lazy, socialist, hippy, sandal-wearing whiners and global warming, fear-mongering liars!

It's FREEZING here in Calgary and since Friday we've had about a foot of snow! Huzzah!

For everyone else out there not caught up in the lie of global warming, Happy Earth Day! Well all know that Mankind's influence on the climate is insignificant at best, and it is BEYOND ARROGANCE to believe that humans could destroy anything as gigantic, complex, and powerful as the Planet Earth.

Remember when a well-paid, mouth-piece like David Suzuki spouts off about how "doomed" we are he is no different than some nutcase fundementalist preacher screaming "Repent sinners! The End is Near!" And the preacher probably has more evidence to prove his point!

But what the hell!

Make up your own mind, don't just take Al Gore's word for it! He's a millionare who made heaps off this global warming scam!

Robert J. Sawyer Alienates Fans

2008-03-28T12:18:00.002-06:00

Attend any Science Fiction Convention and check the program and you will find an panel called “The State of Fandom,” or the always shocking, “Is Fandom DEAD????” I have attended more than my share of these panels of which the upshot invariably is a rousing, “NO! Fandom is NOT DEAD!” These panels are usually on the Sunday and are most likely meant to send convention goers home with a warm and fuzzy feeling in their gut-meats.

I agree that fandom is not dead, in fact for the last fifteen or so years it seems that the Science Fiction Genre has been gaining greater prominence not only on mainstream television with channels like Space: The Imagination Station in Canada, and the SciFi Network in the United States, and Hollywood seems to have changed it’s collective mind about the genre as well, green-lighting more Science Fiction projects every year. Sure, not all of them have high quality writing, and for the most part flicks based on books are pale reflections of their literary counterparts, but they are still enjoyable escapes right? Doesn’t this in itself prove that Science Fiction in all forms is becoming more popular with the masses?

Not really, says Canadian Science Fiction writer Robert J. Sawyer who is determined, along with a large group of neo Sci-Fi Lit fans, to drive a huge wedge between themselves and fans of wider ranges of Science Fiction and Fantasy.

According to Sawyer and is rabidly loyal fan-base, the only real Science Fiction comes from paper-bound books (presumably his) only, and any other media including e-books, graphic novels, television, and film are “the single worst thing that has ever happened to the science fiction genre. I say that without reservation or without hesitation.”

At a recent lecture Sawyer spoke of the film adaptations of The Lord of the Rings and referred to as what he perceives as the “two kinds of (Science Fiction and Fantasy) fans: those who read the books and were wary of the films, and those who never read the books and loved the films.”

I find it strange that Sawyer, who always struck me a rather intelligent man, would make such a generalization about the fans, the people to whom he owes his very career.

He goes on to say in an interview with SciFi Dimensions that he “question(s) the clarity of thought of those who put on the Mr. Spock ears or the Stormtrooper costume (and) the clown with a lobster on his forehead pretending to be a Klingon." He goes on to say that groups of fans who like to celebrate fandom through the hard work of constructing a costume and having fun wearing them are nothing more than "arrested, overweight adolescent who’s putting on a Halloween costume, and it’s nowhere near October 31st.”

I gotta say I have to question Mr. Sawyer’s clarity of thought when he lets loose these kinds of blasts against the very fans that read his books. Even animals know not to defecate where they sleep. I wonder if RJS even realizes what he is saying when he bashes Sci-Fi film, television, the books that spring from them, and the fans that enjoy them. He claims that the Sci-Fi genre is on the decline, yet the sections in bookstores showcasing Science Fiction and Fantasy are growing bigger every day! I remember, not too long ago either when there were one or two shelves devoted to the genre, and now there are whole sections in the stores deticated to the genre that are iterally overflowing! Does it even occur to Sawyer that Television programs like Battlestar Galactica are introducing new generations of fans to the genre? Does he not realize that these new fans will be more likely to gravitate towards the Science Fiction and Fantasy section of the bookstore and possibly buy one of his books? That’s how it started for me anyway. Back in 1977 I saw Star Wars in the theatre and since that moment I have been a big fan of all things Sci-Fi, from novels (including among others, his books) to comics, from short fiction to television, and movies.

Until hearing one of Mr. Sawyer’s talks at a local convention I honestly had no idea he was trying so actively to perpetuate a vicious “Us vs. Them” attitude amongst fans at a time when we should be united, and all the stronger for it.

Which brings us back to the initial question: Is Fandom Dead? The answer is still no, but with well known, well liked writers like Sawyer determined to alienate fans and drive wedges between them, Science Fiction and Fantasy fandom as we know it may not have many years left in it.

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2008-03-14T13:07:00.004-06:00

No Country For Old Men
Directed by Joel and Ethan Coen

Winner of this year’s Oscar for Best Picture, as well as for Best Director, Best Supporting Actor and Best Adapted Screenplay, No Country For Old Men is not only critically acclaimed, but one hell of a good flick.

The story begins with hunter Llewelyn Moss (Josh Brolin, The Goonies, Planet Terror) coming across a drug deal gone wrong out in the desert. He finds a case filled with about two million bucks, and soon finds himself being tracked down by a psycho “cleaner” known as Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem, Before Night Falls), who is being tracked himself by Sheriff Ed Tom Bell (Tommy Lee Jones, Men In Black).

The Coens love for great dialog shows through in their Oscar winning screenplay, and the flick is shot with the care and beauty that we have all come to expect from a Coen Brothers Film.

The Blu-ray transfer is sharp, pristine, and looks fantastic even running at 1080i (which is all my current TV can muster), and the audio is equally awesome, with this disc giving us a near perfect PCM 5.1 Uncompressed track, as well as a slick sounding 5.1 Dolby Digital track.

Unfortunately the bonus material is lacking, including only three little featurettes where the actor sit around masturbating about what great Directors the Coen Brothers are and how great the material was. Pretty standard fluff really.

The conclusion is No Country For Old Men gets a Four out of Five for the flick, and a Two out of Five for extras. For those of you ready to start a Blu-ray collection, go out and get it! Now! I command you!

UPDATE!!!

2008-02-01T12:44:00.000-07:00

There are some days when it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed, like last Tuesday. I hit the “ignore bar” on the clock radio four or five times and pleaded with The Grrl to play hooky just this once. Outside the temperature was hovering somewhere around –37c and the wind chill made it feel closer to –50c. This was not a day to be out if it could at all be helped. One more time I tried my best to cajole The Grrl into taking the day off only to get the old, “I have to go in,” routine that is ever so prevalent in our “work your ass off your whole life and retire only when you are ready to die” Western Society that we live in.

I bundled up and headed out into a white wilderness of snow, blowing snow, and sub-zero winds that tore at every millimeter of exposed flesh. I trudged through the icy plain toward the parking lot. After nearly twenty seconds of struggling with the block heater cord, I finally managed to pull the plug from the extension cord, snapping off the brittle plastic prong cover in the process. Looking at it grimly in my mitted hand I hoped it wasn’t a harbinger of things to come.

The truck started no problem, so I struggled back towards the condo, icy snow blowing across my face like heavy-grit sandpaper. Tearing open the storm door against the wind I finally managed to get my frozen carcass back inside.

Twenty minutes later we were off, late again, The Grrl driving me into work. At the bottom of the hill a white car sat, abandoned, its emergency lights blinking slowly, ready to give up the ghost. In this kind of cold, nothing survives for long.

At an intersection two blocks from the main causeway a school bus in front of us slows down, then moves into the right lane to turn. It begins its turn, slowly, surely and just as we are passing a blue Windstar appears from out of nowhere in front of us, having ran the stop sign.

I don’t remember if I said anything, but remember hearing The Grrl shouting “Ohnoohnoohnoohnohno!” I reacted, grabbing the Holy Shit Handle™, bracing for collision, and the inevitable explosion of powder and airbag that I expected would be hitting me in my grill at any second.

The Windstar hit us in the front, closer to the passenger side and drilled us back and to the side. The air bags didn’t deploy, perhaps because we weren’t going any more than twenty at the moment of impact. That said, the truck was un-drivable, as the Windstar’s bumper hit at an angle, completely destroying the radiator and the transmission cooler.

I got out and started shouting at the other driver, waving my arms around and ranting at this point not knowing if it was man, woman, or child. When the woman emerged (what a surprise) and started saying it wasn’t her fault because she was trying to see around the school bus, I lost it and inquired quite loudly as to whether she was “a fucking retard, or what?”

I called the police and they sent someone out quick, along with a HAZMAT fire truck to clean up the coolant still spraying from our punctured radiator. It took an hour for the Police to take our statements, and issue the retarded female driver of the Windstar a ticket for leaving a stop sign when it was unsafe to do so.

We were only five blocks from home, and the sun was now shining on this wonderful day so we decided to limp the truck home, drink a cup of coffee and call the insurance company. As we sat there on the leather couch, sipping our hot, steamy brew I said to The Grrl, “I bet you wish you’d stayed in bed.”

She looked at me and laughed.

Baked Badz

2008-01-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

As much as Hunter was a full-on Grinch when it came to celebrating X-mas, he was a sucker for the delicious “baked bads” that always showed up by the hundreds in the lunchroom at work.

On the last Thursday before “Holiday Shut-Down,” Hunter found himself strolling about the building, continuously moving. Like the Great White Shark, he felt that to stop at this point would be to invite death.

It was only a little after 11:00 in the morning, the hunger for lunch came over him early that day, and his only hope for survival (or so he felt) was to get on into the lunchroom and check for high calorie snack items.

Hunter shoved the doors open, starling the three fellow X-mas snack scavengers crowded around the big table inside.

“Hey,” one of the drones called out, “Sally brought in some Christmas baking!”

Hunter nodded and circled the table to see that indeed, there was an all new pile of baked goodies including (but not limited to) Nanaimo Bars, Short Bread Cookies, and moist, delicious, Two-Bite Brownies. He tore a strip of paper-towel from the roll and grabbed one of each of the various cookies, bars and goodies, as well as a Double Choco doughnut left over from the case he brought in that morning.

Before exiting the lunchroom, Hunter snagged one last item, and feeling like a rebel, took the Two-Bite Brownie into his grill, crushing it in one mighty bite before returning to his desk with his pilfered, pre-lunch feast.

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2007-12-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

Futurama: Bender’s Big Score

It’s back baby! And its about freaking time.

But first, a bit of history. Ever since Fox first put Futurama on the air, I always had the feeling that the Brainless Corporate Retards™ running the network not only had no idea what they had, but no idea what the hell to do with it. Ultimately I would once again be proved right!

Futurama’s original time slot, sandwiched between ratings monsters, The Simpsons, and The X-Files was the best place for it. It was getting great ratings, good buzz, and Emmy nominations to boot. All signs pointed to a long, successful run, one day even taking over the coveted Simpsons time-slot one day.

So the genius at Fox Corporate decided to move it. Two or three times, never letting the viewing public know when or where the show might turn up next, until they eventually sticking the show with the murderous Sunday at seven time-slot head to head against 60minutes. That is if it wasn’t pre-empted randomly by football, or baseball, or whatever crappy Fox Sunday Movie they decided to cram onto the slot. Then they wondered why Futurama wasn’t getting the ratings they wanted it to.

I can see why these Fox execs make the kind of money they do, what with their fingers being so far from the pulse of what is hip, edgy, witty, and cool. So far from the pulse of pop culture, one might think their fingers were mostly shoved up their collective asses!

This all changed one day when the single brain-celled collective known as Fox Corporate noticed that Futurama, a show they despised, kicked in the nuts, then unceremoniously cancelled, was getting HUGE ratings in syndication on the Cartoon Network in the USA and Teletoon in Canada, oh and it was also making them HUGE BANK in DVD sales worldwide. So, with caps in hand they crawled back to Matt Groening and David X. Cohen and begged them to make a deal.

The result is a four DVD deal, the first of which is Bender’s Big Score. Oh man, what can I say about this apart from YES!!!! This is what Futuramafan™ has been waiting for since those idiots cancelled the show.

The whole cast returns for this feature length film that finds the earth conquered by a group of naked alien identity thieves. Without giving too much away, the Planet Express™ crew get naked, the secret of time travel is revealed (on Fry’s ass), and Leela meets the only man she will ever love.

The DVD includes an awesome commentary featuring Matt Groening, David X. Cohen, Billy West, and many others. The picture has a sharp 16x9 enhanced transfer, and a decent Dolby 5.1 surround mix. Disc One extras include a live comic book reading by the cast, a full-length episode of Everybody Loves Hypnotoad, deleted storyboard scenes, 3-D turnaround models, and a heap of other things. Disc Two extras include storyboard animatics, layout animatics, and a preview of volume 2: “The Beast With A Billion Backs.”

For being everything I want it to be and more, Futurama: Bender’s Big Score gets a Five out of Five. Disc extras also get a Five out of Five, which makes this a definite BUY!

Go get it. NOW!!!

TechNoSavy

2007-12-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

Hunter leaned in between the two choads sitting at the bar and signaled his buddy, Bartender Ian, for another round. The choad to his left winced visibly and blew his cigarette smoke in Hunter’s general direction. Hunter rolled his eyes thinking: what a stupid fuckhead, when the drinks arrived. Left choad gave Hunter’s elbow a bump as he was backing up with the three pints in his hands, causing a minor spillage.

“Come on! If you can’t hold your pints get the fuck out of here!” Left Choad growled, feeling suddenly tough now that Hunter’s hands were full.

Hunter thought of dumping the drinks on him, but that would be a waste, instead he just let go a string of expletives at him, the crackling of the smokeater punctuating his every word.

“Look you filthy, cocksucking turd, just because its your fucking time of the month is no reason to be a total prick! So either shut your noise tube, or I’ll shut it for you!”

Left Choad just stared for a second, unable to speak. Right Choad, who was clearly a friend of Left Choads, but was talking on his brick-like StarTac(TM) mobile phone, suddenly started to take an interest.

Hunter turned and put the pints down on the counter beside the booth where he and his droogs, Bill Williams, and Fred Sharpe were stuck in for the night.

Bartender Ian called out from behind the bar: “Everything okay Hunter?”

“I dunno,” said Hunter, turning to Left Choad, “is there?”

Left Choad looked around and shook his head.

“Didn’t think so.” Said Hunter, returning to the drinks at hand.

He sat down at the table and continued on with the conversation the he and his droogan brothers were having before they ran out of beer.

“So, they’re called DVD’s and – “

Bill cut in, “Dee Vee Deez? Any relation to Rick Dees?”

“One might think so, but no. Yeah, so Digital Versatile Discs is what the acronym stands for. They’re like the size of CD’s but you can fit a whole movie on them without flipping it over.”

Fred took a sip of his draught and shook his head, “Won’t last. Can’t record on them. It’ll be just another fad, like your LaserDiscs.”

Hunter swallowed some ale, “How can you say LaserDiscs are a fad? They’ve been on the market for over ten years! They’re HUGELY popular! Video and Sound’s whole store is basically Laser movies with the few crappy VHS tapes they have left shoved in the back of the store! And that’s just one place in town!”

“Who here even has a LaserDisc player besides you anyway?” Bill wanted to know, taking a drag off his DuMaurier King Size.

Hunter didn’t need to take a second before answering, “MacGreggor of course.”

Fred stubbornly shook his head as he put out his Player’s Light, “Nope. MacGreggor isn’t here with us tonight. He doesn’t count!”

“Oh… “

“Nope!”

“…come…”

“Nope!”

“…on!”

“Nope!”

“Shut the fuck up!”

“Nope! Go back to Gutamala, Tech Monkey!” Fred continued.

“Alright enough, the both of you!” Bill grumbled.

Hunter took a long draught of ale and stared at Fred, “And it’s Technogeek okay? Get it right.”

There really was no time for arguing, as there was some serious drinking to be done...

InnerCity

2007-11-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

There was too much space, he decided, cowering in the basement in front of the big TV. For weeks he tried to get clear in his head just what it was that was making him feel uneasy, what was making his guts churn with every waking moment. The answer finally came as he shuffled, slowly down the quiet sidewalk and across the street to the local liquor emporium: space.

For all of his “adult” life Hunter lived in the inner city, surrounded by tall buildings, silvers, blues and grays, the streets always choked with traffic, the sidewalks full of people. The sky appearing to him in random shards between the sharp edges of the surrounding apartments, condos, and office skyscrapers, and the constant hum, throb, and white noise was ceaseless.

There was always a certain coziness in living DownTown™ that made Hunter feel at home, safe, even (dare he think it) happy. A kind of warmth that only the buildings, the noise, the people could provide. It always amused him when people he knew complained about these things, didn’t they realize they were living in the inner city? When his best friend, Emu said to him one night in the Ship and Anchor that it “never gets dark in the fucking prairies!” he had to check himself. For years he thought she was one of the smartest people he knew! “It’s not the fucking prairies toots, it the lights of the city, they never get switched off.” She had to admit it made sense.

Hunter stepped out of the store and on to the street, a few bucks down and a bottle of The Captain’s Finest dark rum wrapped in a paper bag under his arm. The sky seemed so huge up here on the ridge overlooking the freeway and the inner city. He ran quickly across the street even though he didn’t have to (no traffic!). The wind was tearing off the ridge, blowing the storm door into his arm as he tried to unlock the main door. On the third try he succeeded and showed his way into the house. Slamming both doors behind him, the only noise was the wind whistling through the window seals in the kitchen.

With a wholly unnecessary flourish, he threw off his alpaca overcoat and headed down the stairs to the basement.

Two Seasons: Cold and Freezing

2007-11-06T12:24:00.000-07:00

He stepped out into the cool, fall morning and shivered. Frost covered the city, making everything too cold to touch. Chunks of ice broke free from the handle as he lifted it and pulled open the door on his little frozen car,

He slid the key in the ignition and gave it a crank, the car came to life quickly as it always did and Hunter sat for a few moments, shivering, building up the courage to step outside and scrape the ice, and frost from the windows.

Switching on the radio he heard yet another ad encouraging him to add fruit to his cereal. BALLS!! He thought, Why should I ruin the taste of my delicious cereal with some filthy fruit?

Hunter reached up and adjusted the oversized rear view mirror and took a look at his dark reflection. He ran his hand through blond, scruffy hair then over three days beard growth and chuckled to himself.

Another day of looking California, and feeling Minnesota.

The Hangover Cure

2007-10-18T12:14:00.000-06:00

The alarm tore through his consciousness, blasting him into the land of the living with the overly loud voices of the local sports talk radio morning show. J.C. Hunter swung wildly at the clock radio, striking a glancing blow on the snooze button that was enough to shut it down for another nine minutes.

He sat up dizzy, his head aching, vision fuzzy, mouth dry, fingers tingling, and all over stinking like a drunken pirate.

Thursday night Hunter and his buddies hit the pubs, drinking rum and yo-ho-hoing like the buccaneers they all fancied themselves to be. They talked at length about how they were gonna quit their jobs, leave it all behind, buy a boat and live like pirates until the world died. It was a good dream, and one they often spoke of on a Thursday, or ThARRRsday as Hunter and his droogs called it when they went out for their weekly rum fix.

Hunter stood and nearly fell over. Maybe this morning he would call work and take a “personal” day, he thought and fell back into bed.

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2007-10-17T12:57:00.000-06:00

TRANSFORMERS
2 Disc Special Edition

The quick turnover from theater to DVD was a little unexpected, but not unwelcome for this summer blockbuster directed by Michael Bay.

The DVD is available three ways; a single disc bare bones edition, a two disc Special Edition, and a single disc HD-DVD release. The HD-DVD contains all the extras of the Two Disc edition as well as an exclusive text commentary, and some 3-D interactive renderings of the robots from the flick.

The video transfer is sharp, and the 5.1 Dolby Digital audio is as booming as you would expect from a Michael Bay flick. The commentary is surprisingly good considering how fucking insufferably arrogant Bay has been on past commentaries (The Island anyone?). Bay actually sounds (slightly) humble at times, when talking about how he should have done certain things better, and minces no words about how lame he thought The Allspark turned out.

The second disc is chock full of featurettes and documentaries and an amusing Easter Egg for those who like that sort of thing, and I do.

Okay enough of the praise, on with the dirty. Where are the deleted scenes that Bay mentions in the commentary and the featurettes? No where that’s where!

The Best Buy Exclusive set that I bought includes a 32-page booklet that’s full of pics you probably have already seen on the Internet and elsewhere, and a Hasbro Titanium Series Die Cast Figurine. According to the box there are four different figs available, and I pulled Optimus Prime.

The Flick remains a Three out of Five and the DVD extras rate a Four out of Five.

Final word? It’s a Buy.

Moving, Moving, Moving... AiYa!

2007-09-20T12:11:00.000-06:00

Rollergrrl Vki and I were in the right place at the right time this year and the upshot of it all is we were able to buy a place. A nice, semi-detached townhouse on the ridge

Most of our crap is in storage as the Grrl is determined to get every room painted before anything else is done. All I can do is steam in my own stress juices and wait for the other shoe to fall. The Grrl is convinced that there will be no shoe, but I am less than optimistic.

Things just aren’t moving fast enough for my ass. Every second I wait in the basement wondering if someone is going to knock on the door and kick my ass out of the place, telling me I don’t belong, that the world has no use for Children dressed like Adults playing house.

But we’re not playing are we. We actually bought a place. In this artificially over inflated real estate market we managed to get lucky.

I still can’t stop worrying. The stress and panic creeping into my guts when I pull out the key to a place that until recently belonged to the Grrlz sister.

Ah well… I’m sure someday I’ll get over it…

eventually.

AiYa!

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2007-09-06T12:39:00.000-06:00

He's serving up the hard cheese and doesn't care who knows, it's Jaeger and his review of

TRANSFORMERS THE GAME – Cybertron Edition
Activision
X-BOX 360

As a general rule, video games based on films either suck, or blow. Sometimes they even do both. Is this game the exception to the rule? Read on to find out.

For years in North America we have been stuck with Transformers games that have been mediocre at best, and though it might pain some to hear it, this game is no different.

I wanted to love this game, I really did! And considering the hype surrounding it I expected so much more.

Lets begin with the positives; the game is gorgeous, it looks truly next-gen from the character design of the Robots in Disguise themselves to the buildings, the sky, you name it, it looks sweet. The Transformation sequences are slick and quick allowing the gamer to zip back and forth from robot to vehicle and back in a flash, which is handy for levels of the game where you’re up against a timer. The environments are almost 100% destructible, which is fun because as we all know, blowing shit up, wrecking stuff, and hucking cars at enemy robots always makes for a good time.

Now for the not-so good points. The city is pretty big and fun to explore when not locked in a mission, but I still seemed to constantly be running my robot into the “invisible walls” that surround the environ. The driving controls for the vehicle mode Autobots are mushy and unresponsive at the best of times, and hideously floaty at worst. It’s almost as if so much time was spent making the game look beautiful, that some essential game play elements ended up slipping through the cracks. The robots in the game can do almost anything, from jumping, to climbing, and in some cases flying. They also have heavy and light projectile weapons at their disposal, but it really doesn’t matter, because EVERY TIME you use a ranged weapon, the enemy activate an impenetrable shield and you end up having to button mash your way through yet another melee battle.

The Cybertron Edition of the game costs about ten bucks more than the standard version and comes with a copy of the Transformers Movie Prequel comic book, codes for two extra levels that only work once you have finished either the Autobot or Decepticon campaigns and an extra disc containing movie trailers, some very short interviews with the voice actors including Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, and Peter Cullen. There is less material on the second disc than one sees on most single disc DVDs as far as extras go, and to be honest if I had known there would be so little I wouldn’t have bothered with the two disc edition.

For game play that too simple, and crappy extras on the bonus disc, Transformers the Game- Cybertron Edition gets a Two out of Five.

Ron Mexico

2007-08-27T15:52:00.000-06:00

So today NFL quarterback Michael Vick "apologised" for getting caught funding a nasty dog-fighting ring, and during his press confrence metioned that he had "found Jesus."

Hmmm...

I wasn't aware he was lost!

Sorry!

2007-08-22T00:06:00.001-06:00

I'm sorry, but I can't hear you over the sound of how AWESOME I am!!

Whee!

Pannin' Fer Change

2007-08-14T12:01:00.000-06:00

Was just listening to the radio and there was talk of how pan-handlers are getting more and more aggressive everywhere in Canada.

Some eighty-two year old guy in Vancouver was mugged and beaten after giving a bum five bucks, and in Toronto some poor bastard even got stabbed to death when he refused a vagrant's demand for change.

Aggressive panning in this filthy city has even got me to change where I walk downtown in order to avoid having to run certain "gauntlets" of "Bum Enclaves."

I have a better solution however.

The City should hire a buttload of Jehovah's Witnesses to run around down town harassing the bums! Eventually the panners will move on, because there is only so much anyone can take of the relentless JW's!

Moving Hell

2007-08-13T12:14:00.000-06:00

I never liked moving, and I never will. I will never forgive them for the death of my boy... wait, no that's Captain Kirk talking about Klingons.

Anyway I'm in the fucking middle of moving right now, a hideous chore at the best of times, but I'll see what I can scrape up for all three of you Monkeybrainz readers sometime this week.

The Official Star Wars Celebration IV Blog IV

2007-07-26T13:06:00.000-06:00

Day 3

May 25, 2K7

May 25th is the official opening of the convention as well as the 30th anniversary of STAR WARS, so what better way to spend it than getting into yet another line up! Like Stacy says: “It ain’t a Star Wars Convention unless you’re in a line up!”
Getting off the hotel shuttle was one small step for Jaeger, and one GIANT LINE FOR ADMISSION!

Got in and spend a big part of the day in collecting panels learning about such things as Peruvian Star Wars toys, bootlegs, the Vintage Micro Collection, and Vintage store displays. They handed out special Commemorative Coins at a couple of the panels and I got my first taste of ASSHOLE SCALPER FANBOY SCUM that day. The organizers were passing out coins to each row of attendees, each row having about nine seats, the idea being to take ONE and pass the rest down. They passed out a HUGE BUTTLOAD (the technical term for the measurement) to the first person in the row, and he took one and passed them on, as did the second person, and the third, but the fourth guy, the ASSHOLE SCALPER FANBOY SCUM pocketed the remainder. I sat for a second, stunned, then leaned over and said something like: “rot in hell scalper scum,” which he chose to ignore, coward that he was. Luckily I was able to flag down one of the Swag Hootchies and get coins for the rest of our row, including myself of course.

Afterwards I hit the lunge for a five-dollar beer before heading down to watch the LIVE taping of the STAR WARS AT 30 ATTACK OF THE SHOW special. When I arrive, an hour before taping is to begin there are about a MILLION undeserving choads standing in front of me, wallowing in their own crapulence and B.O. I would not be taking this! Wasting no time, I began shoving them aside to get closer to the set. Eventually the show began and there was one row of choads left, blocking me. Good job for me they were all shorter than me so I was able to see quite clearly… mostly.

One moron in particular stood beside me yakking away on his mobile phone for the first half hour of the show, telling his choadbuddy: “Hey! Hey, you know what G4 is? They have a cable channel I think! You got it? If you do look it’s me!!” Then he proceeded to call all his other friends repeating the same message while at the same time waving a huge, bright blue poster tube in front of my face whenever the camera was pointed in our direction. Then he would yell: “See! It’s me! See, there I am! See!” After about the third or fourth time this blue tube came close to popping me in the grill I decided that Jaeger wasn’t going to play this game anymore so I grabbed it and told him: “Enough.” He gave me this look like I’d just caught him with his hands in the cookie jar, but the upside was that never again did that thing swing anywhere near me.

After the show was over I called out to Kevin and Olivia to gimmie a little love and pose for a photo, which they were more than happy to do. Thanks guys! When the hoard of choads began to get the same idea and descend upon them I took it as my cue to leave and headed over to the auditorium for the opening ceremonies. Before I could get anywhere near the door an orange vested Line Nazi stopped me and started screaming that “NOBODY IS ALLOWED INSIDE!!! THE LINE STARTS OUTSIDE THE MAIN ENTRANCE!!” I looked over her shoulder and could SEE that the auditorium was COMPLETELY SET UP so the only reason I can think of for why they weren’t letting anyone in is because they MUST appear in CONTROL, and forcing people to line up unnecessarily is a way to do that. Dog knows what kind of freaking ANARCHY would have ensued if they just let people casually walk in over the period of an hour and take their seats! The opening ceremonies event could have been dare I say it, FUN!!!!!!

I met up with Neil and Stacy and we got into yet another fucking unnecessarily line up, I tell you if I didn’t have these buddies to chat with, I would have gone BUSHIT with all the lining up I swear to Dog. Some time after 19:30 when the ceremonies were supposed to start, the Line Nazis began marching us towards the entrance on Pico. When we got within 30 feet of the entrance, the Kommandant starts screaming at us to “TURN AROUND!!! TURN AROUND!!!” and they then marched us back towards the main entrance on Figueroa.

Ein! Svie! Drei!

Stacy comment that we were all part of some sick psychological experiment George Lucas was conducting on us to se how much of this line business we would take before freaking snapping.
The opening ceremonies were long and included the Mayor of Los Angeles, and the Postmaster General as well as Steven Sansweet as the MC and a recorded message from The Maker himself. The whole thing finished around 22:00 and the group of us (Stacy, Ryan, Yrol, Kris, Dooks the younger, Neil and some other guy I can’t recall tried to get some food. Apparently this is an IMPOSSIBILITY in Downtown L.A. after 6pm on a Friday night. Eventually ending up at the IHOP, we waited 25 minutes for service and received nothing for our troubles but the pleasure of being ignored.

Dooks the Younger got up from our table and said he was hitting the Subway. We got up and walked the fuck out, grabbed our sandwiches, and strode past the IHOP about ten minutes later to see that Yrol, Kris, and Neil were just getting their drink orders.

I'm Back!

2007-07-25T12:20:00.000-06:00

Hey kids!

I'm back and working on some new stuff as we speak!

Tune in tomorrow for some delicious new brain meats of the monkey kind, plus a new rant on the Rants From The Angry Dome site is availible NOW for your perusal!

Lack of Update

2007-07-18T07:53:00.000-06:00

Sorry about the lack of updates lately kids!

I recently "lost" a major notebook that Danny was supposed to help me retrieve yesterday, but he ended up standing me up with no notice, or explaination and refuses to answer his phone.

As soon as I have back the "monkeybrainz notebook," there will be more updates, including but not exclusive to the next chapter in the Official Star Wars Celebration IV Blog.

Later.

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2007-07-03T12:32:00.000-06:00

The Cutting Edge of All Things Geek, It’s Jaeger and His Review of

The Transformers
Directed By Michael Bay

More than meets the eye indeed.

Ever since this flick was green-lit the Bot Choad Fanboys have been blasting this flick, picking apart every aspect of it from the choice of director, to casting, right down to character design. One moron choadling even posted a primitive animation on Youtube™ featuring a pre-production drawing of Megatron transforming into a steaming coiler.

It’s puzzling to me how much hatred this flick attracted by so-called “hard-core Transformer fans” before a single frame of film was even shot. It’s not like Transformers is a cultural phenomenon that has stood the test of time like Star Wars. Indeed, the Transformers was at its heart really nothing more than a series of twenty-two minute toy commercials, that were for the most part filled with mediocre, sometimes glitchy animation. Not that I didn’t like it, in fact it amused me, and I am not easily amused. The Marvel comic book series was a little better sometimes, but often fell into the trap of introducing a new character (based of course on whatever was new on the toy shelves that month), having them say who they were and what their personality was, fighting, then disappearing from the series by the next issue. I ask again: why so much vitriol?

Hey Bot Choad Fanboys, I have a message for you: move out of your parent’s basements and get over yourselves!

The flick is pretty good actually, with decent performances by both its human and robot cast. Its not a masterpiece by any stretch, but the action is insane, relentless, and at times breathtaking. There is a lot more humor in the flick than I was expecting, which actually made me enjoy the flick a little more, as too often in the past Bay tends to take himself WAY too seriously.

So apart from the ham-fisted “love story” element of the flick, and the bombastically over-scored soundtrack that is prevalent in every Michael Bay movie, I can’t think of a lot of negative things to say about it. Sure Bay is a hack, but he does know how to shoot action sequences, and really its not every day one sees a Mountain Dew™ soda machine turn into a robot and start kicking ass.

If you are going to see this flick, you have already made the mental decision that you are not expecting Citizen fucking Kane. The flick has explosions, gunfights, car chases, explosions, and giant freaking robots kicking tailgate.

Its what I expected to see, and exactly what I got.

A Four out of Five.

The EU (not the European Union)

2007-06-29T12:37:00.000-06:00

Some Things About the Star Wars Expanded Universe That Suck Ass

- The “NJO”

They kill off Chewbacca in the first book, and it’s all downhill from there. These books were the last nails in the coffin of Star Wars novels for me.

- “Ewok Adventures”

Mediocre animation by Nelvana and writing so bad it would insult the intelligence of a six-month old. The less said about this hideous abomination the better.

- “Lusanka”

A super star destroyer “prison” hidden in the streets of Coruscant. A planet of 20 billion and they somehow manage to “hide” a super star destroyer on it? Uh, I think not. Other than that, most of those Rogue Squadron books were half decent.

- “Planet of Twilight”

I saved the worst for last. Force sucking bugs, Princess Leia kidnapped AGAIN, and a whole lot of suckage. Its hard to believe the powers that be let Barbra Hambly anywhere near the Star Wars Universe after the fanfic crap that was “Children of the Jedi,” but here it is in all its ass-sucking glory! The writing is poor at best, and the story makes any Michael Bay flick look like Hamlet by comparison. Without a doubt the Worst Novel In The Entire E.U.

Some Things About the S.W. E.U. That I Like

- “Clone Wars”

Slick, sharp, and fun animation from Grenndy Tartakovsky, combined with good story telling. This IS what Star Wars on TV should be! I can hardly wait until the new series comes out next year.

- “Droids – The Animated Series”

Mediocre animation from Nelvana, and somewhat hokey, but decent storytelling, and the fact that it felt like it belonged in the Star Wars Universe is its saving grace.

- “The Republic Commando Novels”

Karen Traviss puts a gritty military realism to these Clone Wars era books that is a welcome addition to the Star Wars Universe, and her expansion of the Mando Mythos is awesome. The first in the series, “Hard Target” renewed my enthusiasm for the E.U.

- “The Thrawn Trilogy”

Even though some of the things in these books have been proven wrong by the Prequel Flicks, this three-book cycle single handedly brought Star Wars back from the depths of pop-culture obscurity in the early nineties. The story was solid, interesting, and it felt like it could have been episodes 7, 8, and 9.

The Official Star Wars Celebration IV Blog III

2007-06-28T12:39:00.000-06:00

Continued…

Day 2

May 24, 2K7

I wandered about in a daze for what seemed like hours, but was in reality maybe twenty minutes, my optical nerves in overdrive as my brain-meats attempted to take in and make sense of the visual noise caused by thousands of filthy humans, and EVERY Star Wars item, from vintage to modern, that one could possibly imagine. And I can imagine quite a bit.

I caught up with Kris a little while later at the line-up to see the artist Dave Dorman. He bought a couple of items and had them signed, as well as getting an original sketch done. We wandered over to the artist alley and checked out some of the work for sale. I was tempted to buy something until I found out from one of the artists that we weren’t allowed to just give them the money for pieces.

“What’s the dealioo?” I axed, and she pointed me towards YET ANOTHER HUGE LINE of geeks, three deep, that led from one end of the alley all the way to the exit, where one person at a cash register slowly rang people through. NO. No more fucking line-ups today thank you very much! I turned around and found that I had lost Kris somewhere within the thick mass of humans.

As they day continued I caught up with a few of me Fan Force buds once or twice, but never for more than a few minutes at a time.

I made my way over to the Droid Builder’s room and checked out the Astromechs, and other robots, (there was even a Tom Servo!) and met Will O’Neil from Attack of the Show. He was in between set-ups for the Star Wars at 30 special for G4TV’s Attack of the Show that was to be shot live from Celebration IV on Friday.

Fighting my way through the crowds I found my way to the Lucasfilm archives and drooled over all the cool stuff. From the original Boba Fett costume, to the parka worn by Harrison Ford during filming of The Empire Strikes Back. Wheeee! There was so much cool stuff, I had to walk around twice just to take it all in.

Near the end of the day I found myself at the Celebration Store, and there was (prepare yourself) NO LINE UP! So I just walked in, grabbed the convention exclusive McQuarrie R2-D2 and C-3PO exclusive figures (one set to open, and one to display), a set of CIV dog tags.

Before taking off I decided to head back to the Main Hall for one last spin and ran into Olivia Munn and an Attack of the Show film crew shooting an insert scene for Friday’s program. Olivia was dressed in the Slave Leia costume and striking down some hooded choad with a Force FX light saber, over and over, and over (seven or eight takes) until it was right.

Mere minutes passed before I ran into Chapter Rep Ryan and we grabbed the #4 shuttle back to the Sheraton.

The total after one day: $150 on toys and crap, $30 on foodstuffs (a weeks worth of Beef Jerky and Red Bull).

Not bad, but the best was yet to come…

The Official Star Wars Celebration IV Blog II

2007-06-12T12:45:00.000-06:00

Continued...

Day 1

May 23, 2K7

I got back to the hotel and switched on the MotoRazer™. It searched, and roamed for only a few second before finding Cingular and locking on. There were a couple of messages on the voice mail, one from The Grrl, and one from McBain. I listened, answered, then checked through the swag bag to try and get an idea of what would be in store for my funny-book makin’ ass at this, the biggest convention of my life.

I highlighted various panels I wanted to make sure not to miss and checked the TV. Alas! No G4! Bastards!

I wandered across the street to the Rite Aid and bought me some Jerky, Buffalo Chicken chunks, and a case of Sugar free Red Bull™, the Official Convention Diet of Jaeger. Returning to the hotel, I stashed my bag of crap next to my luggage and wandered downstairs to the bar.

I order an Anchor Steam form the bartender and relax for a moment. Behind the main serving area on the right hand side is a framed print of that Guy in the Hat Smoking a Cigar. The same print that the Grrl has in the frame store back in cow town. It amused me, and I am not easily amused!

I watched a bit of the Baseball playing of the 32” plasma in the corner and my eyes drifted down to a curious sign: “WARNING Chemicals known to the state of California to cause cancer, birth defects, or other reproductive harm may be present in foods or beverages sold or served here.” WTF???!!!?? Do they mean the booze? Or the free peanuts? What an odd fucking sign!

Day 2

May 24, 2K7

The next day I woke up to the giggles and snickers of Jay and Nicole in the other bed. Kris is still asleep, so I crawl off the bed, having slept above the covers to stay cool. Even though the AC is blasting, it’s still boiling fucking hot in the room for some reason.

After getting ready, Jay, Nic and I hopped on the shuttle and headed down to the Convention Center. We arrived at about 9am to find the line for admission stretched from the main entrance all the way to Cherry Street. Jay and Nic took off to do the volunteer thing and I wandered up and down the huge crowded line up of geeks until the familiar voices of my Calgary Fan Force compatriots roused me from my walking stupor.

It was a who’s who of Fan Force regulars: Chapter rep Ryan, The Dooks Boys (Ryan and Stacy), Yrol, Neil, and 501st Legion boys, Roger, Scot, and Dave. We scoffed and joked, and shared tales of our flights, and arrival as the time grew nigh to the twelve-noon opening.

At nearly ten to twelve, Tony Daniels was driving past (well, riding in the back of his car past really), and decided to step out and walk the line and pose for pics and stuff. Dooks the Younger jumped out when Tony was near and shook his hand. Within minutes, the line began to crawl forward, and no sooner were we actually moving at a decent pace, did hoards of orange vested Line Nazis begin screaming at us and cracking their imaginary whips to keep the line “orderly.”

Just before entry, Kris showed up and we all entered together, then seconds after breaking through into the huge glass foyer, we split up to obtain the various CIV exclusive toys, maquetes, etc. My first order of business? Hasbro, and their excusive McQuarrie Concept Luke. So I got into the main dealer room, and… got in line. Again. This time more shuffling awaited me, only inside, on a carpet. Waiting. Shuffling.

The freaking line wrapped all the way around the booth, and then when I finally arrived within eyesight of The Prize, the real line started. Just like the queues one finds in Disneyland, you get within sight, only to see another line, this one just as long if not longer, except this one twists and turns like a twisty-turny thing in a roped off maze of which the Minotaur himself would be proud.

When I finally got to the checkout it was another hour and forty-five minutes gone from my life, but the Prize was MINE. Along with a couple of sets of the figure stands to boot.

But this was merely the beginning...

To Be Continued...

The Official Star Wars Celebration IV Blog

2007-06-01T13:41:00.000-06:00

Day 1

May 23, 2k7

The initial approach in to LAX was a little dicey as a police chopper off the starboard side of the aircraft forced us to peel off and give it another try. It wouldn’t be a trip to the states without a little drama I suppose…

After picking up my bag at the carousel, I find myself on the SuperShuttle™ flying down the freeway towards downtown LA, chatting with a pair of Star Wars fans from Denver. The Shuttle was packed with Fanboys (and girls) who have arrived for the same reason I have; Star Wars Celebration IV.

I gazed in silent wonder at the palm trees (my favorite kind of the trees), and the vines growing on the freeway retaining walls before coming to my senses. This is got to be my fifth or sixth time down here, and still I stare? I shook it off and enjoyed the rest of the ride to the hotel.

Checking in was a breeze and I found myself not hating Los Angeles so far… but the trip was still in it’s infancy, there was still plenty of time for this town to show it’s true colors as I know them.

After dropping my crap off in the room I did what I always do upon arrival in a different town: I sat down in front of the hotel for a few minutes and watched the people, observed them, the way they walked, their mannerisms. The best way to go unnoticed is to act like everyone else…right as I was standing up to walk, the shuttle to the convention center had arrived.

I picked up my badge at the Will Call, bought a FanClub membership, grabbed my bag o’ swag and wandered about the convention hall for a bit trying to get my bearings, breathing deeply, knowing that the real line ups start tomorrow!

To be Continued…

California

2007-05-29T12:01:00.000-06:00

I flew into LAX on the 23rd and the fun hasn't ended yet! The Star Wars convention was rad, and shall be blogged about in full in the next couple of days, so stay tuned! You know you want to! San Jose is clear and 80F! I hope you are all jealous!

Later!

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2007-05-17T12:51:00.000-06:00

The Cutting Edge of All That Matters, It's Jaeger's Review of

GRINDHOUSE
A Rodriguez/Tarantino Double Feature

First, let me paint a picture of the Uptown Theater: It’s seen better days. The theater was constructed in 1951 and is the best example in the city of Art Deco Architecture. In the mid-seventies it was refurbished and the balcony was walled off to make a second theater, and 125 (of the original 600!) seats were removed to build a new projection room. The most recent refurbishment was back in ’93.

I have seen a lot of flicks in this old theater, including Clerks, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, and at least a dozen others over the years. The carpet is kind of worn down, the seats kind of threadbare in places (comfortable as hell though!), and it was without a doubt the BEST Theater in TOWN to see Grindhouse.

As I sat, jacked back at a twenty degree angle facing the huge screen, a dude in a grizzled beard stepped up on the stage and manually cranked open the heavy, maroon curtains, I knew I was in for a cinematic treat. Boy was I right.

The flick stars off with a fake trailer for the “film” Machete* starring (of course) Danny Trejo, and never lets up from there. Grindhouse not only lived up to my expectations but surpassed them. It’s dark, shocking, funny, surreal, and awesome. Of the two features I think “Planet Terror” the Robert Rodriguez half of the double bill is the stronger of the two, but Tarantino’s “Death Proof” has the better ending.

Hey, this flick (or these flicks perhaps) even managed to change my opinion of Rose McGowan who I have despised ever since I first saw her in that hideous Araki flick back in the nineties. This is strong praise if you know how much I hate Greg Araki’s “films," and how much I used to hate Rose McGowan!

GO SEE IT!!! Do not let this gem pass silently into the darkness! You will not be disappointed.

5 out of 5

*Rodriguez has since announced that he is going to make this film! Talk about Art imitating Art!

Meat Tampon

2007-05-15T12:15:00.001-06:00

Uhnn… Feeling miserable today. Just my luck to get sick right before my holiday!

Anyway, I picked up a steak the other day and was greeted by the juicy presence of the nasty Meat Tampon. The Meat Tampon has always amused me. Actually it’s more like a Meat Absorbent Pad, but I always liked the word “Tampon” more.

For those who don’t know, the Meat Tampon is that absorbent “pad” that lies at the bottom of every package of meat that one buys in the grocery store. The pad that sits between the meat and the Styrofoam packaging that absorbs the blood and bits and keeps your steak looking moist and delicious and preventing unsightly, red, meaty menstrual-like juices from overflowing inside.

I’ve often wondered about how this invention came to be. Did some butcher one-day just say to his buddy: “You know what would be great? If we could figure out a way to stop the bloody juices in meat from filling up the packages we sell them in.” Or maybe a chick invented it, who knows?

Maybe I’m a little too curious about this… perhaps it’s the fever…

We Don't Need Another Hero

2007-05-14T12:15:00.000-06:00

It’s funny to say but these days more than any others there are no true heroes, people known for their great deeds. Guys like Hercules for example, the true gods of antiquity. Dudes who saved whole villages from the Minotaur and stuff. Today we have only celebrities: people known because they are well known and for no other reason.

The worst of the celebrity ilk out there is of course Paris Hilton. Lets break it down shall we? She is a hugely known, hugely loved celebrity for… what was it exactly? Oh yeah, her parents are Billionaires, and uh, she had some rather pedestrian intercourse on the Internet… and, uh her parents are rich… man, the sooner this no-talent, flat-chested, horse-faced skank’s fifteen minutes are over, the better off the world will be.

Repair To Be Previewed

2007-05-08T12:49:00.000-06:00

Inventor of the Internet, and Emperor of the Moon, It’s Jaeger and the Summer 2007 Movie Preview Part II.

Fay Grim
Directed by Hal Hartley
May 18, 2007

A continuation of Hal Hartley's "Henry Fool", where Fay Grim (Parker Posey) is coerced by a CIA agent (Jeff Goldblum) to try and locate notebooks that belonged to her fugitive ex-husband. Interesting looking flick, seeing the trailer the other day on HDNet made me want to check out the first flick before going to see this one.

BUG
Directed by William Friedkin
May 25, 2007

A lonely waitress with a tragic past, Agnes rooms in a run-down motel, living in fear of her recently paroled ex-husband. But when she begins a romance with Peter, an eccentric, nervous drifter, she starts to feel hopeful. A psychological thriller from the Academy Award winning director of “The Exorcist.” Meh, I don’t know… I think I’ve had just about enough of Ashley Judd to last the rest of my life. Oh, and I don’t think it’s a remake of the 1975 insect horror flick by Jeannot Szwarc, too bad eh!

Paprika
Directed by Satoshi Kon
May 25, 2007 (NY)

Dr. Atsuko Chiba is an attractive, modest Japanese research psychotherapist whose work is on the cutting edge. Her alter-ego is a stunning and fearless 18 year old "dream detective," code named Paprika, who can enter into people's dreams and synchronize with their unconscious to help uncover the source of their anxiety or neurosis. I hope this flick gets a wide release because I am all over it. Say a trailer for it on Attack of the Show last month and my jaw dropped, this Anime flick looks spectacular.

Day Watch (Dnevnoi Dozor)
Directed by Timur Bekmambetov
June 1, 2007 (limited)
"Day Watch (Dnevnoi Dozor)" is the second flick in a trilogy based on the best-selling sci-fi novels of Sergei Lukyanenko entitled "Night Watch." Again, I saw a trailer for this the other day on AOTS and was blown away by the insane visuals. I hope we see a release up here, because this one looks like a winner. Of course those of you who don’t like subtitles will be out of luck as the flick is Russian!

Hostel: Part II
Directed by Eli Roth
June 8, 2007

Do I even need to say anything about this unnecessary sequel? Am I the only one that is tired of this umpteenth “Saw style” horror flick? I shake my head… I am sure that it will make a heap of cash, because this seems to be what the movie going public wants these days… PASS!

Surf's Up
Directed by Ash Brannon, Chris Buck
June 8, 2007

Another CG penguin flick? Do all the CG animated film producers in Hollywood just pool all their ideas together every year and decide to make the same flicks? Is there a screenwriting stylist out there who gets paid huge bank to just go around to the studios and tell them: This year its Giant Space Rocks, or Fish, or Penguins? If so why do I not have this job? Anyways, the animation looks pretty slick, so I might rent this one in three months when it comes out on DVD.

DOA: Dead or Alive
Directed by Corey Yuen
June 22, 2007

Live action flick based on the sexy video game. If it has half the jiggling boobies of the game, I shall say that it is money well spent. Hmm... cheesy! As if I needed another reason to see this, I give you two words: Devon Aoki.

That’s all for today, I might have a couple more next week… maybe.

Stupid Video Tricks

2007-05-07T07:50:00.000-06:00

Behold! The MonkeyBrainz now contain Distracting Video for all of you choades out there who don't like to READ!! Yeeha!

Piracy My Ass

2007-05-02T12:14:00.000-06:00

Here’s what bugs me this week:

Huge, Billionaire, movie studio execs whining vociferously about so-called “internet movie piracy” and how “damaging” it is to their billion dollar bottom lines. Come on! Do they really think we are that stupid?

DVD sales and rentals are at a five-year high, there aren’t enough bank vaults in all of North America to hold the record profits the studios are making these days, and still they have the stones to bitch and complain about the one-tenth of one percent of profit the are supposedly losing to “piracy”?

They say the “Government” must help them “fight video piracy,” but then they choose to break-up single TV seasons into two or more separate sets, so they can release them slowly, over an extended period of time in order to rip more dollars from the already straining pockets of the DVD consumer.

The billionaire studio execs wonder why people are downloading video content from the Internet when they should be looking at themselves and the choices they make that are directly contributing to so-called “video piracy.”

The last time I checked, none of these fatass studio execs were missing any meals lately…

Repair To Be Previewed

2007-04-28T14:51:00.000-06:00

Still pretending to be a real human, it's Jaeger and his 2007 Summer Movie Preview

Spiderman 3
Directed by Sam Raimi
May 4, 2007
Well, well, well, first off we have Spiderman 3 coming out May 4th and who isn’t looking forward to this flick? Well, besides Julian that is. Since I don’t have the insane continuity hang ups of 90% of the comic fanboys out there, I gotta say I totally am looking forward to this, the third (and possibly final?) Spidey flick because of one thing: Venom! Who cares if the story doesn’t follow the comics exactly to the last panel? Once again for those who missed it the first fifty times I said it: FILM IS A DIFFERENT MEDIUM THAN COMICS! Change is good fanboys, learn to embrace it!

28 Weeks Later. . .
Directed by Juan Carlos Fresnadillo
May 11, 2007
Six months after the events in the first flick, the US Army tries to secure a small area of London for survivors to repopulate and start again. Come on! Zombies? In London? I am SO THERE!!!!!

Shrek the Third
Directed by Chris Miller and Ramon Hsui
May 18, 2007
Hrrm, yet another Shrek flick. I liked the first one; thought the second one was mediocre, and didn’t think a third flick was necessary. But luckily for all you Shrek fans out there DreamWorks SKG doesn’t give a shite what I think! The green ogre, his wife, and the donkey are back for another kick at the cat, this time King Harold falls ill and Shrek and Princess Fiona recruit their friends Donkey, and Puss in Boots, and a band of royal girlfriends to fend off a coup d'etat by the jilted Prince Charming. Meh, I’ll wait for the DVD and rent it. Or let someone else buy it and borrow it from them.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
Directed by Gore Verbinski
May 25, 2007
The final chapter in the Pirates trilogy proves to be bigger and even more bad-ass than the two previous instalments Go see it, if only to see how much Johnny Depp rocks as Captain Jack Sparrow. The only reason I’m not dressing up like a pirate and going on opening day is because I will be in LA at CIV.

Oceans 13
Directed by Steven Soderbergh
June 8, 2007
Are you fucking kidding me? After what an abysmal failure Ocean’s 12 was? Talk about taking a mediocre concept and beating it like a re-headed stepchild! Is Warner Brothers Trying to go broke? I wouldn’t touch this one with a ten-foot barge pole even if Julia Roberts wasn’t in it!

Live Free or Die Hard
Directed by Len Wiseman
June 29, 2007
John McClane is back and taking on an Internet-based terrorist (WTF???) who is systematically shutting down the United States. Uh, okay. The first Die Hard should be taught in film school. It is one of the best action flicks EVER MADE, and the less said about the two sequels the better. How will this newest edition to the franchise hold up? Only one way to find out! Be sure to email me a review if you see it because even with Kevin Smith in this thing, I am going to pass. In fact, I couldn’t be less interested in seeing this flick unless they put that puffy, margarine-faced twit Renee Zellweger in it.

Transformers
Directed by Michael Bay
July 4, 2007
Giant alien robots land on Earth and fight each other, oh yeah and also they can change into stuff. The live action version of the TV and comic book series from the eighties based on the Hasbro toy line. Of course I’m going to see this flick. Here is what I expect from this so-called “summer blockbuster:” Giant Alien Robots that change into stuff, explosions, awkward dialogue between the “human” characters, car chases, jetfighter chases, explosions, John Turturro being the best thing about the movie, and oh did I mention explosions? In my travels around The Net checking various forums I’ve found that already the “Bot Chodes” around the globe are refusing to call this flick Transformers, instead declaring it: “Michael Bay’s Alien Robot Invasion Movie.” I guess they expected it to look just like the cartoon ERRR 22 minute toy commercial from the eighties that they worship to this day. Once again: (how many times is it now?) FILM IS A DIFFERENT MEDIUM! Get a grip Bot Chodes! Everyone knows you’re creaming your panties over this flick! Now shut the fuck up and pay the $12!

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Directed by David Yates
July 13, 2007
With their warning about Lord Voldemort's return being ignored, Harry and Dumbledore are targeted by the Ministry for Magic as an authoritarian bureaucrat seizes control of Hogwarts. The fifth film in the series based on the books by JK Rowling. A terrific book. A LONG book. It will be interesting to see how it translates into film, but how can you go wrong with Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix Lestrange? I am seeing it, and you should too!

The Simpsons Movie
Directed by David Silverman
July 27, 2007
Homer must save the world from a disaster he created. Based on the looooonnnggg (some, like me say too long) running TV series created by Matt Groening. Even though the show hasn’t been good since the sixth season, I still plan on dragging my fat, funny-book making ass to this flick this summer, if for no other reason that morbid curiosity.

The Bourne Ultimatum
Directed by Paul Greengrass
August 3, 2007
Matt Damon is back as Jason Bourne who races around the globe to try to find out the mystery of his past while a government agent tracks him down. Meh, I gotta admit, I’m kinda hooked on this series and have often is the past been heard to say: “The Bourne Identity was the best Bond Film never made.”

Rush Hour 3
Directed by Brett Ratner
August 10, 2007
On vacation in Paris, Lee and Carter inadvertently get mixed up with the Chinese Triads. The first rush Hour was fun, the second suffered from lazy writing, and a poor story (although it did have Zhang Ziyi, which is nice). Who knows what the third in the series will offer, all I know is that Chris Tucker got paid WAYYY too much to be in this flick. Definitely waiting for the DVD.

Thus an end is brought to the first big summer movie preview from the offices of ChilledMonkeyBrainz. It looks to be somewhat of a mixed bag this year, but who the hell knows maybe one or two will surprise and actually be half decent!

Until next time I AM OUT!

Thursday

2007-04-19T16:36:00.001-06:00

The sky was thick and grey, the clouds hanging oppressively low and the wind is showing its truculence and blowing cold. The kind of cold that goes right through a man’s clothes and bites into the skin. Bones aching, blood congealing, tendons stiffening, the body failing, as all my thoughts turn cancerous. It’s the kind of cold that leaves you wondering if you’ll ever be warm again.

The cold and the grey suck the colors out of the world turning everything ugly, dirty, and flat. If only some rain would fall, at least then I wouldn’t be choking on the dust, my skin wouldn’t be forever dry, cracking, splitting like a hot dog held too long over the campfire flames.

This must be a Thursday; I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

The Hollywood Be-Esser

2007-04-16T11:45:00.000-06:00

Los Angeles (AP) Yet another person has thrown their “hat” into the ring and is claiming to be the father of Anna-Nicole Smith’s baby.

Canadian writer/artist J.C. Hunter came forward Wednesday basing his paternal claim on a “tryst” he allegedly had with the buxom model.

“I really thought it was the right thing to do, coming forward, considering there is a very good possibility that I am the Father.” Hunter said in a press conference Wednesday from his loft in Calgary, Canada.

His on-again, off-again girlfriend, Latina Pop-singer Shakira, had this to say when given the news: “It does not surprise me. He is extremely virile, but also a cheating bastard. But that is what I love about him.”

Anna-Nicole Smith’s boyfriend, Attorney Howard K. Stern is quoted in Variety as saying: “This is turning into a freaking circus! Everyone knows I’m the true father and when the DNA tests come in, I am going to sue every one of the cocksuckers that claimed otherwise.

A Paternal DNA test is scheduled for Monday.

UPDATE!!!

2007-04-04T16:27:00.000-06:00

As of two hours ago, and probably due, at least in part to the Rant below, the fifteen British Servicemen were set free by the Iranian terrorist, rogue government.

You see, getting angry does help!

Rant

2007-04-04T12:27:00.000-06:00

I'm probably alone here with this rant but what the hell, it's my freaking blog.

When will the world learn that you cannot negotiate with terrorists or terrorist states posing as legitimate countries? What the hell is Tony Blair doing “talking” to the so-called government of Iran?

And before any of you bleeding heart socialists out there say: “but Jaeger, Iran isn’t a terrorist state!” Uh, yeah, they are actually. If your government KIDNAPS citizens of another government and threatens to behead them unless you comply to their demands, then you have just abdicated your privilege to be called a “legitimate” government and have become a “rogue” state. That’s not me talking that is the truth.

What is it with these religious nut case nations anyway? Prowling around in the dead of night with the Quran in one hand and an AK-47 in the other, heads completely covered, cowards that they are, the only thing showing is their evil, dark eyes. Eyes glassed over with a hateful fury reserved for the religious zealot.

What’s my solution? Tony Blair should grow a pair and TELL these terrorist that this will no be tolerated in a free society, and if they don’t release his people there will be severe consequences. Briton has nukes right?

Whatever, who cares right? I guess when the British sailors are killed, then someone will start paying attention.

That’s all I have, but before I go, WAR bums trying to deposit rocks in bank accounts as currency. And WAR Peace in the Middle East not being an oxymoron.

Until next time I AM OUT!

Of the Days Annoyances...

2007-03-27T18:20:00.000-06:00

- The Nashville Predators are an “elite” team in the NHL.

- Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell. Geeze Mr. Loaf, if hell was so boring, why the return trip?

- Edmonton Oilers and Oilerfan. Nice MULLET!

- Al Gore. Do you really think you can convince people living in a part of the country that has NINE MONTHS of cold weather a year that global warming is anything more than specious science and a scam to sell DVD’s?

- Shakira isn’t my girlfriend

- The CRTC.

- People suing fast food companies because they are fat, lazy fucks that think big corporations owe them because they are fat, lazy fucks! Grab a salad fatty!!!!

- The NBA. Has there ever been a professional sports league with more thugs, gangsters, and arrogant assholes than this? The answer is NO.

- Poker on Sportsnet HD. Poker in High Definition? When there is a hockey game on the low def channel? Are you fucking kidding me? Since I’m going on about non-sports let toss these two out there: Golf and Curling*. I constantly hear people refer to these two GAMES as “sports.” They are NOT SPORTS! Any games you can play while drinking, like golf and curling, are just that: GAMES. I can sit around on my ASS and play video games for hours and drink while doing it, therefore gaming is not a sport. Get it?

* By the way, Scottish blokes who wanted something to keep busy at while drinking invented both Golf and Curling.

My Boring-ass Life

2007-03-21T12:21:00.000-06:00

You axed for them, you got them: It’s a Jaeger and VKI Grrl monthly update!

Taking a tip from Lupin The Great’s site, I give all you lucky people out there not living in the land of BRAINZ and MONKEYS an update, a tiny “peek” if you will, into our boring-ass lives!

Christ Jesus it’s COLD! It started snowing in fucking September, and has been snowing on and off (mostly ON) ever since. And it’s still snowing as I type this! No sakura blossoms for me, just COLD, and GREYNESS, and MISERY.

Anyway, on with the “update.” Bought a dual station smoothie machine for VKI for White Day and am enjoying the “fruits” (heh) of her smoothie making labor. It’s like having a Jugo Juice or a Booster Juice or whatever the hell that place is called in the states, in our flat! We even got some of those special vitamin, and protein, and Chinese herbal powders to go in the drinks to make us strong like ox and as sly as a canary.

Only 64 more days before my vacation! Remember to get those days off that we discussed McBain! Don’t fail me! You’re my only hope!

That’s all for this month, GOOD NIGHT NOW!

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2007-03-19T12:44:00.000-06:00

Straight from his home office to your living room or bedroom, it’s Jaeger’s review of

CRACKDOWN
By Realtime Worlds
For the XBOX 360

Crackdown is a third person “sandbox style” shooter in which you play a genetically engineered Super Agent out to wipe the streets clean of its organized crime problem.

The game has a great open-endedness to it that allows the player to do whatever missions they feel like, in whatever order they like without the wretched tediousness of getting “locked in” to a particular playing pattern. If you the player want to go after a Gang Kingpin, you can, or if all you want to do is stand on a rooftop and blow gang members into fiery, meaty, chunks with a rocket launcher, well you can do that too, and believe me that is a lot of fun unto itself.

Leveling up is fun and fairly easy at the start and works like this: The more baddies you shoot, the better your aim and kill power becomes, the more gang bangers you curb-stomp, the stronger you become, eventually becoming strong enough to pick up HUGE shit like trucks, shipping containers etc. to use in pulverizing your enemies.

The AI is surprisingly smart too, so use of weapons and cover is crucial once the player reaches the last couple of Kingpins. The game also contains a little feature that I’m quite fond of that is missing in many other games (Legend of Jack Sparrow, I’m looking at you): the ability to save your progress without having to piss around finding checkpoints, or finish a mission, or any of that other horse shit so prevalent in games today. For this feature alone I should give the game a five out of five!

The only downside to the game is when executing certain maneuvers it’s too easy to get “caught in the camera angles” and find your character getting cut to pieces by enemy fire before you have a chance to “find yourself.” But this isn’t so much a problem specific to this game (I have the same problem sometimes with Lost Planet) but a problem with the industry in general, and how artists and coders can’t seem to get in-game camera movement just right.

Anyway, this game rocks. Go get it. Now!

Five (Armor Agent, armor!) out of Five.

Prepare To Be Reviewed

2007-03-11T15:50:00.000-06:00

Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Directed by Justin Lin

This third flick in the Fast and Furious franchise introduces us to Sean Boswell, a delinquent gear-head who after an insane street racing crash faces his “third strike” and the possibility of jail time. The police drop the charges on the condition that he goes to live with his father in Tokyo (???WTF??? What kind of “punishment” is that? Sounds more like a reward to me!).

Anyway, the flick actually gets good once the focus shifts to Japan where Sean is introduced to the world of “drift racing” If you don’t know what that is, then look it up, because I’m not going to explain it to your sorry ass.

This flick contains things that Jaeger enjoys: cool Japanese cars, street racing, Tokyo, and last but not least, Japanese Hoochies. The movie climaxes with a cool race down Mount Akina that was ripped directly from the Manga/ Anime/ Live action flick Initial D.
Sonny Chiba is also in the story playing a bad ass Yakuza guy who wears fedoras and smokes Cubans, so what the hell else do you want from a movie besides maybe an un-credited cameo at the end by Vin Diesel reprising his role of “Dom” from the first flick?
Oh, wait. . .

The DVD has a decent 16x9 anamorphic transfer that is clean and slick, but alas (for me anyway) on the audio side we get no English DTS, merely a Dolby Digital 5.1 which is loud when it should be and not so quiet that you can’t hear the dialog when you need to. There are a bunch of featurettes about the making of the film and about drift racing as well as a commentary by Director Justin Lin.

Flick: 3 out of 5

DVD: 3.5 out of 5

Carb Wars

2007-03-05T12:56:00.000-07:00

Six-plus years ago, my good friend Emu went down to the San Diego Comic-Con where she had the pleasure of meeting indie comic greats, Roman Dirge, and Jhonen Vasquez. She even ended up hanging out with them for drinks and partying like it was 1985. This is not what this MicroTale™ is about however.

This story is about doughnuts.

Yes, doughnuts.

For years up here in the Great White North, Tim Horton’s has reigned supreme in the world of doughnuts. I used to stop by one such shop every morning when I used to toil away at the Cosmodemonic Western Airbrake Corporation. No matter what time of the day the Tim Horton’s was freaking packed, with HUGE line-ups at both the counter and the drive-thru. My particular brand of “crack” was the special English Toffee flavored cappuccino beverages, and occasionally I would also buy doughnuts for my production girls.

One day some suit in Downtown Toronto (center of the Universe for those not in the know) decided to standardize the Tim Horton doughnut. As a result they got smaller, and were manufactured in Ontario, frozen and shipped out here to the various shops for re-heating. The point is they don’t taste as good anymore.

Anyway, Emu gets back from Comic-Con all those years ago with tale of a doughnut so sweet, so delicious, so succulent, that the very thought of other doughnuts filled her heart with distain. She was speaking, of course, of the mighty Krispy Kreme™.

Years passed.

Emu is gone now and my heart aches with how much I miss her. Then one day the Krispy Kreme™ Empire expanded to include Calgary and there was freaking Anarchy in the streets I tell you. People camped out for days in front of the shop just to be some of the first to experience the ecstasy that was the Krispy Kreme™ doughnut. For weeks the line-ups at these places dwarfed even the lines at Tim Horton’s. Myself, I never went, because I just didn’t care.

Fast forward to today!

Some guy at work brought in a box of Krispy Kreme™ fat pills and I decided to sample one. After one bite I realized that yes, it is sweet. So sweet, I think it gave me diabetes! Are they better than Tim Horton’s? Well they are bigger, and sweeter… I dunno I mean it’s a freaking doughnut for fook sakes!

I’ll never touch another doughnut again, but right now I sure got a hankerin’ for a Vente Mocha fukaccino! Anyone know of a coffee shop where I can get something like that?

GOOD NIGHT NOW!!

ARRGGG!!!!

2007-02-16T10:19:00.000-07:00

Snow, snow and more freaking SNOW!!!!!

Car is freaking buried to the widows because of the PLOWS! Of course if the plows weren't going, I would complain about the roads being too snowy!

Now tin a matter of a couple of days the temp has gone from -24c to 5c!!!!!

Sludge! SLUDGE!!!!!

Now I have to dig out the car on the weekend!!!

And Lupin bitches when the temp dips a hair below 70F!!!

Come back here for a while to California acclimatized Bastard!!!

AH- HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

I guess this is what you call "mailing it in" on a Friday. My most profuse appologies to my two readers out there!

Down the Pub

2007-02-08T12:23:00.001-07:00

Pert. Young. Nipples.

I hadn’t been out to the pub in a long time, the better part of a year at least, and what is the first thing I see upon turning around, my hands full with the first (of many) rounds of the night?

Yes. Pert. Young. Nipples. Hard enough to cut glass if they had to. I found myself freaking mesmerized by them. It was like that scene in Star Wars when the Millennium Falcon was being pulled in by the Death Star’s tractor beam.

After what seems like six lifetimes, I’m finally able to wrench my eyes from them and I see her. She’s young, in her early twenties at least, and her short, dark brown hair is pulled back into a short nubbin of a ponytail with two long strands framing her face. Her lips are rouged, but not to the point of being trashy. She’s wearing a tight, light blue designer tee that leaves very little to the imagination, along with a plaid school kilt, white socks and eight-hole Doc Martens.

I’m lost. I want to spread cream-cheese icing all over her and lick her all over until the end of freaking time. Instead, I squeeze past her with a polite “excuse me” and I’ll be damned if I don’t feel her politely “pinch” my ass as I’m turning around to meet with MacGreggor at our table.

Heh.

Young chicks.

The Hollywood Be-Esser

2007-01-28T16:11:00.000-07:00

Detroit (AP) Sean Combs, aka Puff Daddy, aka Puffy, aka P-Diddy, aka Diddy, the mastermind behind such marketing gimmicks as Sean John, and Jack Johnson clothing, has unleashed his latest consumer assault with the introduction of the “Diddy Edition” Hummer at the Detroit Auto Show. GM spokesman Len Finklestien had this to say about the new vehicle: “This is to be a Limited Edition SUV. Only 2500 will be produced for the North American market, and we’ve already sold the first 1000 in sight-unseen pre-orders.”

The so-called “Diddy Edition” Hummer is a stretch limo style SUV measuring a staggering 42.7 feet making it not only the largest production vehicle ever made, but with it’s 900 thousand dollar price-tag it’s also the most expensive. For your 900 grand you get an SUV with 14 Karat Gold electro-plated body panels, diamond encrusted 22 inch reciprocating rims on all four corners, as well as an all Corinthian Leather interior, full bar, satellite system with 42 inch plasma display, and last but not least, a four person hot tub. Oh, and a diamond encircled rear view mirror.

When Mr. Combs was asked why anyone (including himself) would need such an ostentatious display of wealth just to drive to the local liquor store, he replied: “Yo, I jes keepin’ it real, knowhadamsayin’?”

The “Diddy Edition” Hummer will be available third quarter 2008.